Growing up on the Autism spectrum, being constantly criticized for my behaviour, often justifiably so, created tremendous self-doubt.
This criticism made it easy for people to convince me that behaviour that I felt was entirely appropriate was in fact, unacceptable.
Lately, I’ve read James Clear’s Atomic Habits, in which he states that a habit he has ingrained is that he has to write every day. He only has to write one line, but the habit he’s ingrained is, he has to write every day. That, he says, is how he became a writer.
I was born a writer.
In my early teens I wrote poetry, the words flowing from an inner source that moved my pen across the page. I could easily express emotion and lead my audience to exactly where I wanted to take them.
People listened attentively and responded with enthusiasm. For me, it was as natural as breathing.
Then I bound myself into a relationship with a much older man. A well-educated man who had studied the classics and philosophy. A man raised in an atmosphere of Emily Post’s Blue Book of Etiquette. A man who denigrated my writing.
One day, in a passionate sense of injustice I wrote poetically about an incident that I heard about in the news.
The news article featured a woman of strong character–Inez Garcia. A woman who was raped. Two men assaulted her, one of whom weighed over three hundred pounds. He held her down, while the other man raped her. When they were done, they let her go. Threats against her life were uttered. Incensed and traumatized, she went home. She grabbed her son’s gun. She hunted one man down. Shot and killed him. The other man fled.
I wrote the ballad in her defense when she was arrested and charged with first degree murder.
My husband was shocked. It was 1974 and the very thought that I would dare to write about rape–a forbidden subject—offended him. That I could even consider defending the woman he found despicable. The thought of me submitting the ballad to any publication appalled him. He told me to burn it.
At the time, Women’s Rights and the Chicano Movement were gaining ground in the San Francisco Bay area. When news of Garcia’s plight became known, feminists took up her cause, and Garcia herself became a speaker addressing women’s groups.
According to Wikipedia, I was not the only woman to take up the pen in Garcia’s defense.
As a cause celebre, her (Inez Garcia’s) case inspired numerous works of art and music, including the Beverly Grant folk song “Inez”, performed with the group The Human Condition; Marge Piercy’s poem “For Inez Garcia”;[5] and Jayne Cortez’s poem “Rape.”[6]
These women became noted for their work in Garcia’s defense and went on to become well published writers.
As for me, I didn’t burn my ballad, but I did essentially fold up my writing persona and immerse myself in motherhood and housekeeping.
That I gave up writing at that point in my life was not my husband’s fault. It was entirely mine, for giving his opinion so much weight, and my own so little recognition.
Years later and in a more progressive relationship, I entered a university undergraduate program where I studied literature, including contemporary poetry. Writing that I found surprisingly reminiscent of my early work.
And by degrees I learned to trust myself to write again, encouraged by professors who recognized my latent talent and helped me publish.
But the process is not the same. It’s a constant battle to put my writing first, to allow myself to sit down and open that channel.
This is my continued fascination with Atomic Habits: sooner or later the habit of sitting down to write will be ingrained, and I will once again, see myself as a writer.
If you are having self-doubts, if you feel that what you believe is worthwhile is being negated by everyone around you, don’t give up and please, don’t give in.
Trust yourself, and find your place in this world. It’s waiting for you.
Inez Garcia was retried and exonerated after serving two years in prison.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Inez_Garc%C3%ADa Research data’
Margaret Jean 