Tag Archives: relationships

Aspies in Relationships

Recently, while reading a Sydney Holmes’ article, one sentence really struck home:  I don’t know what it feels like to be relaxed.

A few days ago when my partner and my son-in-law were comparing notes on what it’s like to be in a relationship with an Aspie, a story about a bath experience triggered instant recognition and laughter.

The story is this:  A bath was lovingly prepared by the non Aspie partner.  He ran the water, perfumed it with beautifully scented oils, and placed candles all around the tub.

“Just relax in the tub while I make dinner,” the spouse said with a loving smile, fully anticipating that his Aspie love would be soaking for at least an hour.

“Six minutes later, she’s back in the kitchen!”

Personally, I cannot imagine being in the bath for more than ten minutes.  What do you DO in a bathtub for more than ten minutes?  In my experience you feel the water getting colder and your skin wrinkling like a prune.   What’s to enjoy?

My Aspie daughter and I share many similar traits which help us comprehend how we differ from much of the rest of society. But our spouses don’t have the same advantage and thus can find understanding our thought processes quite a chore.

It takes a lot of love and understanding to recognize our rationale sometimes.  The great news is that it does seem we’re worth it!

Recently I came across several books on Aspie and non-Aspie relationships. My preview of them indicates they could all be both interesting and helpful:

Alone Together: Making An Asperger Marriage Work.  by Katrin Bentley.

Loving Someone with Asperger’s Syndrome: Understanding and Connecting with Your Partner.  by Cindy Ariel PhD.

The Journal of Best Practices: A Memoir of Marriage, Asperger’s Syndrome, and One Man’s Quest to be a Better Husband.    by David Finch.

Asperger’s Syndrome and Long Term Relationship.   by Ashley Stanford.

Our Socially Awkward Marriage: Stories from an Asperger Relationship.    by Tom and Linda Peters (Kindle)

You can find these and other helpful titles by going to Amazon books and searching “Asperger’s”.

I am sure there is a lot of help in terms of shared experiences in these books, so why not take advantage!

Yours truly,

Margaret Jean.

Sydney Holmes quote came from an article in Autism Parenting Magazine, Sept 22, 2015: https://www.autismparentingmagazine.com/dear-teacher-sure-fire-ways-you-can-help-asd-kids/

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Asperger’s: Help For Social Encounters.

Isn’t that video helpful for overcoming social anxiety?

You know, no matter how many successful social encounters I have, it seems the ones the Asperger’s ones that don’t go well are the ones that linger ghost-like in my mind, haunting me.

Recently I had an encounter where my aim was to convey care and concern for someone.  I totally missed the mark.

Instead of greeting that person in a pleasant way  to set them at ease, I began with the imperative  We have to talk!

Then, instead of asking how they were or how things were going for them, I launched into a prepared speech!

The target of my concern (and target is a most appropriate term) looked at me as if I were some alien being suddenly projected into the time and space slot before them.

Stunned and confused, possibly even hurt by my well-meaning verbal tackle, they said something abrupt and walked away.

Of course I immediately reviewed all the errors in my approach, feeling an absolute idiot. But then I remembered my advice to all of my fellow Aspies: have compassion for yourself.

I tried, but for the next few weeks, I shuddered each time I recalled the non-conversation.

However, I was redeemed.  When my birthday came along several weeks later, that same person left flowers on my door.  So I guess he got the message regardless of my delivery system.

Take heart, Aspies!  Sometimes our not-so-socially-correct way of communicating still manages to connect.

Yours truly,

Margaret Jean.

 

 

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The How-To Behind Friendship (Not Just For Aspies!)

Making friends and keeping friends: Research confirms these are two areas that seem to seriously challenge children with Asperger’s.

 So says Anna Matchneva, a lecturer and one-on-one counsellor who works closely with children on the autism spectrum and their parents.

Rejected:  This is a category of children Anna often sees.  She is not referring to parental neglect, but to the playground or social setting.

The rejected child is one who tries to join a group but is denied access.

Mostly we will never know why some people choose not to be friends with us.  But totally there are things we can do differently.

For instance, we might approach a group and start talking about whatever is on our mind when really?  We need to listen.  Try to pick up on what the others are saying.  Take a little time to formulate a brief remark in line with their conversation.  Don’t try to work in your current interest.  Stick to their conversation.

But hey, that’s easy to learn, right?  Just take a little time before speaking.  Listen.  Try to understand what they’re talking about.  Not just what they’re saying, but what they mean.

 We Aspies get a little starved for attention sometimes and that can make us talk too much, too loud, too soon.  But it’s easy enough to get over those habits.

I know myself, I have to be careful not to dive hell bent for leather into a topic, completely overwhelming and boring the people who were kind enough to invite me into the group.

And anyway, not every group wants another member.  They may be having a private conversation.  They may believe they have nothing in common with you, and therefore, not see any point in trying to make friends.  Maybe they are happy just as they are.  Then you need to find someone else to talk with.

Remember, your focus can be a very good thing, even if others don’t want to share in it.  It’s similar to the single-mindedness that made Taylor Swift a star and Bill Gates a computer mogul.

Try to listen first.  Take a minute or two to find out what the group and the conversation is about.  And when you do speak, smile, keep a neutral tone, and above all, be brief!

And please note–Aspies aren’t the only people in the world who have trouble making and keeping friends.  Lots of people do!

Yours truly,

Margaret Jean

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Rap Tune About Bullying Comes To Surprising Conclusion.

Hi!  This blog site is to talk about current issues associated with my book, UNFORGIVING, the Memoir of an Asperger Teen.  The book is set in the 1960’s and relives the summer I won a part in a National Film Board short. 
 
How does it feel to go from every day rural life to the glamour of being chauffered to and from work every day?   How does one differentiate between past abusive and present normal relationships?  Where do I turn for help?
 
Since bullying is always an issue with Asperger kids, a good way to start this blog is with this video about bullying.
Don’t be put off by the initial verses.  The rapper comes around to an excellent solution for kids who are being bullied.
I hope you enjoy this work…Where do kids like me go? http://youtu.be/CCjQCpN48b4
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