Adult Aspies and Social situations, anxiety, Aspergers Reading Resources, Aspies Socialization

Hey, Aspies! Here’s the Key to Social Connections.

Do you often feel like an outsider? Unable to connect in a meaningful way with others? In my book, Unforgiving, Memoir of an Asperger Teen, I talk about how, as a teenage girl, “the entire female species was as foreign to me as a zebra to a long-horned steer.”

Fortunately, early in my adult life I found Dale Carnegie’s book, How to Win Friends and Influence People. I strongly suggest you find a copy and read it. His main lesson for social success is simply to get other people to talk about themselves while you actively listen.

And you may be surprised to learn that just being quiet while someone else is talking doesn’t mean you’re listening. Really hearing what the other person is saying is the key to social connection.

This is especially true for us Aspies, because real interest happens only when we allow someone else into our neural space. For me, this can only happen when I shut up and listen.

Only then can I ‘get’ everything the other person is communicating.

For instance, if the other person is speaking about the weather, or their vacation, that’s probably a good indication that, at this particular time, they don’t want to hear about world affairs, software engineering or other complex subjects with which you may be currently obsessed.

And if you think you may like to get to know this person, you need to keep the conversation on their level. You need to ask specific questions related to what they’ve just told you, and you need to do so in a way that expresses your understanding and interest.

Some people are lonely because they haven’t learned to listen. They believe they are right–more intelligent, educated or experienced–and they bully their way through conversations, correcting people, and boring everyone with what they know on the topic. Sound familiar?

This conversational hi-jacking impresses no-one. The fact that these people are knowledgeable, intelligent, highly educated and/or experienced in their field may be both true and appreciated. But it does not override the other person’s need to be recognized.

We all enter into conversations to feel validated. And if that validation doesn’t occur, the brilliant intellectual is going to find himself or herself alone in a room full of uninterested people.

Listen. But do not stand quietly waiting to say what you have to say. Actively engage the other person while being polite, and attentive. Take care to address what they are saying.

You want attention, right? So does the person speaking with you!

And if they really have nothing to say that interests you, excuse yourself politely and move on. Do not be rudely dismissive. Everyone wants and needs to feel important. It is not always all about us.

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Adult Aspies and Social situations, anxiety, UNFORGIVING

The Christmas Party: An Aspie’s Dread

In Unforgiving, Memoir of an Asperger Teen, I am the only person in my entire class who is not invited to the class party.

Yes, it happens, and somehow, we survive. Obviously, I had no gift for social interaction.

But one thing Aspies are good at is learning, and our ability to learn and acquire social skills is key to our enjoyment of the world around us.

And, it’s Christmas. If you’re lucky enough to be invited to a Christmas party, or maybe you just end up there by default–it’s an office thing and you can’t avoid it–wouldn’t it be nice to be able to relax and enjoy the moment?

Knowing some of the basic behaviours and unwritten rules that others take for granted have really helped me since that day of the big un-invite.

Let’s consider the office party.

First of all, I’ve been told that it’s rude to not show up. It could count against you. However, it is not impolite to come a bit late and leave early on, but if you arrive closer to the start time (say, 15-20 minutes after) people may not have clustered into cliques and you might find making and joining conversations easier.

Here are some conversation starters from the November, 2017 issue of Canadian Living Magazine:
- Do you have any plans for the holidays? Are you travelling?
- What were your favourite holiday traditions when you were growing up?
- Tell me about a book that has had a huge influence on you.

Be sure to see your bosses: your supervisor, the manager and/or the department head before you leave. “Thank you.” And “It’s been a pleasure working with you this year.” are some things you might say.

Leaving early? Even though the office party may be a high anxiety event for you, try to wait until someone else has already left before saying your goodbyes. If it’s conspicuously early, you may say you have another commitment. But if it’s curling up with your cat to watch a good movie, it may be wise to refrain from saying so!

I do hope this helps. Thankfully, my social life has improved immensely. And believe me, yours can, too!

