When a topic fascinates us, we Aspies can talk for hours.

Unfortunately, speaking in itself, does not constitute a conversation.

It is listening to someone else and then responding to their information that allows for an exchange of ideas.

This can be a hard lesson for us Aspies to learn.

I once had a book published on tax; on money that people receive when they are downsized and what happens to them tax-wise when they do. I called it Jack and Stanley’s Buyout Adventure.

A human resource manager called. He had read the book and wondered if I would come and talk to him about doing seminars for his employees. He worked for a mining company and the mine was shutting down.

I drove all the way up to Logan Lake from the coast and met a very pleasant man. One who told me he had read the book all the way through just to find out what happened to Jack and Stanley in the end.

That book, as well as being about income tax, was also my first published attempt at characterization and I was flattered to hear it so well received.

In response, I spoke for what seems in retrospect, an hour without once asking him what he and the employees needed.

I’ve been over it a thousand times in my mind. What would a better approach have been?

Maybe something like this: Hello, my name is Margaret and I am thrilled you like my book, Now, what is it you have in mind? How do you see me working with your employees during this closure?

That would have shown a real interest in his dilemma as a human resource person, and also illustrated the fact that I wasn’t just there to tout my book, but rather to be a real help to these men who were being laid off.

Instead, with his encouraging first remarks, I launched into a long history of the book and how it came to be and what it meant to me. I doubt I let him get in a single word.

Needless to say, I did not get the opportunity to give any seminars. Instead, I got to drive all the way back home again, berating myself for a personality flaw that I knew only too well; one that I vowed to work hard to conquer.

In a way, that day was a gift. One from which I have benefitted over and over. It taught me a lesson: It is never just about me. A fruitful conversation always includes others, and that requires not so much talking, as truly listening.

I do hope this helps you.

Yours truly,

Margaret Jean.

Tagged Listening to get the job, Sales and stress

May 31 2018

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writing on the Spectrum

Advocating For Your Loved One: Eight Practical Suggestions.

Caregiver Me

How often have you noticed something that needs to be addressed in order for your loved one to have the best care? Probably almost as often you have felt mentally, emotionally and physically exhausted.

The key to dealing with these situations is to be prepared, to be as informed as possible. Armed with the relevant information you will feel empowered and confident.

These eight practical suggestions will ensure quick access to the records you need to be effective in your dealings with medical professionals and bureaucrats when issues arise.

1. At every appointment, take notes and always date them.

Be sure to include a list of all participants. At meetings with medical practitioners ensure that you record key terminology and associated terms, and any recommendations that are made. This applies not only to specific medical concerns but also to diagnosis and treatment options. I kept these notes in one…

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May 30 2018

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writing on the Spectrum

Aspies: Five Ways To Lower Anxiety

What is the difference between anxiety and fear? I’ve heard it said that fear is a specific dread–for instance, you might be afraid of the man next door because you have heard he’s a pervert or because he always looks angry.

Anxiety on the other hand is the dread you experience but can’t explain. You might be having fearful feelings but not be able to say why. This is very challenging because not knowing where the fear comes from, means you have no way to face down the fear.

But relax. There is help. And I know we’ve talked about this before, but with more than fifty percent of 100,000 college students* rating anxiety as their biggest issue when visiting a campus clinic, and the Canadian Anxiety Disorder Association stating that anxiety is now the number one mental health problem in Canada, this information bears repeating.

So here is help: Five ways to fight anxiety and come out a winner.

At the end of each day, think of three things that went right. Focus your thoughts on those incidents. Did you hand a report in, and get a good mark? Did someone compliment you? Did you finally make that phone call you’ve been dreading to make? Did you balance your budget? Smile at someone who smiled back at you? How did you make these things happen?

For more on the power of positive thinking from Michigan University see:  https://www.uofmhealth.org/node/651843

Be grateful. Think about something you have–your health, your living space, your cat,–and be thankful for it. It can be something as simple as a beautiful day, or rain for your garden or the sun on your face. Feeling and expressing gratitude leads to reduced anxiety. For more information about this topic see:  https://www.bphope.com/bipolar-buzz/10-ways-to-use-the-power-of-gratitude-to-help-depression-anxiety/

Be kind. Doing a good deed doesn’t just lift the spirits of the recipient of your kindness; it somehow magically transforms something inside of us to a good emotion. And here’s the great thing–it doesn’t matter if you save someone from getting hit by a train (very anxiety producing in itself!) or if you just say hello to the lonely senior living down the street–it’s all powerful anti-anxiety medicine.

