Asperger’s communication problems

Feb 01 2022

Adult Aspies and Social situations, An Asperger Point of View, Asperger's research, writing on the Spectrum

Viewing Asperger’s through a Different Window.

John Elder Robison, who has Asperger’s, writes prolifically on Autism. He volunteered to undergo an experimental treatment which involved being subjected to magnetic stimulation of targeted areas of his brain.

There have been extensive studies on Asperger’s by neurophysiologists during the past 30 – 40 years. During the past 15 – 20 years, the emphasis has been upon the difference in utilization of the Cerebral cortex and the Amygdala aspect of the Cerebellum between neurotypicals and those on the Autism Spectrum.

These studies reveal how information with an emotional content, especially when personally conveyed, is largely processed in the Cerebral cortex by those with Asperger’s rather than in the Amygdala where it is processed by neurotypicals.

The result is those of us on the autism spectrum process information with emotional content logically, rather than emotionally.

However, the richer the contextual content associated with the information, the greater the ability of Aspies to ‘understand’, even if they cannot ‘directly experience’ the emotion being expressed.

In the experimental treatment in which Robison participated, he didn’t immediately notice any difference.

But the next day, when he interacted with others, he was unexpectedly overwhelmed by an almost ‘psychic’ awareness of their emotions.

He was assailed by emotions of “jealousy, fear, anger and every bad thing I could imagine” (Neale). It was an unexpected torrent of emotions which he experienced as shocking and distressing.

This situation, one of being admitted to an emotional landscape which is usually unavailable, puts me in mind of Virginia Woolf’s comment in A Room of One’s Own about patriarchal rules in Oxbridge. At the library, she was refused entrance because of being a woman.

In social situations, as a person with autism syndrome, I feel as Woolf did “…how unpleasant it is to be locked out;” (18).

But when I am composing a poem like Exonerating Eve which expresses such a divergent but powerful viewpoint, then, like Woolf, I cannot help but ponder the alternative, as she did when she added, “… and I thought how it is worse perhaps to be locked in;” (18).

Aspies, such as myself, come to realize early in our lives that we are somehow ‘locked out’. We learn to accept this and to make social inroads where we may.

But Robison’s experience indicates that our lack of social/emotional understanding is a ‘locking out’ that is at least in some respects beneficial, allowing us to experience the world in a way that, while ingenuous, is also unique and insightful.

And thus I present my poem:

EXONERATING EVE

I know why Eve ate the apple

Picked and tasted forbidden fruit.

Locked in her Eden she hungered for more,

wanted proof that her life would not

always be just wandering the garden

A helpmate to Adam, a servant to God.

In her heart she yearned for more than the beauty,

More than the silence. More than obedience.

Something within called her to challenge

The ‘perfection’ of a life established by God.

Accepted by Man.

Did The Creator witness her anguish?

Did He inspire her desire for more?

Gifting free will to all of humanity

Did He await our wakening thrill?

Did He seek a braver companion

Than one who obeyed without question or zeal?

Was He astounded when it was the woman

The feminine one who plucked and then peeled

The Fruit that triggered a flood

of passion and reason,

Wherein she shrugged off obedience

and now saw her truth?

Newly aware, she sees in her nudity

All that is vulnerable and desirable to men.

Looking out at the garden she sees the reality,

thorns and thistles suddenly visible.

And within her, an awareness of a strong inner spirit,

God-given, to prepare her for the journey

that she now begins.

Eve ate the fruit to be free from the fallacy

That her life was perfect.

She dared to be more than that helpmate.

More than that servant.

To live in a garden that was an Eden no more.

A garden that now she perceives as a jungle.

A garden that asks her spirit to grow

A garden with pathways to be forged and then trodden

A life posing questions, needing answers,

Revealing wonders, unveiling horrors.

A life to be probed. A will to be tested.

Searching for truth, for reason and passion,

She reaches up, plucks The Fruit from the tree

And in that critical, wonderful moment,

Plunges mankind into uncertainty,

Drawing us all out of complacency.

Here in the midst of this pandemic

I understand a woman like Eve.

As I sit and reflect on the life I’ve created,

I challenge myself to find more of me.

