Author Archives: Margaret Jean

Dec 13 2012
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Autism Spectrum, behaviours, sexual abuse survivors, UNFORGIVING, Writing

Review: “Unforgiving: Memoir of an Asperger Teen”.

Recently at the Surrey International Writer’s Conference, I had the privilege of spending some quality time with a writer who has greatly influenced the development of my writing.

Vanessa Grant writes romance novels, but the concepts she talked about years ago at a VPL event helped me in developing every relationship in my book.

I am proud to call her a friend as well as a mentor.  Here is the review she posted after reading my memoir: Unforgiving.

Published by Vanessa Grant on

Write it forward – the best gift

 November 12, 2012 | 3 Responses

Last month when I met Margaret Jean Adam at the Surrey International Writer’s Conference (SIWC), I had no idea that she was going to give me a treasure.  When I first spotted her, she was standing behind the BC Federation of Writers’ booth at the conference. We chatted for a few minutes before she mentioned that she’d attended a workshop I gave a few years ago.

“I learned something very important from you,” she said suddenly. “You taught me that characters must experience personal growth from their relationships.”

I learned most of what I know about writing from other authors – either reading their books, or listening to them speak about writing. I love talking about storytelling, and giving the occasional workshop, so it’s a pleasure to learn that I passed on something useful, a truth I didn’t fully learn until I’d written a several books.

The next day she gave me an autographed copy of her most recent memoir: M. J. Adam’s Unforgiving – the Memoir of an Asperger Teen

I’ve  just finished reading Unforgiving, and I can tell you, M. J. Adam is one hell of a writer.

Unforgiving – the Memoir of an Asperger Teen is one of the most beautiful books I have ever read.

M. J. Adam has crafted an inspiring book, a definite must-read for anyone who has, knows, is, or was an Asperger’s teen.

I highly recommend it for anyone who cares about child survivors of any kind of trauma, and for teens struggling to understand themselves and the world they live in.

I cried when I read this memoir. I laughed. I cheered Margaret Jean’s indomitable inner strength, and felt honoured that she had shared herself so deeply with this reader.

I like to think that I write good books, and I hope they give pleasure to my readers. M. J. Adam has done something more – she’s written a great book about life and relationships and coming of age.

Unforgiving is a rare treasure.

The events that happened to Margaret Jean should never happen to any child. Yet they did happen, and the miracle is that each page of Margaret Jean’s memoir rings with love, the amazing power of healing, and the spirit of survival.

I’ve learned something important from you, M. J. Adam.

Thank you

Vanessa

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Nov 22 2012
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Autism Spectrum, behaviours

For Aspies: Friendship and The Science Behind It.

This week I will pass on a blurb from the BC Autism Society about Anna’s upcoming talk this Monday, Nov 26.

This Coming Monday: Richmond ASBC Parents Group Meeting:
“The Art of Friendship and the Science Behind It”

by Anna Matchneva, M.Ed., BCBA, PEERS-Certified instructor

Anna has extensive experience in providing hands-on therapy for children
with ASD, conducting functional assessment and developing behavior support
plans, training and supervising intervention team staff, conducting skill
assessment and developing programs that address each child’s unique needs,
developing and facilitating play and social groups, and conducting parent
and professional workshops.

Anna is a PEERS-Certified instructor, under Dr Elizabeth Laugeson from UCLA.

TOPIC:
“The Art of Friendship and the Science Behind It”

Is your child having trouble making and keeping friends? Friendships are
important in helping children develop emotionally and socially. In
interacting with friends, children learn important social skills, such as
how to communicate, cooperate, and solve problems. Some children, however,
have difficulty forming friendships. The solution: teach your children
specific social skills they need to connect with their peers. As parent, you
are the best person to help your child solve friendship problems by
expanding their peer network and working together to promote successful
get-togethers.

PEERS (Program for the Evaluation and Enrichment of Relational Skills) is a
parent-assisted intervention focusing on teens in middle school and high
school who are having difficulty making or keeping friends. It is the
developmental extension of an evidence-based program known as Children’s
Friendship Training (Frankel & Myatt, 2003). PEERS has been field tested
most extensively on teens with autism spectrum disorders (ASDs), to a
limited extent on teens with developmental disabilities and fetal alcohol
spectrum disorders (FASDs), and has recently undergone testing with teens
with attention-deficit-hyperactivity disorder (ADHD).

