Adult Aspies and Social situations, anxiety, Asperger's diagnosis, Asperger's research, camouflaging & autism

My Asperger Personality Unmasked.

Research published online on May 19, 2017 examines the notion that Aspies and others on the spectrum camouflage their autistic personalities in order to manage social situations.

The study entitled, “Putting on My Best Normal”: Social Camouflaging in Adults with Autism Spectrum Conditions* looks at a number of issues ranging from:

why females in particular are often diagnosed later in life,
if the fact that so few females are diagnosed is due to the feminine personality being more successful at camouflaging, and
that perhaps camouflaging can be detrimental to our mental health.

Before I read the study, I wrote this blog in an explosive mood after experiencing severe anxieties about taking a bath. I didn’t post it because I was afraid of what my partner would think if he read it.

**After what I read in the study, I realized that by not showing him the blog I was camouflaging, masking my anxiety–though honestly, not very well.**

Why did I take a bath? Because it’s such a normal thing to do, and I felt that I must be weird to be so resistant to sitting in a tub.

What follows in the resulting blog are my true feelings about the situation. Looking at it now that a little time has passed, I realize that while some of the blog sounds reasonable, logical and fairly intelligent, other aspects simply seem to be the rantings of an angry child.

Here it is then, one Asperger personality, my own, unmasked and unleashed!

The Bath: A Source of Anxiety for Asperger Me.

As an Aspie, maintaining a relationship can be a challenge.

My partner thinks of baths as sensual, delightful, peaceful and meditative experiences. Candles, essential oils, music, time for reflection.

There is no music in my bathroom, I told him.

To break the ensuing period of uncomfortable silence, I spoke up. I said Baths are boring. Which, granted, was probably rather inconsiderate. That’s when he brought up the essential oils, candlelight, reflection etc.

You have to sit there. I said. Doing nothing.

People who take baths seem to think that to truly enjoy bathing you have to sit in the water … like forever. I am not tall, but my chest is always out of the water. It gets cold. I soak a cloth in the warm bath water, but it quickly gets cold too.

I could catch a chest cold. Not to mention the other alternative: die of boredom.

You haven’t learned how to let go, he says. How to be one with the water, breathe in the aroma of the oil, enjoy the sensual texture of the water against your skin.

It’s tap water, okay? Tap water.

You want me to be at one with the water? Take me to a warm ocean, where the air is fresh and salty, the water buoyant and in constant motion. My body, floating, swaying with the sea, caught up in the ebb and flow, me at one with the sea responding to the universe. Now that rocks! Moving in tune with the moon’s gravitational pull … that’s a sensual, soul-saturating sense of unity.

But a four-foot tub filled with tap water? Come on!

You have to learn to relax, he says. He means be STILL. Unfortunately to actually be still is a physical impossibility for me.

I have a familial tremor, which means my body is in constant motion whether I am consciously moving it or not. It also means my adrenalin is always, to some extent in fight or flight mode, under which circumstances, unless I’m sleeping or comatose, it is pretty much anxiety-producing to be still.

But okay. I had a bath. I believe I stayed in that tub for ten whole minutes. Maybe eleven.

Because I know it’s important to him. I just don’t know why it’s important to him that I have a bath. I shower every day. Sometimes twice a day. I’m a bit of a clean freak. But it’s important to him that I try, so I’ll fill the tub, light the candles and sit there as long as I can bear it.

Next time? If he brings in a portable CD player and puts on some Celtic music, I’m going for twelve minutes.

*More about this study can be found at: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5509825/

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Adult Aspies and Social situations, Aspies Socialization, Aspies volunteering

Social Context: Finding & Attracting Genuine Friends with Common Interests.

When making new friendships it is important to be seen and to see others in context.

Consider how you wish to be seen. Is it sitting alone in Starbucks? Probably not.

A richer context for making connections is likely to exist in areas where you are fully engaged: when you are at the community centre doing volunteer work or at college taking classes or in your town, taking a tour of the art gallery, a historic part of town, or of the local flora and fauna.

People you meet while working in a community garden or volunteering at your local wildlife refuge or animal shelter are likely to be interesting, active and involved people who may make excellent friends.