To ask the hard questions, to reach for the truth.

To find in myself the courage to ask

The questions that, unanswered

leave me unproved.

To reach for the core, the richness of life

Face my own fears, grapple with and tame them.

While I have time. While I am here, locked in this life

Some would call Paradise.

Yes. I have come to know why Eve ate that apple.

M J Adam

Wednesday, July 28, 2021

4:53 AM

Tagged asperger traits, Asperger's communication problems

Apr 24 2017

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Adult Aspies and Social situations, Aspies in the Workplace., Aspies Socialization

Aspies: How to Make Your Point Politely.

“No!” I blurted out.

The professor and the other students in the class stared at me, appalled. In true Aspie style, I had directly expressed my complete and total disagreement with the lecturer’s statement.

Fortunately, that professor was open-minded and willing to listen to counter-statements, but in many classes that outburst would have netted me a failing mark for the semester. People in general, and especially those in positions of authority like professors and managers, supervisors and bosses often do not like to hear dissenting opinions.

As Aspies, while we need not ever remain silent when we have an opinion which we wish to express, it is important that we express it in a manner which is most likely to be effective.

Consider this: If your response is considered confrontational, it is likely that the listener will simply shut down and shut you out. Would it not be more advantageous to encourage the listener to engage in dialogue with you?

So what is the most effective way of NOT agreeing with someone’s statement, and at the same time putting forward your own questions about their position?

A friend of mine, when he was in university learned to say, “It seems to me…” This allowed him to advance his own opinion without either directly agreeing or disagreeing. The beauty of this opening is that it allows for the advancing of a personal point of view along with evidence that backs up that point of view, in a non-threatening fashion.

“It became a sort of a trademark of mine,” he said. “And it helped me navigate my way through some pretty touchy conversations.”

I have also heard of a very successful person who, when questioning practices in the workplace, would use lead-ins such as “I wonder…” and “I’ve noticed…”

This is a far less abrasive approach than exclaiming “No!”, or saying something like “Why do you do it that way?” or “Shouldn’t you …?” Both of which are considered excessively confrontational by non-Aspies. (Go figure!)

When you convey your position in a non-threatening fashion it allows the listener to ask to have it clarified, to assimilate it, consider it, and perhaps ultimately, even to change their position.

Score one for the Aspies!

Yours truly,

Margaret Jean.

Tagged Asperger's communication problems, Aspie Teens & friends, Non-confrontational discussion, social skills

Jan 10 2017

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Adult Aspies and Social situations, Aspies in the Workplace., Aspies Socialization

Aspies: Five Words That Can Create the Wrong Impression.

In my book, Unforgiving, Memoir of an Asperger’s Teen, I relate how I was often blasted for saying what I thought was expected of me!

Feelings of inadequacy don’t go away easily, so I’m always on the lookout for advice—especially advice related to conversing. Here according to leadership coach Lolly Daskal of Inc.com in New York City, are five words to avoid:

Won’t: When you say that something won’t work it conveys a defeatist attitude. Instead say something like, I have some concerns; let’s work through them.

Maybe: Saying maybe gives the impression of an inability or unwillingness to commit, (not good) and may signify a lack of intention or direction to your listener. A better approach, if you have reservations? I’d like to hear (or see) more details first.

Sorry: This is the perfect word if you have an apology to make. But if you’re asking for something? Sorry does not belong. Phrase your request without apology.

Just: When you say, I’m just concerned… you may sound tentative, even apologetic to the listener. You will come across as much stronger and more confident if you say, I’m concerned….

Usually: This is a word that not only lacks energy, but indicates resistance to change (not that we know anything about that, right Aspies? A friend bought me a charming new hat and was disappointed when I would not wear it. I told him Aspies need time to get used to new things. We need to have it around for awhile before we can deal with it emotionally. The same applies to ideas, changes in schedule, routine, proposed menu—you name it!) So, watch out for the word It will give us away in the twinkling of its four syllables. Instead, gather up your courage and say something like, Let’s give it a try. And mean it.

Aspies, I admire each and every one of you. Thank you so much for following my blog. I’d love to get your input on my posts, so don’t be shy about commenting!

