conversational anxiety aspergers

An Adult Aspie Looks at Friendship

Having trouble making friends? For people on the spectrum, this is a common situation. A recent study indicated that of the participants, more than half the children with ASD did not have a single close friend. How does a person learn to live with that?

I have been fortunate to have one or two friends who have remained constant. But mostly? Friends come and go.

My approach to friendship is different from that of people who seem to know all the rules of bonding and building peer relationships.

Occasionally, people come to have some meaningful connection with me, and then, for the most part, sooner or later drift away. And that’s okay because they always leave me emotionally richer, with lessons learned and experiences shared that I would not have otherwise had.

I have let go of my expectations of a life-long friendship when my life intersects with others. If we have no interests in common, or not enough to sustain a typical friendship, that’s ok.

Not forming a lifetime bond with others is not a failure.

I see my role as bringing light into their path just by virtue of being me. I want to offer them a gift, introducing an upbeat, pleasant moment into their day. I may do this in many ways: with kindness, validation, humour or encouragement.

I see our meeting as a connection, not a life-long commitment.

I believe connecting with someone new occurs at a meaningful time for both of us, and that we are each somehow important in that moment for the other, assisting each other along whatever path we are individually, or jointly, travelling.

It is not for me to judge others, to work to improve the people who come into my life, or to see if we can converse comfortably for hours … although it is always a pleasant surprise when a lengthy, satisfying conversation occurs!

Actually, shorter connections feel safer for me, I can avoid having to analyse whether what we have discussed or disclosed is really appropriate.

Just a connection that however fleeting, will be rewarding in the moment, and remembered with pleasure.

That’s not so hard to live with!

Asperger’s Flat Affect: Is it always a Disadvantage?

In our Aspie world, we often misread what people are saying to us.

We can not only fail to transmit appropriate non-verbal clues with our message, but also find it difficult to notice and interpret these clues in remarks directed to us.

**We can have difficulty detecting and decoding what is sometimes called prosody—facial expressions and verbal inflections in tone, stress and rhythm that give added meaning to speech.**

Because of this lack of awareness regarding certain conversational signals, we can mistake an insult for a compliment, a denial for permission or an unpleasant remark for a friendly one.

Yes, Flat Affect can be a problem for Aspies. Sometimes we blatantly misunderstand … with unpleasant, even embarrassing consequences!

The communication confusion caused by our Aspies Flat Affect is something we spend a lifetime working to eliminate. But can there actually also be a hidden advantage to the Flat Affect?

If we stop to reflect on these situations, we may realize that in some situations having Flat Affect may actually act in a protective way, saving us from embarrassing and distressing situations.

Because Flat Affect can be seen to be a mask of inscrutability, without displaying fear or embarrassment, we are able to pause.

**We can ponder what the other speaker is really saying and actually meaning. We can patiently study any available cues before deciding how we wish to respond.**

Margaret Jean

Asperger Me!

Category Archives: conversational anxiety aspergers

Asperger’s Flat Affect: Is it always a Disadvantage?

In our Aspie world, we often misread what people are saying to us.

We can not only fail to transmit appropriate non-verbal clues with our message, but also find it difficult to notice and interpret these clues in remarks directed to us.

**We can have difficulty detecting and decoding what is sometimes called prosody—facial expressions and verbal inflections in tone, stress and rhythm that give added meaning to speech.**

Because of this lack of awareness regarding certain conversational signals, we can mistake an insult for a compliment, a denial for permission or an unpleasant remark for a friendly one.

Yes, Flat Affect can be a problem for Aspies. Sometimes we blatantly misunderstand … with unpleasant, even embarrassing consequences!

The communication confusion caused by our Aspies Flat Affect is something we spend a lifetime working to eliminate. But can there actually also be a hidden advantage to the Flat Affect?

If we stop to reflect on these situations, we may realize that in some situations having Flat Affect may actually act in a protective way, saving us from embarrassing and distressing situations.

Because Flat Affect can be seen to be a mask of inscrutability, without displaying fear or embarrassment, we are able to pause.

**We can ponder what the other speaker is really saying and actually meaning. We can patiently study any available cues before deciding how we wish to respond.**

Flat Affect then can be seen as a protection against vulnerability in an area in which we are otherwise most vulnerable: conversational decoding.

In other words, Flat Affect allows us to have a certain amount of control over what could be an anxiety-riddled situation.

Is flat affect necessarily disadvantageous? Or could it be a selectively advantageous genetic variation?

**More on that possibility in next week’s blog!**

Margaret Jean

Asperger Me!

Category Archives: conversational anxiety aspergers

An Adult Aspie Looks at Friendship

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Asperger’s Flat Affect: Is it always a Disadvantage?

In our Aspie world, we often misread what people are saying to us.

We can not only fail to transmit appropriate non-verbal clues with our message, but also find it difficult to notice and interpret these clues in remarks directed to us.

We can have difficulty detecting and decoding what is sometimes called prosody—facial expressions and verbal inflections in tone, stress and rhythm that give added meaning to speech.

Because of this lack of awareness regarding certain conversational signals, we can mistake an insult for a compliment, a denial for permission or an unpleasant remark for a friendly one.

Yes, Flat Affect can be a problem for Aspies. Sometimes we blatantly misunderstand … with unpleasant, even embarrassing consequences!

The communication confusion caused by our Aspies Flat Affect is something we spend a lifetime working to eliminate. But can there actually also be a hidden advantage to the Flat Affect?

If we stop to reflect on these situations, we may realize that in some situations having Flat Affect may actually act in a protective way, saving us from embarrassing and distressing situations.

Because Flat Affect can be seen to be a mask of inscrutability, without displaying fear or embarrassment, we are able to pause.

We can ponder what the other speaker is really saying and actually meaning. We can patiently study any available cues before deciding how we wish to respond.

Flat Affect then can be seen as a protection against vulnerability in an area in which we are otherwise most vulnerable: conversational decoding.

In other words, Flat Affect allows us to have a certain amount of control over what could be an anxiety-riddled situation.

Is flat affect necessarily disadvantageous? Or could it be a selectively advantageous genetic variation?

More on that possibility in next week’s blog!

Share this:

**We can have difficulty detecting and decoding what is sometimes called prosody—facial expressions and verbal inflections in tone, stress and rhythm that give added meaning to speech.**

**We can ponder what the other speaker is really saying and actually meaning. We can patiently study any available cues before deciding how we wish to respond.**

**More on that possibility in next week’s blog!**