Yours truly,

Margaret Jean

Tagged Aspies Social Anxiety, Party manners

Aug 04 2017

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Adult Aspies and Social situations, Aspies and Love

Aspies in Relationships

Recently, while reading a Sydney Holmes’ article, one sentence really struck home: I don’t know what it feels like to be relaxed.

A few days ago when my partner and my son-in-law were comparing notes on what it’s like to be in a relationship with an Aspie, a story about a bath experience triggered instant recognition and laughter.

The story is this: A bath was lovingly prepared by the non Aspie partner. He ran the water, perfumed it with beautifully scented oils, and placed candles all around the tub.

“Just relax in the tub while I make dinner,” the spouse said with a loving smile, fully anticipating that his Aspie love would be soaking for at least an hour.

“Six minutes later, she’s back in the kitchen!”

Personally, I cannot imagine being in the bath for more than ten minutes. What do you DO in a bathtub for more than ten minutes? In my experience you feel the water getting colder and your skin wrinkling like a prune. What’s to enjoy?

My Aspie daughter and I share many similar traits which help us comprehend how we differ from much of the rest of society. But our spouses don’t have the same advantage and thus can find understanding our thought processes quite a chore.

It takes a lot of love and understanding to recognize our rationale sometimes. The great news is that it does seem we’re worth it!

Recently I came across several books on Aspie and non-Aspie relationships. My preview of them indicates they could all be both interesting and helpful:

Alone Together: Making An Asperger Marriage Work. by Katrin Bentley.

Loving Someone with Asperger’s Syndrome: Understanding and Connecting with Your Partner. by Cindy Ariel PhD.

The Journal of Best Practices: A Memoir of Marriage, Asperger’s Syndrome, and One Man’s Quest to be a Better Husband. by David Finch.

Asperger’s Syndrome and Long Term Relationship. by Ashley Stanford.

Our Socially Awkward Marriage: Stories from an Asperger Relationship. by Tom and Linda Peters (Kindle)

You can find these and other helpful titles by going to Amazon books and searching “Asperger’s”.

I am sure there is a lot of help in terms of shared experiences in these books, so why not take advantage!

Yours truly,

Margaret Jean.

Sydney Holmes quote came from an article in Autism Parenting Magazine, Sept 22, 2015: https://www.autismparentingmagazine.com/dear-teacher-sure-fire-ways-you-can-help-asd-kids/

Tagged relationships

Apr 24 2017

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Adult Aspies and Social situations, Aspies in the Workplace., Aspies Socialization

Aspies: How to Make Your Point Politely.

“No!” I blurted out.

The professor and the other students in the class stared at me, appalled. In true Aspie style, I had directly expressed my complete and total disagreement with the lecturer’s statement.

Fortunately, that professor was open-minded and willing to listen to counter-statements, but in many classes that outburst would have netted me a failing mark for the semester. People in general, and especially those in positions of authority like professors and managers, supervisors and bosses often do not like to hear dissenting opinions.

As Aspies, while we need not ever remain silent when we have an opinion which we wish to express, it is important that we express it in a manner which is most likely to be effective.

Consider this: If your response is considered confrontational, it is likely that the listener will simply shut down and shut you out. Would it not be more advantageous to encourage the listener to engage in dialogue with you?

So what is the most effective way of NOT agreeing with someone’s statement, and at the same time putting forward your own questions about their position?

A friend of mine, when he was in university learned to say, “It seems to me…” This allowed him to advance his own opinion without either directly agreeing or disagreeing. The beauty of this opening is that it allows for the advancing of a personal point of view along with evidence that backs up that point of view, in a non-threatening fashion.

“It became a sort of a trademark of mine,” he said. “And it helped me navigate my way through some pretty touchy conversations.”

I have also heard of a very successful person who, when questioning practices in the workplace, would use lead-ins such as “I wonder…” and “I’ve noticed…”

This is a far less abrasive approach than exclaiming “No!”, or saying something like “Why do you do it that way?” or “Shouldn’t you …?” Both of which are considered excessively confrontational by non-Aspies. (Go figure!)