To learn more see: https://www.springer.com/gp/about-springer/media/research-news/all-english-research-news/doing-good-deeds-helps-socially-anxious-people-relax/679444

Volunteer: think of some charity you’d like to lend a helping hand to, then go and sign up as a volunteer. You’ll meet people with similar interests, see that you are better off than some people, and possibly make new friends. At the very least you’ll have social contact and feel productive.

Be compassionate to yourself. Forgive yourself your blunders. Tell yourself you’ve learned something from that embarrassing situation and will do better next time. try to see the humour in it, and understand that you are loveable, you are unique and you are worthy of happiness.

*From a Penn State University study. Read more at:  http://news.psu.edu/story/343727/2015/02/05/research/annual-report-offers-snapshot-us-college-students%E2%80%99-mental-health

Margaret Jean

What is the difference between anxiety and fear? I’ve heard it said that fear is a specific dread–for instance, you might be afraid of the man next door because you have heard he’s a pervert or because he always looks angry.

Anxiety on the other hand is the dread you experience but can’t explain. You might be having fearful feelings but not be able to say why. This is very challenging because not knowing where the fear comes from, means you have no way to face down the fear.

But relax. There is help. And I know we’ve talked about this before, but with more than fifty percent of 100,000 college students* rating anxiety as their biggest issue when visiting a campus clinic, and the Canadian Anxiety Disorder Association stating that anxiety is now the number one mental health problem in Canada, this information bears repeating.

So here is help: Five ways…

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Apr 26 2018

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anxiety, Aspies and families, Aspies Socialization, child abuse, sexual abuse, UNFORGIVING

An Aspie Memoir: “Unforgiving” by Margaret Jean Adam.

I handed the ‘Life Writing’ assignment in to my professor. It was entitled “The Fictional Story of My Life”.

He gave it a high grade, but asked me, “Why fictional?”

I told him, “because important factors have been left out.” I didn’t say what. Like not understanding how ‘social interaction’ worked. Or, like being repeatedly abused by a sexual predator.

“You should write the truth,” he told me. His name was Roy Miki, it was to be his last class before retiring from a long and illustrious career at Simon Fraser University. He knew all about hard truths. As a young Canadian of Japanese ethnicity he and his family had been interned during the Second World War. He had since fearlessly examined and written his own truths.

At that time I had in mind five books which I wanted to write. My life story was not one of them. But Miki’s words haunted me and I found I could not work on anything else. So, almost reluctantly, I began to recall and piece together my teen years.

“Focus upon an event or period of time that was pivotal, and write around it,” Miki advised.

So I did. I wrote about the summer I auditioned for a part as the lead actress in a National Film Board production. About the boys I loved and the numerous times I made an Aspie faux pas.

And about the humour and sometimes the horror of situations that arose as a result of not understanding the underlying messages in conversations or events, inferences that everyone else seemed to pick up on automatically.

The resulting book is not a fictional version, but the truth, or at least as much of it as I felt people could endure. As much as I could remember. As much as I could bear!

Unforgiving, Memoir of an Asperger Teen is a book that is not so much about what Asperger’s is, but instead one which intends to illustrate the naiveté and social disconnection characteristic of Asperger’s.

I wanted to express how the realization that one is excluded from socially contextual understanding leads to strong feelings of rejection. And how this sense of isolation then denies a person those meaningful ties which would otherwise develop to allow a teen to have a sense of security within her immediate community: family, friends, peers and lovers. A social shelter without which, she is isolated and vulnerable.

Easy prey.

And I wanted to express how, as a teenager, when I recognized this abandonment, and the full force of my emotional aloneness in the world, I found myself to be unforgiving.

To order a copy of Unforgiving, Memoir of an Asperger Teen, go to:

https://www.amazon.ca/Unforgiving-Asperger-Margaret-Jean-Adam/dp/0973136421

Tagged Abuse, rejection, social anxiety

Apr 04 2018

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Adult Aspies and Social situations, anxiety, Aspergers Reading Resources, Aspies Socialization

Hey, Aspies! Here’s the Key to Social Connections.

Do you often feel like an outsider? Unable to connect in a meaningful way with others? In my book, Unforgiving, Memoir of an Asperger Teen, I talk about how, as a teenage girl, “the entire female species was as foreign to me as a zebra to a long-horned steer.”