The same could be true of those people you’d meet as a regular participant in a church group or continuing education classes or neighborhood events.

People need to know who you are and what is important to you and being alone in Starbucks may imply a story of vulnerability, isolation and aloofness.

I am guessing that is not what you want to convey; not what you are about!

Seeing others in context is equally important. If you do not meet someone in the course of a group activity, you may be missing several important clues about them: how well do they relate to others? Are they compassionate? Funny? Kind? Critical? Irritating?

Is their outlook mostly negative? Or is it mainly positive? Are they friendly and welcoming? Are they impatient with others who may have difficulty understanding instructions or performing certain tasks?

These questions can more easily be answered within the context of a social gathering. When we are always alone there are fewer clues about who we are.

Explore your interests and your options to find a social context—a club, committee or group of real live people that you can join.

By giving yourself a social context which honestly conveys what you value to others, you increase the reliability of their estimation of who you are and of interests you may have in common.

Tagged friendship, relationships, social context

Sep 13 2018

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Aspies and Flat Aspect, Botox, Carla Ciccone, Uncategorized

Aspies: Flat Aspect–is this the Botox Experience?

When I read Carla Ciccone’s article in the September 7th edition of the Vancouver Sun, my first thought was welcome to an Aspie’s world, Carla!

When she had a Botox treatment to alleviate some of the wrinkles in her forehead, she lost the ability to express her feelings facially; something I immediately saw as the equivalent of an Aspie’s ‘flat aspect’.

Ciccone writes that she was proud of her ‘bitch’ face. The one with frown lines between dark brows and eyes that narrowed aggressively to a “hawk-like gaze”, a look which she used to express feelings ranging from confusion to rage.

She wanted people to know when she was angry. And she conveyed that emotion through facial expression.

But after her Botox treatment, “I was feeling a frown on the inside but my face reflected…serenity.”

Could our Aspies’ ‘flat aspect’, or lack of facial mobility, be the equivalent of having frequent Botox treatments?

As an Aspie, I often have strong emotions that I do not express, either verbally or facially.

I let the moment pass and try to sort out how I’m feeling and why. Is it normal to have this feeling? How can I express my emotional reaction without being offensive? Sometimes it may take days for me to figure this out.

In the meantime, those around me have no idea that I’m upset. The only emotional barometer they have is linked to my speech patterns.

I become more quiet than usual; contribute less to the conversation. I have a less animated reaction to conversations–which is hard to detect as speaking in flat tones can often be my normal.

It occurs to me that if I follow Ciccone’s example and learn facial expressions to convey what I’m feeling, it will be easier for people to understand what’s going on with me in the moment, instead of hours or days later.

This could be integral to successful socializing and a crucial component of being in a meaningful relationship.

Ciccone also writes: Since nothing that I was going through in my inner world was visible externally, I began to feel a little bit dead inside.

How about it, Aspies? Is this true for us, too? Is ‘flat aspect’ or the lack of facial expression of emotion, a reason we sometimes find ourselves on the periphery of social life? And do we need to change that?

However, having said that, there are obvious benefits to being an aspie with ‘flat aspect’. As well as being inscrutable, look how much we can save on Botox treatments!!

Tagged Aspies and socializing, Botox, relationships

Aug 04 2017

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Adult Aspies and Social situations, Aspies and Love

Aspies in Relationships

Recently, while reading a Sydney Holmes’ article, one sentence really struck home: I don’t know what it feels like to be relaxed.

A few days ago when my partner and my son-in-law were comparing notes on what it’s like to be in a relationship with an Aspie, a story about a bath experience triggered instant recognition and laughter.

The story is this: A bath was lovingly prepared by the non Aspie partner. He ran the water, perfumed it with beautifully scented oils, and placed candles all around the tub.

“Just relax in the tub while I make dinner,” the spouse said with a loving smile, fully anticipating that his Aspie love would be soaking for at least an hour.

“Six minutes later, she’s back in the kitchen!”

Personally, I cannot imagine being in the bath for more than ten minutes. What do you DO in a bathtub for more than ten minutes? In my experience you feel the water getting colder and your skin wrinkling like a prune. What’s to enjoy?

