Margaret Jean
Asperger Me!
Tag Archives: Aspie Teens & friends
Aspies, Anxiety and Acts of Kindness
Do you believe that being kind could relieve anxiety? Researchers Jennifer Trew and Lynn Alden of the University of British Columbia might have suspected this was a possibility.
Recently the two did an experiment involving 115 socially anxious university students. The students were divided into three groups. Each group had a different directive.
The first group of students were required to perform 3 acts of kindness two days a week for four weeks.
The acts of kindness included activities like washing a room mate’s dishes, mowing a neighbour’s lawn and donating to charity.
The second group was required to insert themselves into a social situation (after taking several deep breaths to calm them down). These insertions could include actions like asking a stranger for the time, or asking someone to lunch.
The third group? Was asked to journal about personal events.
At the end of the study, the researchers concluded that people in the first group had less instances of avoiding social interaction due to fear of rejection.
This makes sense to me, since asking someone to lunch, someone you don’t know very well seems somewhat risky in terms of the possibility of being rejected, whereas asking your room mate if she’d like you to do her dishes? Is hardly a thing anyone would say ‘no’ to. And the room mate is likely to look more favorably on you after you’ve cleaned up her scullery debris, whereas the person you asked to lunch? Might be avoiding you so they don’t have to let you down again.
So, Aspies, to improve your sense of social connectedness and ease your way into social situations, try an act of kindness. Why not?
Then you can work your way up to asking the recipients of your kindness out to lunch.
Autism/Asperger’s Quiz Answers! Yay!!
- c) Autism was described by Dr. Hans Asperger in 1944. Some sources say that a Russian doctor reported similar symptomology in 1926, but Asperger’s work is often recognized as the first definitive work on the subject. Because he was Austrian and published only in the German language around the time of WWII his work was not immediately recognized. In 1984 a Brit, Dr. Lorna Wing introduced the term “Asperger’s Syndrome” in a research paper.
- d) The syndrome was added to the DSM-IV in 1994.
- b) Dr. Hans Asperger. His birthday, February 18th, has been designated Asperger’s Day in some areas.
- b) Today, experts tend to see Asperger’s children as outside the autism spectrum, since the DSM-V states that children with autism exhibit delayed speech and more severe symptoms. Speech delay is sometimes seen is crucial for achieving access to funding for treatment under the autism spectrum umbrella.
- d) All of the above.
- True: Children with Asperger’s often have a fairly large vocabulary and talk a lot on one topic that interest them. In fact, according to Wikipedia’s account of Dr. Asperger’s childhood, it seems he was one of us. Apparently he loved the work of a particular poet and would often quote reams of poetry to uninterested companions.
- c) Flat aspect. Frozen masks come from Disney Studios.
- c) Neurotypical: This term is said to denote ‘normal’. I’m okay with that.
- d) All of the above.
- For me, here in the lower mainland, these are the societies: BC Autism Society; SOS BC Parent Driven Autism Services; BC Families with Autism. The links to these organizations are as follows:
Hope you enjoyed the Quiz!
Yours truly
Margaret Jean.
Asperger teens, Aspies and families, Aspies parenting, Aspies raising children, Aspies Socialization
Praise for Aspies–How Does That Work?
Being praised for being smart can unwittingly lead bright kids to a downward learning spiral.
So says Mary Loftus in an April 2013 Psychology Today article; Smooth Encounters.
Loftus suggests kids who are told they are bright may not put in as much effort, thinking things should come naturally to them.
This can lead to poor results which can make them doubt their ability.
Praise effort, Loftus suggests. Praising the work leading up to the brilliant report or impressive project is often more helpful for the child seeking reassurance. Praise persistence. Praise performance. Remind the child of obstacles overcome.
This kind of praise leads to intellectual and social success.
Try it!
Yours truly,
Margaret Jean.
Adult Aspies and Social situations, Aspies and social touching, Aspies in the Workplace., Aspies Socialization
To Touch or Not To Touch? An Aspie Dilemma.
Touch can strengthen relationships, show closeness, and increase co-operation. This applies to touching in “safe zones”.
So says Laura Guerrero in an April 2013 Psychology Today magazine article. Touch, Guerrero maintains, is important in developing social relationships.
As Aspies, we often don’t like to be touched. And we almost never feel comfortable touching others.
So, perhaps more than non-Aspies, we can understand the need to observe the other person’s reaction, of how they respond to your intention to touch.
Do they tense up? Pull away? Don’t touch.
Do they relax, seem open to touch? Keep to the safe zones.
Because touch is the first sense humans acquire, Guerrero maintains it is a key element in building relationships.
Staying within the safety zones, observing a person’s response to your intention to touch, these are key to successful touching.
Do not touch complete strangers, or people you hardly know. That is an unwelcome touch.
Safe zones are hands, shoulders and arms.
Examples of safe-zone touches? High fives. Hand shakes. Back slaps. Shoulder taps.
In the office? Let your manager, supervisor or boss initiate contact, Guerrero warns.
Keep your handshake firm. Not limp, not bone-crushing.
And when in doubt? Don’t touch.
Guerrero researches non-verbal communication at Arizona State University and is the author of the book, Close Encounters, Communication in Relationships.
Yours truly,
Margaret Jean.
Adult Aspies and Social situations, Aspies in the Workplace., Aspies Socialization, behaviours, UNFORGIVING
Aspies and Small Talk: Think Communication Bytes.
What is the main characteristic of small talk?
It’s SMALL. Bytes of conversation as opposed to megabytes or gigabytes.