Fortunately, early in my adult life I found Dale Carnegie’s book, How to Win Friends and Influence People. I strongly suggest you find a copy and read it. His main lesson for social success is simply to get other people to talk about themselves while you actively listen.

And you may be surprised to learn that just being quiet while someone else is talking doesn’t mean you’re listening. Really hearing what the other person is saying is the key to social connection.

This is especially true for us Aspies, because real interest happens only when we allow someone else into our neural space. For me, this can only happen when I shut up and listen.

Only then can I ‘get’ everything the other person is communicating.

For instance, if the other person is speaking about the weather, or their vacation, that’s probably a good indication that, at this particular time, they don’t want to hear about world affairs, software engineering or other complex subjects with which you may be currently obsessed.

And if you think you may like to get to know this person, you need to keep the conversation on their level. You need to ask specific questions related to what they’ve just told you, and you need to do so in a way that expresses your understanding and interest.

Some people are lonely because they haven’t learned to listen. They believe they are right–more intelligent, educated or experienced–and they bully their way through conversations, correcting people, and boring everyone with what they know on the topic. Sound familiar?

This conversational hi-jacking impresses no-one. The fact that these people are knowledgeable, intelligent, highly educated and/or experienced in their field may be both true and appreciated. But it does not override the other person’s need to be recognized.

We all enter into conversations to feel validated. And if that validation doesn’t occur, the brilliant intellectual is going to find himself or herself alone in a room full of uninterested people.

Listen. But do not stand quietly waiting to say what you have to say. Actively engage the other person while being polite, and attentive. Take care to address what they are saying.

You want attention, right? So does the person speaking with you!

And if they really have nothing to say that interests you, excuse yourself politely and move on. Do not be rudely dismissive. Everyone wants and needs to feel important. It is not always all about us.

Tagged conversational bullying, small talk

Feb 17 2018

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Aspie differences positive, Aspies and Anxiety, writing on the Spectrum

As Aspies our Difference is our Strength

There is an Unrecognized Strength in the ways we are Different … one which may lead us toward Unique and Rewarding Opportunities!

“I wish I wasn’t different,” My grandson said recently at a family gathering, reflecting on a mean comment in his school year book.

As Aspies, we often feel we are seen as different: not the norm, whatever ‘normal’ is.

This can make us feel isolated from many, if not most of our peers.

But cheer up! Being different also means we have a unique perspective. And seeing things from an uncommon viewpoint is not all bad.

For instance, say a number of people see a couple taking the legs off a table in order to fit it into their car.

If you’re a car salesman, you might think “They need a bigger car.”

Or a practical person might think, “They could have bought a smaller table.”

Someone who hates a hassle, may well think, “Why didn’t they just have it delivered?”

Ingvar Kampar, a dyslexic seventeen-year-old Swedish teen was certainly not ‘disadvantaged’ by being ‘different’ when he observed the above event. He recognized a unique marketing opportunity: one that would make him a billionaire.

His thought? If the table was sold in pieces packaged in a flat box it would easily fit into most cars. Customers could then assemble it at their leisure, saving them the hassle of first breaking it down, or alternately, the cost of delivery.

He further realized that supplying numerous large goods in this manner would reduce the costs of production by reducing expenses associated with assembly, at the same time greatly reducing the volume and therefore the cost of warehouse space. In addition, the need for delivery and the extra cost to the consumer for this service would be eliminated.

In effect, Kampar’s vision was of a production/retail experience that would be cost efficient for both the producer and the customer.

Thus, IKEA was born.

So, as Aspies we must not be dismayed if our thinking is ‘outside the box’. Our differences can lead us to a unique vision that may result in desirable innovative advances and a successful career.

To learn more about Ingvar Kampar and his unique marketing system, see Youngme Moon’s book, Different.

For us Aspies, that title says it all.

Yours truly,

Margaret Jean

P.S. Other books on having a unique perspective:

The Power of Different, The Link Between Disorder and Genius by Gail Saltz

Be Different, Adventures of A Free-range Aspergian : With Practical Advice for Aspergians, Misfits, Families & Teachers by John Elder Robison.

Tagged asperger traits, Asperger's, Aspies Social Anxiety

Jan 26 2018

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anxiety, Aspies and job interviews

Asperger Dread: The Job Interview… Arrrgggg!!

Do you have job interview nightmares in which you self-destruct?

We all have them. Even neural typicals, I’m told!