When you convey your position in a non-threatening fashion it allows the listener to ask to have it clarified, to assimilate it, consider it, and perhaps ultimately, even to change their position.

Score one for the Aspies!

Yours truly,

Margaret Jean.

Tagged Asperger's communication problems, Aspie Teens & friends, Non-confrontational discussion, social skills

Jan 10 2017

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Adult Aspies and Social situations, Aspies in the Workplace., Aspies Socialization

Aspies: Five Words That Can Create the Wrong Impression.

In my book, Unforgiving, Memoir of an Asperger’s Teen, I relate how I was often blasted for saying what I thought was expected of me!

Feelings of inadequacy don’t go away easily, so I’m always on the lookout for advice—especially advice related to conversing. Here according to leadership coach Lolly Daskal of Inc.com in New York City, are five words to avoid:

Won’t: When you say that something won’t work it conveys a defeatist attitude. Instead say something like, I have some concerns; let’s work through them.

Maybe: Saying maybe gives the impression of an inability or unwillingness to commit, (not good) and may signify a lack of intention or direction to your listener. A better approach, if you have reservations? I’d like to hear (or see) more details first.

Sorry: This is the perfect word if you have an apology to make. But if you’re asking for something? Sorry does not belong. Phrase your request without apology.

Just: When you say, I’m just concerned… you may sound tentative, even apologetic to the listener. You will come across as much stronger and more confident if you say, I’m concerned….

Usually: This is a word that not only lacks energy, but indicates resistance to change (not that we know anything about that, right Aspies? A friend bought me a charming new hat and was disappointed when I would not wear it. I told him Aspies need time to get used to new things. We need to have it around for awhile before we can deal with it emotionally. The same applies to ideas, changes in schedule, routine, proposed menu—you name it!) So, watch out for the word It will give us away in the twinkling of its four syllables. Instead, gather up your courage and say something like, Let’s give it a try. And mean it.

Aspies, I admire each and every one of you. Thank you so much for following my blog. I’d love to get your input on my posts, so don’t be shy about commenting!

Remember, just getting up each day and going through the motions is important. Even more important? Having a purpose. Read next week’s blog to learn more about that.

Yours truly,

Margaret Jean Adam.

This blog is from material published in January 9, 2017 Financial Post Column by Rick Spence, Free Advice to Live By.

Tagged Asperger's communication problems, Aspies conversational skills

Dec 30 2016

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Adult Aspies and Social situations, anxiety

Aspies: Ten Steps to Mixing at a Party!

Happy New Year everyone!

Invited to a party? Anxious about how that will go? Good news, Aspies: Mixing well at a party is really painless. Here are ten steps to being at ease at a party:

Be presentable. Clean body and clothes, regardless of what you wear. Fresh breath and deodorant are a must. No pet hair on clothes. Lots of people are allergic and you don’t want everyone in the room moving away from you all night.
Arrive on time, especially if it’s a dinner party. Don’t come early, and don’t arrive more than fifteen minutes after the specified time.
Be thoughtful of the host/hostess. Where do you put your coat, etc? Can you help with anything? They will most likely greet you at the door, take your coat, and either hand you a drink or point you to the refreshment table/bar.
Forget about YOU. This is a gathering of diverse people the host brought together with the overall idea of a fun/stimulating/entertaining evening. Therefore each person regardless of appearance, abilities or disabilities, is worthy of your time and attention.
Spend a little time with each guest as they become conversationally accessible. Introduce yourself, mention the weather or the funny hat the host is wearing, or how you know the host. Ask the person about themselves: what do they like to do? How do they know the host? What is the best movie they’ve seen this year? The worst?
LISTEN: Really listen. You aren’t listening if you’re waiting to talk about your favorite topic. And you aren’t listening if you’re looking around wondering who to talk to next. To listen, look at the other person. Absorb what they’re saying. Think of something to ask that relates to what they are saying, or, if the conversation is complex, briefly rephrase what they’ve said to make it clear that you understand. The point of any conversation is to draw the other person out, to see into their mind, their interests, their lives.
Excuse yourself, when it becomes obvious the other person is never going to stop talking, or others have joined in and are pretty much carrying the conversation. Do not take offence that this has happened, it is a natural evolution of party talk. However, if you see people moving away from you? Probably you are talking too much! Go on to the next.
At the end of the night, say a brief goodnight to each person you chatted with, thank your host and check that you have everything; cell phone, purse or wallet, hat, scarf, gloves.
Do not be the last to leave! Unless the host has designated you part of the clean up crew, exit the party in a timely manner. It’s okay to leave at any time, but probably best if you wait til after two or three others have left.
The next day, call or text your host/hostess to tell them how much you enjoyed the event. Be only positive in this missive. Do not point out how they could have improved the party or who they should not have invited or that your aunt has a better recipe for baked Brie. Positive remarks only along with thank you.