My Aspie daughter and I share many similar traits which help us comprehend how we differ from much of the rest of society. But our spouses don’t have the same advantage and thus can find understanding our thought processes quite a chore.

It takes a lot of love and understanding to recognize our rationale sometimes. The great news is that it does seem we’re worth it!

Recently I came across several books on Aspie and non-Aspie relationships. My preview of them indicates they could all be both interesting and helpful:

Alone Together: Making An Asperger Marriage Work. by Katrin Bentley.

Loving Someone with Asperger’s Syndrome: Understanding and Connecting with Your Partner. by Cindy Ariel PhD.

The Journal of Best Practices: A Memoir of Marriage, Asperger’s Syndrome, and One Man’s Quest to be a Better Husband. by David Finch.

Asperger’s Syndrome and Long Term Relationship. by Ashley Stanford.

Our Socially Awkward Marriage: Stories from an Asperger Relationship. by Tom and Linda Peters (Kindle)

You can find these and other helpful titles by going to Amazon books and searching “Asperger’s”.

I am sure there is a lot of help in terms of shared experiences in these books, so why not take advantage!

Yours truly,

Margaret Jean.

Sydney Holmes quote came from an article in Autism Parenting Magazine, Sept 22, 2015: https://www.autismparentingmagazine.com/dear-teacher-sure-fire-ways-you-can-help-asd-kids/

Tagged relationships

Jan 09 2013

3 Comments

Autism Spectrum, behaviours

The How-To Behind Friendship (Not Just For Aspies!)

Making friends and keeping friends: Research confirms these are two areas that seem to seriously challenge children with Asperger’s.

So says Anna Matchneva, a lecturer and one-on-one counsellor who works closely with children on the autism spectrum and their parents.

Rejected: This is a category of children Anna often sees. She is not referring to parental neglect, but to the playground or social setting.

The rejected child is one who tries to join a group but is denied access.

Mostly we will never know why some people choose not to be friends with us. But totally there are things we can do differently.

For instance, we might approach a group and start talking about whatever is on our mind when really? We need to listen. Try to pick up on what the others are saying. Take a little time to formulate a brief remark in line with their conversation. Don’t try to work in your current interest. Stick to their conversation.

But hey, that’s easy to learn, right? Just take a little time before speaking. Listen. Try to understand what they’re talking about. Not just what they’re saying, but what they mean.

We Aspies get a little starved for attention sometimes and that can make us talk too much, too loud, too soon. But it’s easy enough to get over those habits.

I know myself, I have to be careful not to dive hell bent for leather into a topic, completely overwhelming and boring the people who were kind enough to invite me into the group.

And anyway, not every group wants another member. They may be having a private conversation. They may believe they have nothing in common with you, and therefore, not see any point in trying to make friends. Maybe they are happy just as they are. Then you need to find someone else to talk with.

Remember, your focus can be a very good thing, even if others don’t want to share in it. It’s similar to the single-mindedness that made Taylor Swift a star and Bill Gates a computer mogul.

Try to listen first. Take a minute or two to find out what the group and the conversation is about. And when you do speak, smile, keep a neutral tone, and above all, be brief!

And please note–Aspies aren’t the only people in the world who have trouble making and keeping friends. Lots of people do!

Yours truly,

Margaret Jean

Tagged Asperger's, Aspie Teens & friends, autism, bullying, Friends, friendship, relationships, social skills, troubled teens.

Feb 07 2012

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Uncategorized

Rap Tune About Bullying Comes To Surprising Conclusion.

Hi! This blog site is to talk about current issues associated with my book, UNFORGIVING, the Memoir of an Asperger Teen. The book is set in the 1960’s and relives the summer I won a part in a National Film Board short.

How does it feel to go from every day rural life to the glamour of being chauffered to and from work every day? How does one differentiate between past abusive and present normal relationships? Where do I turn for help?

Since bullying is always an issue with Asperger kids, a good way to start this blog is with this video about bullying.

Don’t be put off by the initial verses. The rapper comes around to an excellent solution for kids who are being bullied.

