Margaret Jean

Growing up on the autism spectrum, I never understood power in personal relationships.  I naively assumed that as adults, people would just naturally treat each other with respect and acceptance. 

People would want what was best for themselves and for the other person.

And in the workplace that would translate to balancing out the needs of the client, with the efficiency and profitability of the firm, while developing processes which would enable workers to do the best possible job with efficiency, pride and productivity.  For a fair wage.

Once I found myself in the ‘real’ world, I had no idea how to navigate the stresses and anxieties of very different personalities malfunctioning together in the work place.

I once complained to my sister that in the personal relationship I was then immersed in, I was the only powerless person.  I was sobbing.  Her response was straightforward:  You have the power, Marg.  You just don’t use it.

The truth? I didn’t know how.

I’ve learned to hold my own since then.  And recently I’ve found two books that clearly speak to this issue. It’s a relief to find authors who clarify the critical aspects of successfully managing stressful interpersonal relationships. 

Because we all find ourselves in situations that require working with or being with other people. 

Situations like Life.

Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga, two Japanese authors, explore the emotional fallout that can result from coming into contact with ‘the real world’. In their book, The Courage to be Disliked they discuss the calming effects of accepting and embracing who you are.

This book does not even mention autism spectrum disorder. 

Instead, the authors talk about our response to people and situations, and how we can find contentment regardless of what others may think about who we are and what we choose to do.

The format Koga and Kishimi chose for the book is loosely based on Plato’s dialogues.  That is, it’s a plain-language conversation between a philosopher and a young man, revealing the philosophical or Adlerian keys to being true to yourself.

I enjoyed the back and forth discussion; the young man constantly challenging the concepts and ideas put forth by the philosopher.

The discussions  explore the acknowledgement that others are not always going to be aligned with your personality and goals.  In short, they examine how a person can best move forward regardless of the opinions and/or criticisms of others.

Kishimi and Koga discuss our concern about what others might think—and note that this is different from caring about others—and how that emotional involvement with what others think about us, can hinder progress toward being our best self.

It’s a clear philosophical foundation for living your life freed from the inhibiting power of what other people think.

Along the same lines, but much more in the vein of a self-help revelation is The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins. 

Robbins covers topics from achieving your goals to making, maintaining and letting go of friendships.  Her premise is simple: Do people shun you?  Let them. Do others criticize you?  Let them.  Do they do things you would never do?  Let them.  Let go of critical judgements, critical of yourself and of others.

The letting go is only the first step.  Robbins is clear that two steps are needed for this theory to work in an emotionally healthy way. The second step is, after acknowledging the issue that makes you think, “Let them”, you will then go on to explore self-validation in a way that is satisfying to you.

Her delivery, far from being philosophical, is very personal and direct. 

As spectrum riders, we can mourn our social/political/employment situation, or lack thereof, to our heart’s content. But at some point, we have to pick up our tents and move into the real world.  And hopefully?  Make a difference, however small.

Yours truly,

Margaret Jean.