How may we best avoid them? By being prepared! If it is a phone interview, here are some helpful tips.

Read and re-read the job description before editing and perfecting your resume. Then print a copy of your resume, and keep it on your desk so you have it on hand when the interviewer calls.

Make a simple, clear list of the main requirements of the job description, along with a succinct but precise list of how you can achieve them, and keep those lists on hand, also.

Practice stating clearly and confidently out loud how you believe your previous job experience, your type of personality and your approach to your work make you a good fit for the job.

Read and reread the instructional email regarding the interview. Make sure you have a clear understanding of the date, time, and process.

Here is my (latest) nightmare interview:

It is 10 a.m. I sit, waiting for the for the ten o’clock phone call. According to the email, this is the time scheduled for a corporate interviewer to contact me.

I have been recruited for this job so I shouldn’t be so nervous. But my back and shoulders are rigid. I rotate my shoulders and flap my hands, hoping to ease the tension.

It is now 10:13 a.m. My phone should have rung by now, but it hasn’t. I check the email.

Oh no! I was supposed to phone them.

It is 10:15 a.m. I quickly dial the number and navigate my way through front end messaging to get to interviewer. I apologize for being late. and explain in my Asperger way what happened.

It boils down to: I didn’t take time to read the instructions I was given. But neither the interviewer nor I am saying so. No doubt she is madly keying this info into her computer file!

I try to collect myself during some general discussion of my work history (thank goodness I have my resume beside me, along with the job description of the position I’m applying for printed out beside me.) I thought I was well prepped, but I blew it by misreading the email and now, no doubt I am considered to be unreliable!

The interviewer is rushing a bit because we’re late, and I’m just barely managing to keep up. Still, my preparation with the job description and my resume are paying off.

Next I’m given some sample client questions. The first one is simple, direct, uncomplicated. I confidently answer it off the top of my head.

The second question, is more complex. I can only answer part of it without research, which I explain to the interviewer without apology. Third question? I nail it!

My confidence somewhat renewed, I deflect the interview back to her by saying I think she has a great job. She agrees, and tells me a bit about it, and about herself. From this openness I gather she must feel I am a reasonable prospect.

Do I have any questions? I do. Are they seeking agents who can answer the questions, or agents who know where to find the answer? She eplies that they want agents who know the answers and can back them up with online references and put it all in laymen’s terms.

The interviewer reminds me that my next interview is at 3:30 p.m. Eastern Time. As I am on Pacific Time, this takes some calculation and I realize it will occur in an hour and a half.

After the first interview, I remember only what I have done wrong. I called in late for the interview, and I was flustered. I didn’t ask a single probing question when given the sample customer queries. I answered her first questions about the work with only one or two word answers.

I make certain to call on time for the next interview.

Guess what? I did get the job! After my intial nervousness I was able to settle down, analyze the procedures and really excel. But that’s another blog entirely…

For information on the most commonly asked interview questions and preferred answers refer to:

https://www.agent.media/grow/most-common-interview-questions-and-answers/

You CAN do it!

Margaret Jean.

Tagged banish interview anxiety, prep for job interviews

Nov 28 2017

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Adult Aspies and Social situations, anxiety, UNFORGIVING

The Christmas Party: An Aspie’s Dread

In Unforgiving, Memoir of an Asperger Teen, I am the only person in my entire class who is not invited to the class party.

Yes, it happens, and somehow, we survive. Obviously, I had no gift for social interaction.

But one thing Aspies are good at is learning, and our ability to learn and acquire social skills is key to our enjoyment of the world around us.

And, it’s Christmas. If you’re lucky enough to be invited to a Christmas party, or maybe you just end up there by default–it’s an office thing and you can’t avoid it–wouldn’t it be nice to be able to relax and enjoy the moment?

Knowing some of the basic behaviours and unwritten rules that others take for granted have really helped me since that day of the big un-invite.

Let’s consider the office party.

First of all, I’ve been told that it’s rude to not show up. It could count against you. However, it is not impolite to come a bit late and leave early on, but if you arrive closer to the start time (say, 15-20 minutes after) people may not have clustered into cliques and you might find making and joining conversations easier.

Here are some conversation starters from the November, 2017 issue of Canadian Living Magazine:
- Do you have any plans for the holidays? Are you travelling?
- What were your favourite holiday traditions when you were growing up?
- Tell me about a book that has had a huge influence on you.