Remember, just getting up each day and going through the motions is important. Even more important? Having a purpose. Read next week’s blog to learn more about that.

Yours truly,

Margaret Jean Adam.

This blog is from material published in January 9, 2017 Financial Post Column by Rick Spence, Free Advice to Live By.

Tagged Asperger's communication problems, Aspies conversational skills

Feb 24 2015

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Adult Aspies and Social situations, Aspies and social touching, Aspies in the Workplace., Aspies Socialization

To Touch or Not To Touch? An Aspie Dilemma.

Touch can strengthen relationships, show closeness, and increase co-operation. This applies to touching in “safe zones”.

So says Laura Guerrero in an April 2013 Psychology Today magazine article. Touch, Guerrero maintains, is important in developing social relationships.

As Aspies, we often don’t like to be touched. And we almost never feel comfortable touching others.

So, perhaps more than non-Aspies, we can understand the need to observe the other person’s reaction, of how they respond to your intention to touch.

Do they tense up? Pull away? Don’t touch.

Do they relax, seem open to touch? Keep to the safe zones.

Because touch is the first sense humans acquire, Guerrero maintains it is a key element in building relationships.

Staying within the safety zones, observing a person’s response to your intention to touch, these are key to successful touching.

Do not touch complete strangers, or people you hardly know. That is an unwelcome touch.

Safe zones are hands, shoulders and arms.

Examples of safe-zone touches? High fives. Hand shakes. Back slaps. Shoulder taps.

In the office? Let your manager, supervisor or boss initiate contact, Guerrero warns.

Keep your handshake firm. Not limp, not bone-crushing.

And when in doubt? Don’t touch.

Guerrero researches non-verbal communication at Arizona State University and is the author of the book, Close Encounters, Communication in Relationships.

Yours truly,

Margaret Jean.

Tagged asperger traits, Asperger's, Asperger's communication problems, Aspie Teens & friends, Aspies and touching, social touching

Feb 17 2015

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Adult Aspies and Social situations, Aspies in the Workplace., Aspies Socialization, behaviours, UNFORGIVING

Aspies and Small Talk: Think Communication Bytes.

What is the main characteristic of small talk?

It’s SMALL. Bytes of conversation as opposed to megabytes or gigabytes.

Keeping it short and impersonal can be challenging when you’re longing to express thoughts and ideas you have harboured inside yourself for so long that they are bursting to come out. But you must manage your conversations, especially when you are first meeting someone.

Remember: Bytes. Little. Little bits of conversation.

When you are first introduced to someone? This is not the time to tell them about your fascination with engineering systems, national infrastructure or energetic reactions. Save those conversations for networking meetings or gatherings of people with similar interests.

Socially? Small talk is for when you first meet someone. It’s a time to establish a safe conversational zone for both you and the person who is the object of your conversation.

Topics? The weather. Recent outings or vacations. Current events. Popular movies.

If the other person takes you deeper into their personal life, political or religious persuasion, fine, let them go on.

But rein yourself in. Keep your conversation pleasant, interested and attentive. Excuse yourself politely if you feel you must escape them.

Please remember, Aspies–it’s called SMALL talk.

Yours Truly,

Margaret Jean.

Tagged Asperger's, Asperger's communication problems, Aspie Teens & friends, small talk

Feb 03 2015

1 Comment

Adult Aspies and Social situations, An Asperger Day, Aspies and families, Aspies parenting, Aspies Socialization

Perfect? Not This Aspie!

In case you think I’m writing this blog from a position of perfection, you should know: it ain’t necessarily so.

Once on a road trip with my daughter? She was singing along to some CD’s she brought. I think she has a pretty voice. She loves to sing. But like me? She has a little problem with keeping on tune.

No big deal. But she sings in a band. So I said, in a very motherly way, if she would take singing lessons? I would pay for them.

She wrote a whole blog about that.

If you don’t think I was out of line? You probably have Asperger’s too.

Another time, I went to visit my other daughter, who at that time was a single mom. There were a number of issues I wanted to discuss with her, so I made a list. And pulled it out and started on number one.