Tagged Anxiety and parties, Asperger's and social relations, Aspies at a party, social skills

Oct 28 2016

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Adult Aspies and Social situations, anxiety, Asperger's research

Anxiety: the Big Muscle in Aspie Brains?

Are we anxious because we unintentionally develop the anxiety muscle in our brains? My recent reading has led me to consider the possibility.

Brain Rules: 12 Principles for Surviving and Thriving at Work, Home and School by John Medina offers fascinating insight into the molecular processes that occur in our brains.

Although Medina is a developmental molecular biologist and research consultant chapters like “stressed brains don’t learn the same way” and “we are powerful and natural explorers” capture and entertain those of us with a more elementary knowledge of neural science.

In the chapter on “Wiring–Every brain is wired differently”, Medina tells us our brain is like a muscle: the more you do the same activity, the bigger and more complex that part of the brain that is utilized can become.

For us Aspies. this poses an interesting possibility. Can it be true then, that the more we experience anxiety, the larger and more prominent our anxiety receptors become?

Temple Grandin, in her book The Autistic Brain,states that neuro-imaging shwoed her brain had a larger anxiety receptor than “normal”.

And does Medina’s conclusion explain why forcing ourselves to think positive, to build and maintain positive images of ourselves in social situations, can result in having a better day?

Is it because we are strengthening that part of the brain that builds confidence, feeds positive feelings and reduces our levels of anxiety?

If so, let’s go, Aspies! Let’s exercise the positive neurons, or as Willie Nelson once sang: accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative!

Let us build our brains in a direction in which we are all longing to grow!

Yours truly,

Margaret Jean.

Tagged anxiety

Do you have any plans for the holidays? Are you travelling?

What were your favourite holiday traditions when you were growing up?

Tell me about a book that has had a huge influence on you.

If you’ve read my book, Unforgiving, Memoir of an Asperger Teen, you know that I once aspired to become an actress. Nowadays that aspiration has been downsized to being part of an audience.

But, hey, wouldn’t it be great to see a film that’s not only about people with Autism but which also features actors living on the spectrum in the leading roles?

Here’s your opportunity! Keep the Change is currently being screened in the Jewish Film Festival in Vancouver, BC.

It’s true that it’s too late for the November 2nd screening but how about showing up on November 12th? Maybe I’ll see you there!

Yours truly,

Margaret Jean.

A New York romantic comedy pairing a Jewish couple with autism played in fact by actors on the spectrum. Columbia MFA alumni Rachel Israel’s labour of love is a tour-de-force story about the high-functioning judgmental David and the outgoing Sarah.

From their meet-cute at a Jewish Community Centre program, the pair shares abundant chemistry and surmounts concrete obstacles. The lovers demolish assumptions of otherness, of living with learning disabilities and autism, while propelling a universal and touching story.