Be sure to see your bosses: your supervisor, the manager and/or the department head before you leave. “Thank you.” And “It’s been a pleasure working with you this year.” are some things you might say.

Leaving early? Even though the office party may be a high anxiety event for you, try to wait until someone else has already left before saying your goodbyes. If it’s conspicuously early, you may say you have another commitment. But if it’s curling up with your cat to watch a good movie, it may be wise to refrain from saying so!

I do hope this helps. Thankfully, my social life has improved immensely. And believe me, yours can, too!

Yours truly,

Margaret Jean

Tagged Aspies Social Anxiety, Party manners

Nov 04 2017

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Adult Aspies and Social situations, Aspies Entertainment, Autism Spectrum, UNFORGIVING

Aspie’s Entertainment: Vancouver

If you’ve read my book, Unforgiving, Memoir of an Asperger Teen, you know that I once aspired to become an actress. Nowadays that aspiration has been downsized to being part of an audience.

But, hey, wouldn’t it be great to see a film that’s not only about people with Autism but which also features actors living on the spectrum in the leading roles?

Here’s your opportunity! Keep the Change is currently being screened in the Jewish Film Festival in Vancouver, BC.

It’s true that it’s too late for the November 2nd screening but how about showing up on November 12th? Maybe I’ll see you there!

Yours truly,

Margaret Jean.

‘Keep the Change’

A New York romantic comedy pairing a Jewish couple with autism played in fact by actors on the spectrum. Columbia MFA alumni Rachel Israel’s labour of love is a tour-de-force story about the high-functioning judgmental David and the outgoing Sarah.

From their meet-cute at a Jewish Community Centre program, the pair shares abundant chemistry and surmounts concrete obstacles. The lovers demolish assumptions of otherness, of living with learning disabilities and autism, while propelling a universal and touching story.

Keep The Change

Thursday, November 2 at 7PM

Fifth Avenue Cinemas (19+)

Buy Tickets: https://www.goelevent.com/VJFF/e/KeepTheChangeGala

Keep The Change (Second Screening)

Sunday, November 12 at 10AM (All ages) Norman and Annette Rothstein

Theatre at JCCGV Buy Tickets:

https://www.goelevent.com/VJFF/e/KeepTheChangeRepeat

Tagged Asperger's and social relations, relationships

Oct 05 2017

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anxiety, Asperger teens, Aspies and Anxiety, Aspies volunteering

Aspies: Ten Ways Volunteering Can Help Us Learn to Adapt.

When someone else changes plans which also affect us, as Aspies we may become temporarily stuck in a “this is unacceptable!” zone. How can we become more adaptable?

What activities or new experiences may best help us handle change so that we might adapt to other’s needs and acquire a healthier focus; one which does not lead us to a feeling of dread when we must deal with a changed agenda?

Save The Children’s Marc and Craig Kielburger give a possible solution in a recent newspaper article*:

“Youth who volunteer through our service programs…are more comfortable adapting to change…”

Renowned for creating the Save The Children Foundation as a young teen in high school, Craig Kielburger still operates the organization that was originally entirely run by and for children.

In their article, the Kielburger brothers note the following ten ways in whiuch volunteering helps teenagers adjust to school and other stresses, including aversion to change:

When you do something for others, your stress levels are reduced. This is proven by research**.
Volunteering may give you an alternative social scene, in which you can find a sense of community and belonging.
Volunteering for a cause you’re passionate about will connect you with mentors who have similar interests.
Helping others puts your focus outside of yourself, encouaging you to see your own situation in a different and possibly more positive light.
Volunteering broadens your outlook. Your own problems may seem far less significant when you come face to face with the plight of others.
Seeing other’s problems, Kielburger says, can help you build both perspective and empathy. Kielburger also notes that doctors state that empathy is a powerful antidote to stress.
As a Volunteer you enjoy increased self-esteen. According to research done within the Foundation, volunteers for Save The Children are 1.3 times more likely to “have a strong sense of self”.
The kind of stress found in volunteering — that is, helping others with their problems — can be an opportunity to overcome challenges, to build resiliency and to develop self-esteem.
Volunteering can build leadership skills.
Volunteering helps develop a life – long habit of giving back.

Find a cause you are passionate about, Aspies and get involved!

Maybe sorting clothes at the local hospice society thrift shop won’t do it for you, but perhaps volunteering in a Wildlife Preservation Society or starting up a chapter of Save the Children will.