She laughed so hard she nearly fell over. That is so YOU, Mom. A list of what to talk about!

Just thought you’d like to know—both girls still love me, still include me in their lives, and are only a phone call away when I need anything.

But don’t think the author of this blog has come to perfect her social relationships. I do research so that we can learn together.

Yours truly,

Margaret Jean.

Tagged asperger traits, Asperger's, Asperger's communication problems, social skills

Jan 11 2015

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Adult Aspies and Social situations, Aspies Socialization

Small Talk: Three Tips For Aspies

Help!

I’m alone in a roomful of people–people I don’t know!

And I want to make a good impression. What do I do now?

In Unforgiving, Memoir of an Asperger Teen, I talk about the gaffs I made at a dinner especially arranged to introduce me to some theater people. I really wish I ‘d had Dr. Carducci’s book and Jeffrey’s videos back then! These two experts on small talk really know how to ace a social situation.

You’ve just listened to Jeffrey’s video. He’s a guy who’s given more than 3,000 presentations and met many people. His comfort level with strangers is very high. But even he says it takes practice.

Dr. Bernardo Carducci is head of The Shyness Institute at Indiana University South East, so he has a lot of research behind his book, The Pocket Guide to Making Successful Small Talk; How to Talk to Anyone, Anytime, Anywhere about Anything.

Like Dr. Bernardo Carducci, Jeffrey Benjamin says step up and introduce yourself to someone standing near you.

Don’t interrupt a conversation to do that. Just find someone who is standing alone and go for it.

This is called breaking the ice and while to an Aspie it can feel just as dangerous as falling into freezing water on the skating pond, practising this manoeuvre will make it less stressful each time.

Both experts say listen. Listening in this sense, means being able to repeat back key phrases of what the other person has just said.

Repeating back a brief summary or phrase tells the other person you truly are listening, not just waiting for a pause in the conversation so you can jump in with your favourite topic. Listening like this also keeps you on topic mentally.

Benjamin actually says Listen more, talk less. This is the best advice anyone can give, and probably the hardest for an Aspie to follow. Discipline yourself.

Benjamin’s last item? Be positive. Dragging negativity around is not only pointless? It’s also terribly boring. Bring a positive attitude to the party. After all, you got invited didn’t you?

Yours truly,

Margaret Jean.

Tagged asperger traits, Asperger's communication problems, Aspie Teens & friends, social skills

Margaret Jean

Asperger Me!

Tag Archives: Asperger’s communication problems

Asperger Me!

Tag Archives: Asperger’s communication problems

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“No!” I blurted out.

The professor and the other students in the class stared at me, appalled. In true Aspie style, I had directly expressed my complete and total disagreement with the lecturer’s statement.

As Aspies, while we need not ever remain silent when we have an opinion which we wish to express, it is important that we express it in a manner which is most likely to be effective.

Consider this: If your response is considered confrontational, it is likely that the listener will simply shut down and shut you out. Would it not be more advantageous to encourage the listener to engage in dialogue with you?

So what is the most effective way of NOT agreeing with someone’s statement, and at the same time putting forward your own questions about their position?

“It became a sort of a trademark of mine,” he said. “And it helped me navigate my way through some pretty touchy conversations.”

I have also heard of a very successful person who, when questioning practices in the workplace, would use lead-ins such as “I wonder…” and “I’ve noticed…”

This is a far less abrasive approach than exclaiming “No!”, or saying something like “Why do you do it that way?” or “Shouldn’t you …?” Both of which are considered excessively confrontational by non-Aspies. (Go figure!)

When you convey your position in a non-threatening fashion it allows the listener to ask to have it clarified, to assimilate it, consider it, and perhaps ultimately, even to change their position.

Score one for the Aspies!

Yours truly,

Margaret Jean.

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In my book, Unforgiving, Memoir of an Asperger’s Teen, I relate how I was often blasted for saying what I thought was expected of me!

Feelings of inadequacy don’t go away easily, so I’m always on the lookout for advice—especially advice related to conversing. Here according to leadership coach Lolly Daskal of Inc.com in New York City, are five words to avoid:

Won’t: When you say that something won’t work it conveys a defeatist attitude. Instead say something like, I have some concerns; let’s work through them.