Date: Monday, Nov 26, 2012
Time: 7-9pm
Location: Tyee room at Steveston Community Centre – 4111 Moncton Street,
Richmond

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Oct 21 2012
4 Comments
Autism Spectrum, behaviours, pedophiles, sexual abuse, UNFORGIVING

Asperger’s at the Surrey International Writers’ Conference (SIWC)

This weekend the SIWC takes over the Sheraton Guildford, with hundreds of writers, including Asperger me, swarming the premises.  A volunteer at the Federation of BC Writers’ table, I took the opportunity to promote my book, Unforgiving, the Memoir of an Asperger Teen.  

People were frank in expressing their curiosity about Asperger’s and I was delighted to be able to clarify about and advocate for Asperger’s and Autism.

Many people have heard about Asperger’s but aren’t sure what the term implies.  Not only did people want to know what behavioural anomalies were associated with Asperger’s, but also what that might look like in a person’s life.

I explained that Asperger’s kids generally are very honest, almost unable to lie.  Deceit and manipulation are usually beyond them.  They also go largely by spoken word, and are unable to pick up on tonal variations (sarcasm, innuendo) and facial expression.

This makes these children extremely vulnerable to bullying.

At the very least, Asperger’s kids are often socially challenged, not learning how to respond to others by observing others in a social setting.  They mostly need to be taught, step by step, with the how and why of each type of social encounter.  Even then, the child may get it wrong, either because of mistaking the type of social interaction he is responding to, or because of feeling “safe” in the situation having passed the first few minutes in acceptance, and then getting it wrong beyond that point.

In my book, Unforgiving,  I show some of the blunders I made, some of the vulnerability that comes from being unable to communicate in an appropriate way both with adults and peers.  Having Asperger’s can make one a target for bullying, for pedophiles, for all sorts of difficult situations.

Keeping the lines of communication open, and understanding the syndrome is crucial to keeping your Asperger’s child safe.

I was glad for the chance to talk to people at the SIWC about Asperger’s.  Hopefully, it will make a difference, however small, in someone’s life.

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Sep 20 2012
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writing on the Spectrum

Is It Asperger’s? Or Just Me?

Seahawks Wrest Victory From Dallas Cowboys

Last Sunday was my birthday.  No, I’m not going to tell you what birthday, but it was a significant birthday.

My husband gave me the option to plan the big day.  So I did.  So Happens my birthday fell on a Sunday.

All weekend my husband was telling people, “my wife is the kind of wife other men dream about.”

So what did I plan?  A weekend in a love nest hotel?  A weekend cruise?  A Las Vegas getaway?

Not me.

Just so happens the Seattle Seahawks were playing the Dallas Cowboys that day, and I bought two tickets.  He’s a big fan.  But so am I.

I love every aspect of the game; the downs, the penalties, the passing, the missed hits, the perfect throws, the blocking, tackling, kick-offs and runbacks.

And I married the man who can explain it all, who can call the plays and explain the flags, and who understands all the nuances of the game.

Watching the Seahawks demolish Romo’s team while the fans screamed and the crowds roared made my birthday.

I’m not sure if our seats were in what my husband refers to as the “nosebleed” section, but when the paratroopers sailed over the rim of the stadium roof, we could see the whites of their eyes.

We were there, and what a thrill!  Now I ask you, is my love for football a symptom of Asperger’s?  Or is it Just Me Being Me?

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Sep 18 2012
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writing on the Spectrum

“Unforgiving” A Review From An Asperger Point of View.

This review of my book, “Unforgiving” was emailed to me from Tara, a counsellor who worked for seven years with people from diverse backgrounds with different issues and challenges.  She is now a life coach in Red Deer, Alberta.

 I love how you somehow managed to bring a lightness to some very heavy topics.

When I say “lightness” I mean that you have found a way to talk about Asperger’s, sexual abuse, and even infidelity in a way that isn’t too overwhelming or emotional to the reader. At times I felt torn because I was enjoying your story and feeling connected to Margaret’s journey but then having to remind myself that the pain and turmoil was real.

I love how you bring the reader into your world and provide a very real and honest account of how a young girl experiences sexual abuse.

Asperger’s or not, how you captured Margaret’s thoughts and feelings are bang on. Not only in the pain and confusion but also in the reactions of family. So many kids could avoid re-victimization if family listened and believed their children.

You also provided a very real account of how someone with Asperger’s operates in the world, in terms of being left out, often misunderstood, and not being able to pick up the social cues that serves to engage and protect people.