Whatever you choose, if you give it your all you will find yourself thinking about situations, people and places beyond your own inner world. Go for it. And, most importantly, enjoy!

Asperger Me!

When a topic fascinates us, we Aspies can talk for hours.

Unfortunately, speaking in itself, does not constitute a conversation.

It is listening to someone else and then responding to their information that allows for an exchange of ideas.

This can be a hard lesson for us Aspies to learn.

I once had a book published on tax; on money that people receive when they are downsized and what happens to them tax-wise when they do. I called it Jack and Stanley’s Buyout Adventure.

A human resource manager called. He had read the book and wondered if I would come and talk to him about doing seminars for his employees. He worked for a mining company and the mine was shutting down.

I drove all the way up to Logan Lake from the coast and met a very pleasant man. One who told me he had read the book all the way through just to find out what happened to Jack and Stanley in the end.

That book, as well as being about income tax, was also my first published attempt at characterization and I was flattered to hear it so well received.

In response, I spoke for what seems in retrospect, an hour without once asking him what he and the employees needed.

I’ve been over it a thousand times in my mind. What would a better approach have been?

Maybe something like this: Hello, my name is Margaret and I am thrilled you like my book, Now, what is it you have in mind? How do you see me working with your employees during this closure?

That would have shown a real interest in his dilemma as a human resource person, and also illustrated the fact that I wasn’t just there to tout my book, but rather to be a real help to these men who were being laid off.

Instead, with his encouraging first remarks, I launched into a long history of the book and how it came to be and what it meant to me. I doubt I let him get in a single word.

Needless to say, I did not get the opportunity to give any seminars. Instead, I got to drive all the way back home again, berating myself for a personality flaw that I knew only too well; one that I vowed to work hard to conquer.

In a way, that day was a gift. One from which I have benefitted over and over. It taught me a lesson: It is never just about me. A fruitful conversation always includes others, and that requires not so much talking, as truly listening.

I do hope this helps you.

Yours truly,

Margaret Jean.

Share this:

How often have you noticed something that needs to be addressed in order for your loved one to have the best care? Probably almost as often you have felt mentally, emotionally and physically exhausted.

The key to dealing with these situations is to be prepared, to be as informed as possible. Armed with the relevant information you will feel empowered and confident.

These eight practical suggestions will ensure quick access to the records you need to be effective in your dealings with medical professionals and bureaucrats when issues arise.

1. At every appointment, take notes and always date them.

Share this:

What is the difference between anxiety and fear? I’ve heard it said that fear is a specific dread–for instance, you might be afraid of the man next door because you have heard he’s a pervert or because he always looks angry.

Anxiety on the other hand is the dread you experience but can’t explain. You might be having fearful feelings but not be able to say why. This is very challenging because not knowing where the fear comes from, means you have no way to face down the fear.

So here is help: Five ways to fight anxiety and come out a winner.

Volunteer: think of some charity you’d like to lend a helping hand to, then go and sign up as a volunteer. You’ll meet people with similar interests, see that you are better off than some people, and possibly make new friends. At the very least you’ll have social contact and feel productive.

Be compassionate to yourself. Forgive yourself your blunders. Tell yourself you’ve learned something from that embarrassing situation and will do better next time. try to see the humour in it, and understand that you are loveable, you are unique and you are worthy of happiness.

What is the difference between anxiety and fear? I’ve heard it said that fear is a specific dread–for instance, you might be afraid of the man next door because you have heard he’s a pervert or because he always looks angry.

Anxiety on the other hand is the dread you experience but can’t explain. You might be having fearful feelings but not be able to say why. This is very challenging because not knowing where the fear comes from, means you have no way to face down the fear.

So here is help: Five ways…

Share this:

I handed the ‘Life Writing’ assignment in to my professor. It was entitled “The Fictional Story of My Life”.

He gave it a high grade, but asked me, “Why fictional?”

I told him, “because important factors have been left out.” I didn’t say what. Like not understanding how ‘social interaction’ worked. Or, like being repeatedly abused by a sexual predator.

At that time I had in mind five books which I wanted to write. My life story was not one of them. But Miki’s words haunted me and I found I could not work on anything else. So, almost reluctantly, I began to recall and piece together my teen years.

“Focus upon an event or period of time that was pivotal, and write around it,” Miki advised.

So I did. I wrote about the summer I auditioned for a part as the lead actress in a National Film Board production. About the boys I loved and the numerous times I made an Aspie faux pas.