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Category Archives: Adult Aspies and Social situations

Do you often feel like an outsider? Unable to connect in a meaningful way with others? In my book, Unforgiving, Memoir of an Asperger Teen, I talk about how, as a teenage girl, “the entire female species was as foreign to me as a zebra to a long-horned steer.”

Fortunately, early in my adult life I found Dale Carnegie’s book, How to Win Friends and Influence People. I strongly suggest you find a copy and read it. His main lesson for social success is simply to get other people to talk about themselves while you actively listen.

And you may be surprised to learn that just being quiet while someone else is talking doesn’t mean you’re listening. Really hearing what the other person is saying is the key to social connection.

This is especially true for us Aspies, because real interest happens only when we allow someone else into our neural space. For me, this can only happen when I shut up and listen.

Only then can I ‘get’ everything the other person is communicating.

For instance, if the other person is speaking about the weather, or their vacation, that’s probably a good indication that, at this particular time, they don’t want to hear about world affairs, software engineering or other complex subjects with which you may be currently obsessed.

And if you think you may like to get to know this person, you need to keep the conversation on their level. You need to ask specific questions related to what they’ve just told you, and you need to do so in a way that expresses your understanding and interest.

Some people are lonely because they haven’t learned to listen. They believe they are right–more intelligent, educated or experienced–and they bully their way through conversations, correcting people, and boring everyone with what they know on the topic. Sound familiar?

This conversational hi-jacking impresses no-one. The fact that these people are knowledgeable, intelligent, highly educated and/or experienced in their field may be both true and appreciated. But it does not override the other person’s need to be recognized.

We all enter into conversations to feel validated. And if that validation doesn’t occur, the brilliant intellectual is going to find himself or herself alone in a room full of uninterested people.

Listen. But do not stand quietly waiting to say what you have to say. Actively engage the other person while being polite, and attentive. Take care to address what they are saying.

You want attention, right? So does the person speaking with you!

And if they really have nothing to say that interests you, excuse yourself politely and move on. Do not be rudely dismissive. Everyone wants and needs to feel important. It is not always all about us.

Share this:

Like this:

In Unforgiving, Memoir of an Asperger Teen, I am the only person in my entire class who is not invited to the class party.

Yes, it happens, and somehow, we survive. Obviously, I had no gift for social interaction.

But one thing Aspies are good at is learning, and our ability to learn and acquire social skills is key to our enjoyment of the world around us.

And, it’s Christmas. If you’re lucky enough to be invited to a Christmas party, or maybe you just end up there by default–it’s an office thing and you can’t avoid it–wouldn’t it be nice to be able to relax and enjoy the moment?

Knowing some of the basic behaviours and unwritten rules that others take for granted have really helped me since that day of the big un-invite.

Let’s consider the office party.

Here are some conversation starters from the November, 2017 issue of Canadian Living Magazine:

Do you have any plans for the holidays? Are you travelling?

What were your favourite holiday traditions when you were growing up?

Tell me about a book that has had a huge influence on you.

Be sure to see your bosses: your supervisor, the manager and/or the department head before you leave. “Thank you.” And “It’s been a pleasure working with you this year.” are some things you might say.

I do hope this helps. Thankfully, my social life has improved immensely. And believe me, yours can, too!

Yours truly,

Margaret Jean

Share this:

Like this:

If you’ve read my book, Unforgiving, Memoir of an Asperger Teen, you know that I once aspired to become an actress. Nowadays that aspiration has been downsized to being part of an audience.

But, hey, wouldn’t it be great to see a film that’s not only about people with Autism but which also features actors living on the spectrum in the leading roles?

Here’s your opportunity! Keep the Change is currently being screened in the Jewish Film Festival in Vancouver, BC.

It’s true that it’s too late for the November 2nd screening but how about showing up on November 12th? Maybe I’ll see you there!

Yours truly,

Margaret Jean.

A New York romantic comedy pairing a Jewish couple with autism played in fact by actors on the spectrum. Columbia MFA alumni Rachel Israel’s labour of love is a tour-de-force story about the high-functioning judgmental David and the outgoing Sarah.