I hope you enjoy this work…Where do kids like me go? http://youtu.be/CCjQCpN48b4

v @MicheleBorba @bullybust @MarjieKnudsen #bullying #youth #cyberbullying

Tagged Asperger's, bullying, glamour, memoir, national film board, relationships, rural life, troubled teens.

Margaret Jean

Just another WordPress.com site

Tag Archives: relationships

Aspies: Flat Aspect–is this the Botox Experience?

When I read Carla Ciccone’s article in the September 7th edition of the Vancouver Sun, my first thought was welcome to an Aspie’s world, Carla!

When she had a Botox treatment to alleviate some of the wrinkles in her forehead, she lost the ability to express her feelings facially; something I immediately saw as the equivalent of an Aspie’s ‘flat aspect’.

Ciccone writes that she was proud of her ‘bitch’ face. The one with frown lines between dark brows and eyes that narrowed aggressively to a “hawk-like gaze”, a look which she used to express feelings ranging from confusion to rage.

She wanted people to know when she was angry. And she conveyed that emotion through facial expression.

But after her Botox treatment, “I was feeling a frown on the inside but my face reflected…serenity.”

Could our Aspies’ ‘flat aspect’, or lack of facial mobility, be the equivalent of having frequent Botox treatments?

As an Aspie, I often have strong emotions that I do not express, either verbally or facially.

I let the moment pass and try to sort out how I’m feeling and why. Is it normal to have this feeling? How can I express my emotional reaction without being offensive? Sometimes it may take days for me to figure this out.

In the meantime, those around me have no idea that I’m upset. The only emotional barometer they have is linked to my speech patterns.

I become more quiet than usual; contribute less to the conversation. I have a less animated reaction to conversations–which is hard to detect as speaking in flat tones can often be my normal.

It occurs to me that if I follow Ciccone’s example and learn facial expressions to convey what I’m feeling, it will be easier for people to understand what’s going on with me in the moment, instead of hours or days later.

This could be integral to successful socializing and a crucial component of being in a meaningful relationship.

Ciccone also writes: Since nothing that I was going through in my inner world was visible externally, I began to feel a little bit dead inside.

How about it, Aspies? Is this true for us, too? Is ‘flat aspect’ or the lack of facial expression of emotion, a reason we sometimes find ourselves on the periphery of social life? And do we need to change that?

However, having said that, there are obvious benefits to being an aspie with ‘flat aspect’. As well as being inscrutable, look how much we can save on Botox treatments!!

If you’ve read my book, Unforgiving, Memoir of an Asperger Teen, you know that I once aspired to become an actress. Nowadays that aspiration has been downsized to being part of an audience.

But, hey, wouldn’t it be great to see a film that’s not only about people with Autism but which also features actors living on the spectrum in the leading roles?

Here’s your opportunity! Keep the Change is currently being screened in the Jewish Film Festival in Vancouver, BC.

It’s true that it’s too late for the November 2nd screening but how about showing up on November 12th? Maybe I’ll see you there!

Yours truly,

Margaret Jean.

A New York romantic comedy pairing a Jewish couple with autism played in fact by actors on the spectrum. Columbia MFA alumni Rachel Israel’s labour of love is a tour-de-force story about the high-functioning judgmental David and the outgoing Sarah.

From their meet-cute at a Jewish Community Centre program, the pair shares abundant chemistry and surmounts concrete obstacles. The lovers demolish assumptions of otherness, of living with learning disabilities and autism, while propelling a universal and touching story.

Rap Tune About Bullying Comes To Surprising Conclusion.

Just another WordPress.com site

Tag Archives: relationships

Research published online on May 19, 2017 examines the notion that Aspies and others on the spectrum camouflage their autistic personalities in order to manage social situations.

The study entitled, “Putting on My Best Normal”: Social Camouflaging in Adults with Autism Spectrum Conditions* looks at a number of issues ranging from:

why females in particular are often diagnosed later in life,

if the fact that so few females are diagnosed is due to the feminine personality being more successful at camouflaging, and

that perhaps camouflaging can be detrimental to our mental health.