The book shows how victims of sexual abuse naturally become sexualized which then acts like a magnet to bring in more sexual predators.

When I started reading this book I couldn’t stop. I found myself trying to hurry through my responsibilities of the day so I could get back to see what was next for Margaret Jean. Like you said, I was done in 2 days.

Thank-you so much for sharing your story with me, I am truly honoured.

Tara

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Jul 15 2012
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child abuse, child predators, pedophiles, sexual abuse

Who’s Guilty At Penn State?

“Our most saddening and sobering finding is the total disregard for the safety and welfare of Sandusky’s child victims by the most senior leaders at Penn State,” Louis Freeh report.

Louis Freeh’s report on the Sandusky investigation brings to light yet again a truth as old as communal living:  those in positions of power attach to that power and will rarely risk losing it, regardless of who or what is at stake.

We have seen this over and over again, most recently in the Catholic Church in Ireland, where bishops and others covered up for priests abusing young boys.  We see it in schools, where predators like Harold Banks who molested over 100 children and diarized his deeds, was not fired but transferred from school to school until he was finally charged and convicted.

People in hierarchical power,  whether it’s in a religious, political or educational institution, tend to protect that power at the cost of all else.  Marx recognized this principle when he said that laws were created solely to maintain the power and position of the upper classes.

Paterno and his bunch, like the hierarchy of the  Catholic Church, and many private and public schools, claim they denied the victim and allowed the predator free rein in order to protect to the reputation of the institution that empowers them.

Think about that.  They allow predators free rein within their institution to protect the reputation of the institution?  I say no.

I say the real reason prominent people are willing to let helpless children be victimized is because they don’t want to lose the salary cap, the social position, the title that now precedes their name, the lifestyle they have finally achieved.

Any excuse is good enough to desist from risking that position.   That’s why they are easily convinced to keep quiet; to not step up and speak out and put a halt to acts that corrupt their programs and institutions at the deepest level.

The reputation of their institution is an excuse, not a reason, and any excuse is sufficient to convince these people to protect the privileged lifestyle they enjoy.  To do so, they must at some level, accept the social disenfranchisement of the children who are suffering.  They must accept the fact that the perpetrator knows that no-one in his social circle is ever going to do anything about it–that for all intents and purposes?  He operates with their approval.  With impunity.

Let’s take the kid gloves off and tell it like it is.  Sandusky’s a predator.  But he’s not the only guilty one at Penn State.

Yours truly,

Margaret Jean.

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Jul 10 2012
2 Comments
Autism Spectrum

Be Sociable–Pass The Baton!

The house was buzzing with conversation, so I knew everyone was chatting sociably. Being an Aspie I noticed when the buzz died down to just two voices.

Two people, fine, loving and caring people, were forcefully discussing a subject.  Even though they were mostly in agreement, they completely obliterated the table talk.   As an Aspie, I am always trying to learn from social situations, so I asked myself, how did they bring the pleasant social buzz to a dead halt?   Here is what I noticed.

  • They talked louder than necessary.

This prevented others from starting up conversations with anyone else.  It also made it easy for the eager talkers to “talk over” anyone attempting to join the conversation in normal tones.

  • They lectured, instead of conversing.

The difference is this:  when conversing, a person makes a statement and adds something to it, but then they raise a question or ask an opinion of someone else–and then listen to attentively to the response.  Two or three sentences with a question or just a plain stop, allows someone else to take up the conversation.

And what I realized?   Conversation’s like a relay–it’s not my job to carry the torch all the way to the finish line.  It’s my job to be the first to pass it on.

  • They used the social event to show how much they knew.

Whether or not that was their intent?  It was the impression I got.  You see, I heard another person tentatively offer a statement, and while he paused a moment to consider how to continue, the other two jumped in and snatched the conversation back.  He never did get another chance to contribute.

And what this means to me?  Is that the conversation wasn’t sociable. It was a platform.  The two individuals were using the conversation to show how clever they were about a subject.

Both these people are great friends and good human beings.  And I realized that both were unaware of what was happening around them.

Socializing is an interaction with other people, their ideas, interests and events. But–if you’re the only one talking, you’re like a runner in a relay race, going round and round without passing the baton.

The race is over. Your team is disappointed in your performance.  They expected to be included, to participate in a meaningful way.  Now, they are going to walk away, dismayed and determined not to have you on their team again.