Maybe: Saying maybe gives the impression of an inability or unwillingness to commit, (not good) and may signify a lack of intention or direction to your listener. A better approach, if you have reservations? I’d like to hear (or see) more details first.

Sorry: This is the perfect word if you have an apology to make. But if you’re asking for something? Sorry does not belong. Phrase your request without apology.

Just: When you say, I’m just concerned… you may sound tentative, even apologetic to the listener. You will come across as much stronger and more confident if you say, I’m concerned….

Aspies, I admire each and every one of you. Thank you so much for following my blog. I’d love to get your input on my posts, so don’t be shy about commenting!

Remember, just getting up each day and going through the motions is important. Even more important? Having a purpose. Read next week’s blog to learn more about that.

Yours truly,

Margaret Jean Adam.

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In my book, Unforgiving, Memoir of an Asperger Teen, I include a couple of poems. Here is one that arose from a Business Networking Meeting I attended every Friday. It’s just how I felt, being an Aspie on the outside of all the conversation:

Asperger Me.

I do not wish to tip toe around the polite perimeter of social exchange,

To avoid intimacy and understanding.

I do not wish to abstain from participation in the

socially connected sea of humanity;

to be silent when I am eager to speak,

To smile with others without knowing why,

Or listen to the negative impreachments of my peers.

I wish to connect

To find and open the portal to your innermost reality.

To hear you speak in words

as true and distinct as your heartbeat,

To know you for who you truly deeply be.

That’s what I wish, Asperger Me!

Yours truly,

Margaret Jean.

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Who will navigate us successfully through life to success? To achieve the goals we set for ourselves?

Dr. Phil as he is commonly known, says it has to be us. Nobody else. And he has developed a set of what he calls “Life Laws” which he has used to help many of his clients find their way out of seemingly hopeless situations.

In his book, Life Strategies: Doing What Works, Doing What Matters, Dr. Phillip McGraw stresses that what is vital is “…understanding and controlling the cause-and-effect relationships of life; in other words, using your knowledge to make things happen the way you want them to.”

That we are responsible for learning the social strategies that will get us where we want to go, is probably, as Aspies, the last thing we want to hear.

But whether or not you are familiar with Dr. Phil’s non-nonsense TV Show style of therapy, I strongly suggest that every Aspie young adult and adult read this book at least once.

He goes on to state that “We live in a social world.” This book explains why social skills are key to success and how to organize and manage your life in the direction of your own definition of success.

Perhaps the two most important aspects of this book, are 1) the insistence on one’s duty to self when it comes to learning social skills, and 2) the notion that we manage ourselves.

If you haven’t read this book, you might look at your current self-management strategies and ask yourself:

How’s that working out for you?

Yours truly,

Margaret Jean.

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Touch can strengthen relationships, show closeness, and increase co-operation. This applies to touching in “safe zones”.

So says Laura Guerrero in an April 2013 Psychology Today magazine article. Touch, Guerrero maintains, is important in developing social relationships.

As Aspies, we often don’t like to be touched. And we almost never feel comfortable touching others.

So, perhaps more than non-Aspies, we can understand the need to observe the other person’s reaction, of how they respond to your intention to touch.

Do they tense up? Pull away? Don’t touch.

Do they relax, seem open to touch? Keep to the safe zones.

Because touch is the first sense humans acquire, Guerrero maintains it is a key element in building relationships.

Staying within the safety zones, observing a person’s response to your intention to touch, these are key to successful touching.

Do not touch complete strangers, or people you hardly know. That is an unwelcome touch.

Safe zones are hands, shoulders and arms.

Examples of safe-zone touches? High fives. Hand shakes. Back slaps. Shoulder taps.

In the office? Let your manager, supervisor or boss initiate contact, Guerrero warns.

Keep your handshake firm. Not limp, not bone-crushing.

And when in doubt? Don’t touch.

Guerrero researches non-verbal communication at Arizona State University and is the author of the book, Close Encounters, Communication in Relationships.

Yours truly,

Margaret Jean.

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