Before I read the study, I wrote this blog in an explosive mood after experiencing severe anxieties about taking a bath. I didn’t post it because I was afraid of what my partner would think if he read it.

After what I read in the study, I realized that by not showing him the blog I was camouflaging, masking my anxiety–though honestly, not very well.

Why did I take a bath? Because it’s such a normal thing to do, and I felt that I must be weird to be so resistant to sitting in a tub.

What follows in the resulting blog are my true feelings about the situation. Looking at it now that a little time has passed, I realize that while some of the blog sounds reasonable, logical and fairly intelligent, other aspects simply seem to be the rantings of an angry child.

Here it is then, one Asperger personality, my own, unmasked and unleashed!

The Bath: A Source of Anxiety for Asperger Me.

As an Aspie, maintaining a relationship can be a challenge.

My partner thinks of baths as sensual, delightful, peaceful and meditative experiences. Candles, essential oils, music, time for reflection.

There is no music in my bathroom, I told him.

To break the ensuing period of uncomfortable silence, I spoke up. I said Baths are boring. Which, granted, was probably rather inconsiderate. That’s when he brought up the essential oils, candlelight, reflection etc.

You have to sit there. I said. Doing nothing.

People who take baths seem to think that to truly enjoy bathing you have to sit in the water … like forever. I am not tall, but my chest is always out of the water. It gets cold. I soak a cloth in the warm bath water, but it quickly gets cold too.

I could catch a chest cold. Not to mention the other alternative: die of boredom.

You haven’t learned how to let go, he says. How to be one with the water, breathe in the aroma of the oil, enjoy the sensual texture of the water against your skin.

It’s tap water, okay? Tap water.

But a four-foot tub filled with tap water? Come on!

You have to learn to relax, he says. He means be STILL. Unfortunately to actually be still is a physical impossibility for me.

I have a familial tremor, which means my body is in constant motion whether I am consciously moving it or not. It also means my adrenalin is always, to some extent in fight or flight mode, under which circumstances, unless I’m sleeping or comatose, it is pretty much anxiety-producing to be still.

But okay. I had a bath. I believe I stayed in that tub for ten whole minutes. Maybe eleven.

Next time? If he brings in a portable CD player and puts on some Celtic music, I’m going for twelve minutes.

*More about this study can be found at: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5509825/

Share this:

Like this:

When making new friendships it is important to be seen and to see others in context.

Consider how you wish to be seen. Is it sitting alone in Starbucks? Probably not.

A richer context for making connections is likely to exist in areas where you are fully engaged: when you are at the community centre doing volunteer work or at college taking classes or in your town, taking a tour of the art gallery, a historic part of town, or of the local flora and fauna.

People you meet while working in a community garden or volunteering at your local wildlife refuge or animal shelter are likely to be interesting, active and involved people who may make excellent friends.

The same could be true of those people you’d meet as a regular participant in a church group or continuing education classes or neighborhood events.

People need to know who you are and what is important to you and being alone in Starbucks may imply a story of vulnerability, isolation and aloofness.

I am guessing that is not what you want to convey; not what you are about!

Seeing others in context is equally important. If you do not meet someone in the course of a group activity, you may be missing several important clues about them: how well do they relate to others? Are they compassionate? Funny? Kind? Critical? Irritating?

Is their outlook mostly negative? Or is it mainly positive? Are they friendly and welcoming? Are they impatient with others who may have difficulty understanding instructions or performing certain tasks?

These questions can more easily be answered within the context of a social gathering. When we are always alone there are fewer clues about who we are.

Explore your interests and your options to find a social context—a club, committee or group of real live people that you can join.

By giving yourself a social context which honestly conveys what you value to others, you increase the reliability of their estimation of who you are and of interests you may have in common.

Share this:

Like this:

When I read Carla Ciccone’s article in the September 7th edition of the Vancouver Sun, my first thought was welcome to an Aspie’s world, Carla!

When she had a Botox treatment to alleviate some of the wrinkles in her forehead, she lost the ability to express her feelings facially; something I immediately saw as the equivalent of an Aspie’s ‘flat aspect’.