And about the humour and sometimes the horror of situations that arose as a result of not understanding the underlying messages in conversations or events, inferences that everyone else seemed to pick up on automatically.

The resulting book is not a fictional version, but the truth, or at least as much of it as I felt people could endure. As much as I could remember. As much as I could bear!

Unforgiving, Memoir of an Asperger Teen is a book that is not so much about what Asperger’s is, but instead one which intends to illustrate the naiveté and social disconnection characteristic of Asperger’s.

Easy prey.

And I wanted to express how, as a teenager, when I recognized this abandonment, and the full force of my emotional aloneness in the world, I found myself to be unforgiving.

To order a copy of Unforgiving, Memoir of an Asperger Teen, go to:

Share this:

Do you often feel like an outsider? Unable to connect in a meaningful way with others? In my book, Unforgiving, Memoir of an Asperger Teen, I talk about how, as a teenage girl, “the entire female species was as foreign to me as a zebra to a long-horned steer.”

Fortunately, early in my adult life I found Dale Carnegie’s book, How to Win Friends and Influence People. I strongly suggest you find a copy and read it. His main lesson for social success is simply to get other people to talk about themselves while you actively listen.

And you may be surprised to learn that just being quiet while someone else is talking doesn’t mean you’re listening. Really hearing what the other person is saying is the key to social connection.

This is especially true for us Aspies, because real interest happens only when we allow someone else into our neural space. For me, this can only happen when I shut up and listen.

Only then can I ‘get’ everything the other person is communicating.

For instance, if the other person is speaking about the weather, or their vacation, that’s probably a good indication that, at this particular time, they don’t want to hear about world affairs, software engineering or other complex subjects with which you may be currently obsessed.

And if you think you may like to get to know this person, you need to keep the conversation on their level. You need to ask specific questions related to what they’ve just told you, and you need to do so in a way that expresses your understanding and interest.

Some people are lonely because they haven’t learned to listen. They believe they are right–more intelligent, educated or experienced–and they bully their way through conversations, correcting people, and boring everyone with what they know on the topic. Sound familiar?

This conversational hi-jacking impresses no-one. The fact that these people are knowledgeable, intelligent, highly educated and/or experienced in their field may be both true and appreciated. But it does not override the other person’s need to be recognized.

We all enter into conversations to feel validated. And if that validation doesn’t occur, the brilliant intellectual is going to find himself or herself alone in a room full of uninterested people.

Listen. But do not stand quietly waiting to say what you have to say. Actively engage the other person while being polite, and attentive. Take care to address what they are saying.

You want attention, right? So does the person speaking with you!

And if they really have nothing to say that interests you, excuse yourself politely and move on. Do not be rudely dismissive. Everyone wants and needs to feel important. It is not always all about us.

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There is an Unrecognized Strength in the ways we are Different … one which may lead us toward Unique and Rewarding Opportunities!

“I wish I wasn’t different,” My grandson said recently at a family gathering, reflecting on a mean comment in his school year book.

As Aspies, we often feel we are seen as different: not the norm, whatever ‘normal’ is.

This can make us feel isolated from many, if not most of our peers.

But cheer up! Being different also means we have a unique perspective. And seeing things from an uncommon viewpoint is not all bad.

For instance, say a number of people see a couple taking the legs off a table in order to fit it into their car.

If you’re a car salesman, you might think “They need a bigger car.”

Or a practical person might think, “They could have bought a smaller table.”

Someone who hates a hassle, may well think, “Why didn’t they just have it delivered?”

Ingvar Kampar, a dyslexic seventeen-year-old Swedish teen was certainly not ‘disadvantaged’ by being ‘different’ when he observed the above event. He recognized a unique marketing opportunity: one that would make him a billionaire.

His thought? If the table was sold in pieces packaged in a flat box it would easily fit into most cars. Customers could then assemble it at their leisure, saving them the hassle of first breaking it down, or alternately, the cost of delivery.

In effect, Kampar’s vision was of a production/retail experience that would be cost efficient for both the producer and the customer.

Thus, IKEA was born.

So, as Aspies we must not be dismayed if our thinking is ‘outside the box’. Our differences can lead us to a unique vision that may result in desirable innovative advances and a successful career.

To learn more about Ingvar Kampar and his unique marketing system, see Youngme Moon’s book, Different.

For us Aspies, that title says it all.

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Do you have job interview nightmares in which you self-destruct?

We all have them. Even neural typicals, I’m told!