I’m alone in a roomful of people–people I don’t know!
And I want to make a good impression. What do I do now?
In Unforgiving, Memoir of an Asperger Teen, I talk about the gaffs I made at a dinner especially arranged to introduce me to some theater people. I really wish I ‘d had Dr. Carducci’s book and Jeffrey’s videos back then! These two experts on small talk really know how to ace a social situation.
You’ve just listened to Jeffrey’s video. He’s a guy who’s given more than 3,000 presentations and met many people. His comfort level with strangers is very high. But even he says it takes practice.
Dr. Bernardo Carducci is head of The Shyness Institute at Indiana University South East, so he has a lot of research behind his book,The Pocket Guide to Making Successful Small Talk; How to Talk to Anyone, Anytime, Anywhere about Anything.
Like Dr. Bernardo Carducci, Jeffrey Benjamin says step up and introduce yourself to someone standing near you.
Don’t interrupt a conversation to do that. Just find someone who is standing alone and go for it.
This is called breaking the ice and while to an Aspie it can feel just as dangerous as falling into freezing water on the skating pond, practising this manoeuvre will make it less stressful each time.
Both experts say listen. Listening in this sense, means being able to repeat back key phrases of what the other person has just said.
Repeating back a brief summary or phrase tells the other person you truly are listening, not just waiting for a pause in the conversation so you can jump in with your favourite topic. Listening like this also keeps you on topic mentally.
Benjamin actually says Listen more, talk less. This is the best advice anyone can give, and probably the hardest for an Aspie to follow. Discipline yourself.
Benjamin’s last item? Be positive. Dragging negativity around is not only pointless? It’s also terribly boring. Bring a positive attitude to the party. After all, you got invited didn’t you?
Why perfect the art of small talk? The ability to to communicate socially on what may seem to Aspies to be the art of meaningless chit chat?
Two reasons:
First, for your physical health. That’s right! Dr. Dean Ornish cardiologist and author of Reversing Heart Disease says this:
“being able to initiate and maintain relationships is integral to heart health.”
He goes on to explain: “being able to interact meaningfully in a reciprocal relationship with another human being relieves stress and the feelings of loneliness and isolation.”
Isolated? In my book, Unforgiving, Memoir of an Asperger Teen, I show how I felt that way a lot, and how damaging it was to me socially to be unable to connect with my peer group as well as my parents and elders. As Aspies, I’m sure we all know what those feelings are like.
And the second reason to learn small talk? Because it’s the key that opens the door to successful social relationships. It seems meaningless, but on the contrary: it’s important!
Small talk is the way people conversationally explore their comfort zone with the other person.
It’s where you and the other person communicate briefly about the world you both live in before deciding if it’s desirable or even safe to go into further fields of conversation.
Initially? Keep it small, keep it light, and get connected. Ultimately, small talk is good for the heart and good for your mental and emotional health.
I blew a conversation today. You’d think at my age, I have it all figured out by now. But I don’t.
I was in Starbucks waiting for my latte when a woman remarked that she liked my scarf. I don’t wear them, she said, but that looks really good on you.
Thank you, I said.
So far, so good. My latte came and I went over to the counter where they have the nutmeg, lids and other goodies. The woman happened to be just putting the lid on her drink.
If you decide to get one for some one else, I said, and proceeded to tell her, in boring detail where the shop was, the name of the shop, how close it is to Super Store and how very inexpensive the scarves are there.
The one person I know who wears scarves, has lots, she said, and quickly left the store.
I do know how to handle a compliment. I have told myself about a hundred times. On the way out to the car, I reminded myself again:
If someone compliments you on something? Just say thank you. Leave it at that.
Unless they go on to ask you about the item. Then, you can say one something about it. Just two or three sentences at most.
The idea is to intrigue people into conversations. Not trap them.
Ever feel like you’re drowning in a social situation? Like if you don’t get to be alone in five minutes or less you won’t be able to breathe?
I’d spent a wonderful day with a friend. We’d done the shops and lunch and it was all good. When she dropped me off at home, I invited her in to see our apartment thinking, of course, that she would then leave. That’s an Aspie for you.
Instead, she and my husband, Cash, struck up a conversation. They had no idea that I was done.
To my dismay, Cash did what I, as hostess, should have done–offered her coffee. I quickly put the coffee on, even thought it meant she would stay longer than I felt I could manage. I worked hard at not showing my disappointment as I brought in the steaming mugs.
Then my husband said the kids wanted to get together the next day for Father’s Day. “Oh, what did they have in mind?” I asked,visions of them taking him off somewhere for the day dancing in my head.
“They’re coming here,” he said.
I’m an Aspie, so caught off guard, no filters, right? I blurted out, “Oh no!” It was already 5 p.m. and we were having people for dinner tomorrow? The bathrooms needed cleaning. Dinner for six planned and prepared.
“Just coffee and dessert is fine,” he said, his face falling at my attitude. My guest was shocked at my ungracious response.
To change the subject, Cash talked about the trip we were planning to the southern US to visit relatives. My friend had an inspiration: “A road trip with George and I!” she exclaimed. “Wouldn’t that be fun! We could take two or three weeks…” She and my husband elaborated enthusiastically about the vacation.
In my present state, I was now forced to imagine three weeks in a compact car with three other people. In a very warm climate.
Mind and body immediately responded with all the symptoms of intense claustrophobia.
However, I managed to breathe more or less normally while smiling and nodding in some of the right places. I did not want to hurt my friend’s feelings. She is a lovely person.
My friend left at 6:20 p.m.
At 3 a.m. I woke thinking about the day. I had enjoyed being out with my friend. But, I realized I needed to make my expectations clear when we set out—tell her that when we came back I’d be bringing her in to see the suite, but then I had things to do. And I should have reinforced that just before leaving the restaurant.
As for the kids coming over—I always enjoy them, but I like to have lots of good food ready, and I didn’t know if I’d have time to do that, and so I reacted badly.
Cash was up by then, too, and after talking things over, we decided to take a chicken out of the freezer. He roasts a great chicken, and he’d be happy to do so. I would go to the store and buy his favorite lemon cake and strawberries for dessert after making the apartment presentable.
We hugged after finding our happy solution, and went back to bed.
We had a great afternoon. Not a speck of chicken was left.
As for the trip? Well, that has four months to die a natural death.
Margaret Jean 