Ciccone writes that she was proud of her ‘bitch’ face. The one with frown lines between dark brows and eyes that narrowed aggressively to a “hawk-like gaze”, a look which she used to express feelings ranging from confusion to rage.

She wanted people to know when she was angry. And she conveyed that emotion through facial expression.

But after her Botox treatment, “I was feeling a frown on the inside but my face reflected…serenity.”

Could our Aspies’ ‘flat aspect’, or lack of facial mobility, be the equivalent of having frequent Botox treatments?

As an Aspie, I often have strong emotions that I do not express, either verbally or facially.

I let the moment pass and try to sort out how I’m feeling and why. Is it normal to have this feeling? How can I express my emotional reaction without being offensive? Sometimes it may take days for me to figure this out.

In the meantime, those around me have no idea that I’m upset. The only emotional barometer they have is linked to my speech patterns.

I become more quiet than usual; contribute less to the conversation. I have a less animated reaction to conversations–which is hard to detect as speaking in flat tones can often be my normal.

It occurs to me that if I follow Ciccone’s example and learn facial expressions to convey what I’m feeling, it will be easier for people to understand what’s going on with me in the moment, instead of hours or days later.

This could be integral to successful socializing and a crucial component of being in a meaningful relationship.

Ciccone also writes: Since nothing that I was going through in my inner world was visible externally, I began to feel a little bit dead inside.

How about it, Aspies? Is this true for us, too? Is ‘flat aspect’ or the lack of facial expression of emotion, a reason we sometimes find ourselves on the periphery of social life? And do we need to change that?

However, having said that, there are obvious benefits to being an aspie with ‘flat aspect’. As well as being inscrutable, look how much we can save on Botox treatments!!

Share this:

Like this:

If you’ve read my book, Unforgiving, Memoir of an Asperger Teen, you know that I once aspired to become an actress. Nowadays that aspiration has been downsized to being part of an audience.

But, hey, wouldn’t it be great to see a film that’s not only about people with Autism but which also features actors living on the spectrum in the leading roles?

Here’s your opportunity! Keep the Change is currently being screened in the Jewish Film Festival in Vancouver, BC.

It’s true that it’s too late for the November 2nd screening but how about showing up on November 12th? Maybe I’ll see you there!

Yours truly,

Margaret Jean.

A New York romantic comedy pairing a Jewish couple with autism played in fact by actors on the spectrum. Columbia MFA alumni Rachel Israel’s labour of love is a tour-de-force story about the high-functioning judgmental David and the outgoing Sarah.

From their meet-cute at a Jewish Community Centre program, the pair shares abundant chemistry and surmounts concrete obstacles. The lovers demolish assumptions of otherness, of living with learning disabilities and autism, while propelling a universal and touching story.

Share this:

Like this:

Recently, while reading a Sydney Holmes’ article, one sentence really struck home: I don’t know what it feels like to be relaxed.

A few days ago when my partner and my son-in-law were comparing notes on what it’s like to be in a relationship with an Aspie, a story about a bath experience triggered instant recognition and laughter.

The story is this: A bath was lovingly prepared by the non Aspie partner. He ran the water, perfumed it with beautifully scented oils, and placed candles all around the tub.

“Just relax in the tub while I make dinner,” the spouse said with a loving smile, fully anticipating that his Aspie love would be soaking for at least an hour.

“Six minutes later, she’s back in the kitchen!”

Personally, I cannot imagine being in the bath for more than ten minutes. What do you DO in a bathtub for more than ten minutes? In my experience you feel the water getting colder and your skin wrinkling like a prune. What’s to enjoy?

My Aspie daughter and I share many similar traits which help us comprehend how we differ from much of the rest of society. But our spouses don’t have the same advantage and thus can find understanding our thought processes quite a chore.

It takes a lot of love and understanding to recognize our rationale sometimes. The great news is that it does seem we’re worth it!

Recently I came across several books on Aspie and non-Aspie relationships. My preview of them indicates they could all be both interesting and helpful:

**After what I read in the study, I realized that by not showing him the blog I was camouflaging, masking my anxiety–though honestly, not very well.**