Keeping it short and impersonal can be challenging when you’re longing to express thoughts and ideas you have harboured inside yourself for so long that they are bursting to come out. But you must manage your conversations, especially when you are first meeting someone.
Remember: Bytes. Little. Little bits of conversation.
When you are first introduced to someone? This is not the time to tell them about your fascination with engineering systems, national infrastructure or energetic reactions. Save those conversations for networking meetings or gatherings of people with similar interests.
Socially? Small talk is for when you first meet someone. It’s a time to establish a safe conversational zone for both you and the person who is the object of your conversation.
Topics? The weather. Recent outings or vacations. Current events. Popular movies.
If the other person takes you deeper into their personal life, political or religious persuasion, fine, let them go on.
But rein yourself in. Keep your conversation pleasant, interested and attentive. Excuse yourself politely if you feel you must escape them.
Please remember, Aspies–it’s called SMALL talk.
Yours Truly,
Margaret Jean.
Asperger Me
I was born with Asperger’s so I had markedly different ideas and behaviours from the average girl, and definitely from my mother and father.
In my book, Unforgiving, Memoir of an Asperger’s Teen, I talk a lot about the lack of relationship between myself and my parents. That sense of disconnection, the feeling that I was some sort of interloper.
At the time, in my teens, I thought Mom’s ideal daughter would have enjoyed sewing, crocheting, baking bread with her, and sharing her enthusiasm for Woman’s Day magazine. I was into classical music, movies like Lawrence of Arabia, poetry, Shakespeare and boys.
Was I right about Mom? I’m not so sure.
My mother’s house was always dusty, rather untidy. She went out to work, you see, when few mothers did, straining in the steaming heat of the Empress Laundry or cleaning low-rent motel rooms.
Once you’ve been out to work, you’ll never want to stay home again, she told me in a rare moment of mother-daughter confidence.
And of course the housework had to be done by someone. And as the eldest daughter by nearly eight years, naturally that lot fell to me and to my grandmother. I talk about that in Unforgiving, too. About how I just took these duties for granted.
What did Mom want? Just a daughter who didn’t talk so loud? Who didn’t speak out of turn? Who could get a job and keep it?
The truth is, I will never know. Relationships are complicated.
Deeper into my adulthood, Mom and I came a little closer. When she got Alzheimer’s? After Dad died she came to live with us.
Goodnight, Mom, she’d say as I tucked her into bed.
She had forgotten I was her daughter. All she knew was that I was someone who lovingly tucked her in at night.
Maybe that’s all we needed to know about each other.
Yours truly,
Margaret Jean
Adult Aspies and Social situations, Aspie Adventures, Aspies parenting, Aspies Socialization, Autism Spectrum, behaviours, John Robison
Aspies: Two Generations Can Have an Explosive Impact.
In a Psychology Today April 2013 article titled Father and Son, Aspies Alike author John Elder Robison describes the pitfalls of two generations under one roof having Aspergers.
His son, Jack, was fascinated by ‘energetic reactions’ in chemistry. This meant that he liked building experimental things that depended on explosive reactions. Things like rockets. Other chemical formulations that he set to explode in the field behind their house.
John Robison knew that his son Jack was uploading instructional videos of his experiments to You Tube. But it never occurred to him, as it might to some non-Aspie parents, that this might attract some undue attention.
In Jack’s case, it was the FBI FTA branch.
Jack was not charged with any offence and his brush with the law proved innocent enough.
But maybe it’s better when you’re seeking an outside opinion? To ask someone who isn’t an Aspie.
John Robison’s books include Raising Cubby, Be Different and Look Me In the Eye. His son, Jack, along with Jack’s friends Alex Plank, founder of You Tube’s Wrong Planet, have created a series of videos about Autism issues.
Yours truly,
Margaret Jean.
Small Talk: Three Tips For Aspies
Help!
I’m alone in a roomful of people–people I don’t know!
And I want to make a good impression. What do I do now?
In Unforgiving, Memoir of an Asperger Teen, I talk about the gaffs I made at a dinner especially arranged to introduce me to some theater people. I really wish I ‘d had Dr. Carducci’s book and Jeffrey’s videos back then! These two experts on small talk really know how to ace a social situation.
You’ve just listened to Jeffrey’s video. He’s a guy who’s given more than 3,000 presentations and met many people. His comfort level with strangers is very high. But even he says it takes practice.
Dr. Bernardo Carducci is head of The Shyness Institute at Indiana University South East, so he has a lot of research behind his book, The Pocket Guide to Making Successful Small Talk; How to Talk to Anyone, Anytime, Anywhere about Anything.
Like Dr. Bernardo Carducci, Jeffrey Benjamin says step up and introduce yourself to someone standing near you.
Don’t interrupt a conversation to do that. Just find someone who is standing alone and go for it.
This is called breaking the ice and while to an Aspie it can feel just as dangerous as falling into freezing water on the skating pond, practising this manoeuvre will make it less stressful each time.
Both experts say listen. Listening in this sense, means being able to repeat back key phrases of what the other person has just said.
Repeating back a brief summary or phrase tells the other person you truly are listening, not just waiting for a pause in the conversation so you can jump in with your favourite topic. Listening like this also keeps you on topic mentally.
Benjamin actually says Listen more, talk less. This is the best advice anyone can give, and probably the hardest for an Aspie to follow. Discipline yourself.
Benjamin’s last item? Be positive. Dragging negativity around is not only pointless? It’s also terribly boring. Bring a positive attitude to the party. After all, you got invited didn’t you?
Yours truly,
Margaret Jean.
Margaret Jean 