From their meet-cute at a Jewish Community Centre program, the pair shares abundant chemistry and surmounts concrete obstacles. The lovers demolish assumptions of otherness, of living with learning disabilities and autism, while propelling a universal and touching story.

Share this:

Like this:

Recently, while reading a Sydney Holmes’ article, one sentence really struck home: I don’t know what it feels like to be relaxed.

A few days ago when my partner and my son-in-law were comparing notes on what it’s like to be in a relationship with an Aspie, a story about a bath experience triggered instant recognition and laughter.

The story is this: A bath was lovingly prepared by the non Aspie partner. He ran the water, perfumed it with beautifully scented oils, and placed candles all around the tub.

“Just relax in the tub while I make dinner,” the spouse said with a loving smile, fully anticipating that his Aspie love would be soaking for at least an hour.

“Six minutes later, she’s back in the kitchen!”

Personally, I cannot imagine being in the bath for more than ten minutes. What do you DO in a bathtub for more than ten minutes? In my experience you feel the water getting colder and your skin wrinkling like a prune. What’s to enjoy?

My Aspie daughter and I share many similar traits which help us comprehend how we differ from much of the rest of society. But our spouses don’t have the same advantage and thus can find understanding our thought processes quite a chore.

It takes a lot of love and understanding to recognize our rationale sometimes. The great news is that it does seem we’re worth it!

Recently I came across several books on Aspie and non-Aspie relationships. My preview of them indicates they could all be both interesting and helpful:

Alone Together: Making An Asperger Marriage Work. by Katrin Bentley.

Loving Someone with Asperger’s Syndrome: Understanding and Connecting with Your Partner. by Cindy Ariel PhD.

The Journal of Best Practices: A Memoir of Marriage, Asperger’s Syndrome, and One Man’s Quest to be a Better Husband. by David Finch.

Asperger’s Syndrome and Long Term Relationship. by Ashley Stanford.

Our Socially Awkward Marriage: Stories from an Asperger Relationship. by Tom and Linda Peters (Kindle)

You can find these and other helpful titles by going to Amazon books and searching “Asperger’s”.

I am sure there is a lot of help in terms of shared experiences in these books, so why not take advantage!

Yours truly,

Margaret Jean.

Sydney Holmes quote came from an article in Autism Parenting Magazine, Sept 22, 2015: https://www.autismparentingmagazine.com/dear-teacher-sure-fire-ways-you-can-help-asd-kids/

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“No!” I blurted out.

The professor and the other students in the class stared at me, appalled. In true Aspie style, I had directly expressed my complete and total disagreement with the lecturer’s statement.

As Aspies, while we need not ever remain silent when we have an opinion which we wish to express, it is important that we express it in a manner which is most likely to be effective.

Consider this: If your response is considered confrontational, it is likely that the listener will simply shut down and shut you out. Would it not be more advantageous to encourage the listener to engage in dialogue with you?

So what is the most effective way of NOT agreeing with someone’s statement, and at the same time putting forward your own questions about their position?

“It became a sort of a trademark of mine,” he said. “And it helped me navigate my way through some pretty touchy conversations.”

I have also heard of a very successful person who, when questioning practices in the workplace, would use lead-ins such as “I wonder…” and “I’ve noticed…”

This is a far less abrasive approach than exclaiming “No!”, or saying something like “Why do you do it that way?” or “Shouldn’t you …?” Both of which are considered excessively confrontational by non-Aspies. (Go figure!)

When you convey your position in a non-threatening fashion it allows the listener to ask to have it clarified, to assimilate it, consider it, and perhaps ultimately, even to change their position.

Score one for the Aspies!

Yours truly,

Margaret Jean.

Share this:

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Eric Monkman is a young man who has captured the hearts of the British public.

A member of Wolfson College, Cambridge, this young Canadian from Oakville, Ontario is a member of the University Challenge team.