 Like the runner who never passed the baton, the conversationalist who doesn’t give others a chance to talk long enough to contribute in a meaningful way to the conversation, is not likely to be welcome again.

Being sociable is as easy as passing the conversational baton–two or three sentences, acknowledge others who wish to speak, and listen attentively when they do.

Looking back, I can’t help but wonder how often I’ve been guilty of the same faux pas.  I’m sure I’m guilty of doing this on countless occasions.  The trick is, now that I know better?  I can stop myself, and draw others into the conversation..or change the topic altogether.

We keep learning, right?  That’s what we’re here for.

Love you.

Margaret Jean.

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Jun 24 2012
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Autism Spectrum, behaviours

Charles Bernstein, Aspie’s Repetitive Behaviour, and An SFU Lecture.

  Preview

A New York poet, brilliant and lauded professor, was the guest speaker at an SFU event.  As an adult with Asperger’s, I watched in fascination as he delivered a talk about the future of literature in general, and poetics in particular in North American educational institutions.

These are the notes I made at his lecture:

Feet crossed under his chair, wriggling, prodding each other.

Hands arthritic, gripping, releasing each other and his forearms.

Body rocking, seat lifting off the chair.

Head pulling the body up, down, forward.

Foot tapping it’s mate.

Voice clips.  Eyebrows lift and fall.

Hands fist.  Foot taps.  Shoulders writhe.  Hands press his weight against the table edge.

A brilliant mind bouncing around inside the ageing cage of his body.

No notes on the body of the lecture.

This whole issue interests me, both as a person with Asperger’s and as a person observing what clearly seems to me to be another person with Autistic tendencies.

I was so intrigued by the motion of the man, I could not concentrate on the content of his message.  Does that ever happen to you?

Yours truly,

Margaret Jean.


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Jun 17 2012
1 Comment
Autism Spectrum, behaviours

Anna Matchneva: Friend To Aspie’s And Their Parents.

Thanks to Stella Hui and the BC Autism Society, some of us had a chance to hear Anna Matchneva speak last Friday about the PEER program in BC Schools.  While most of the parents were there trying to learn how to help their children with what some of the other students  consider ‘weird’ behaviour, I was there as a person with Asperger’s as well as a concerned parent and grandparent of children with Asperger’s.  It’s always an interesting perspective, and I’m often amused at the assumptions the workers make about us Aspies.

But with Anna Matchneva, it was different.  She had a good read on us, a lot of insights into how things work for us, and how they don’t work, and what we can do about it.

With Anna, teaching the child to independantly correct the situation through adjusted thinking and responses is the key to achieving success in peer relationships.

Some of the things she suggests for Children with Asperger’s to help them manoeuvre in social situations:

  • Recognize other people’s interests.  Let them talk, and be supportive.
  • Learn to recognize and support other people’s feelings.  Accept that they aren’t always the same as ours.
  • Learn positive thinking.  Positive thoughts lead to better feelings which lead to more comfortable behaviour.  In the situation where you became angry and frustrated, what could you do differently next time?
  • When conflict happens, do not dismiss or blame the other person.  Try instead to put yourself in their shoes.
  • When you have a guest, let them do what they want.  Do not try to choose activities for them, or force your interests on them.

And for parents of Aspies, try to help them develop age appropriate interests:  in music, in games, and other past times that children talk about at school.

Anna Matchneva is an amazing person.  She works with iStep Ahead Serices Inc .  You can read more about this program at: http://www.istepahead.com/

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Jun 04 2012
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writing on the Spectrum

Stephen Shore–Bridging the Gap

The great aspect of being an adult within the autism syndrome?  We get to talk about it, to write about it, to explain a bit about what we feel, and why we act as we do.

And I’ve just discovered a video by author and teacher Stephen Shore.  You can view it here:  http://www.autismsupportnetwork.com/news/video-interview-stephen-shore-autism-aspergers-220123452

Stephen Shore lives on the autism spectrum.  Like many others, he developed normally until 18 months of age when, as he put it, he got hit by the “Autism Bomb”.  Today he has a PhD and is an assistant professor of special education at Adelphi University.

Stephen’s books include:  Living Along the Autism Spectrum–What Does It Mean to Have Autism or Asperger’s Syndrome;  Understanding Autism for Dummies, and Beyond the Wall–Personal Experiences with Autism and Aspergers Syndrome.  His newest book is :  Ask and Tell: Self-Advocacy and Disclosure for People on the Autism Spectrum.

 

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