The traits I want to illustrate today are twofold: the way we give what people say a more literal interpretation than what others do, and two? The fact that we do not naturally learn correct social behaviour from observing others.
My parents knew they had a problem child in me. Their solutions for me were rote. Whenever I’d set on a course they deemed foolish, like when I wanted to shave my legs or tint my hair, because the other girls were doing it, my parents had a standard response:
I suppose if all the other girls jumped off a cliff, you would, too?
Of course I wouldn’t, I’d reply, stung by the stupidity of the suggestion.
I took this saying quite literally to mean that I was not supposed to copy the behaviour of my peers.
I took it to mean that individuality was an important factor in people’s assessment of each other.
Which made sense when you thought about because it also ensured the preservation of the species. I mean, who knows what would happen to the population if herds of stupid teenage girls were always plunging off cliffs.
Not that I thought they were, but sadly I never paused to reflect that actually herds of teenagers, male or female, running lemming-like toward the ultimate plunge was an idiomatic warning meant to be directed at particularly dangerous behaviours. I think partly what confused me was that what I wanted to do was more normal than dangerous.
I didn’t realize back then, as I do now, that the only real danger in tinting my hair or shaving my legs was the fact that it would cost the parents money which they couldn’t afford.
Not to mention the fear that no-one knew what colour Margaret Jean’s hair would end up. In an era when strawberry blonde was a shocker, this was a real concern.
It wasn’t until I was very much older that I learned to watch how others responded to each other and the community at large. And copy their behaviours. Not their words, necessarily, but their timing and attentiveness. And so far? I haven’t found myself heading toward any cliffs.
Ever feel like you’re drowning in a social situation? Like if you don’t get to be alone in five minutes or less you won’t be able to breathe?
I’d spent a wonderful day with a friend. We’d done the shops and lunch and it was all good. When she dropped me off at home, I invited her in to see our apartment thinking, of course, that she would then leave. That’s an Aspie for you.
Instead, she and my husband, Cash, struck up a conversation. They had no idea that I was done.
To my dismay, Cash did what I, as hostess, should have done–offered her coffee. I quickly put the coffee on, even thought it meant she would stay longer than I felt I could manage. I worked hard at not showing my disappointment as I brought in the steaming mugs.
Then my husband said the kids wanted to get together the next day for Father’s Day. “Oh, what did they have in mind?” I asked,visions of them taking him off somewhere for the day dancing in my head.
“They’re coming here,” he said.
I’m an Aspie, so caught off guard, no filters, right? I blurted out, “Oh no!” It was already 5 p.m. and we were having people for dinner tomorrow? The bathrooms needed cleaning. Dinner for six planned and prepared.
“Just coffee and dessert is fine,” he said, his face falling at my attitude. My guest was shocked at my ungracious response.
To change the subject, Cash talked about the trip we were planning to the southern US to visit relatives. My friend had an inspiration: “A road trip with George and I!” she exclaimed. “Wouldn’t that be fun! We could take two or three weeks…” She and my husband elaborated enthusiastically about the vacation.
In my present state, I was now forced to imagine three weeks in a compact car with three other people. In a very warm climate.
Mind and body immediately responded with all the symptoms of intense claustrophobia.
However, I managed to breathe more or less normally while smiling and nodding in some of the right places. I did not want to hurt my friend’s feelings. She is a lovely person.
My friend left at 6:20 p.m.
At 3 a.m. I woke thinking about the day. I had enjoyed being out with my friend. But, I realized I needed to make my expectations clear when we set out—tell her that when we came back I’d be bringing her in to see the suite, but then I had things to do. And I should have reinforced that just before leaving the restaurant.
As for the kids coming over—I always enjoy them, but I like to have lots of good food ready, and I didn’t know if I’d have time to do that, and so I reacted badly.
Cash was up by then, too, and after talking things over, we decided to take a chicken out of the freezer. He roasts a great chicken, and he’d be happy to do so. I would go to the store and buy his favorite lemon cake and strawberries for dessert after making the apartment presentable.
We hugged after finding our happy solution, and went back to bed.
We had a great afternoon. Not a speck of chicken was left.
As for the trip? Well, that has four months to die a natural death.
Volunteer Services are a great way to prepare for work in the real world. Volunteering can be a sort of head start program for Aspies. Here’s why:
1. It gets you out of the house and interacting with people in a positive way that benefits you and your community.
2. It’s a non-threatening way of finding out what kind of work you like, what kind of hours you can handle, and how long you can stand to be part of a work place interaction.
3. If you don’t like it, you can quit. You will still give notice so that someone can cover your shifts, but if you find the co-workers snarky, or the clientele is too much for you to handle, well, no harm done.
4. You will learn to schedule your responsibilities. You have to make a commitment. You have to show up when you say you will. You have to be good at what you say you are good at. You have to know that you can get there (public transit, walking or bicycling) on your own.
5. You will learn to be reliable and punctual. You will get good references if you do,.
6. You will learn to work with other people of varying ages, professions and education levels. You will become part of a team. You will learn how to interact with them in a non-abrasive way.
7. You will learn to understand heirarchy–how people rank in an organization, and how they fit together.
8. You will learn to follow orders–to listen carefully, to ask questions if you don’t understand or are not sure of what is being asked of you, and to find out what special tools or equipment is to be used in the carrying out of these orders.
9. You will develop different skills, to varying degrees of competence. These skills do count on a resume.
10. You will experience limited rejection–most organizations are more than happy to greet new volunteers.
In his teens, my grandson asked me why I wanted him to find a volunteer position. He thought it a very odd request.
I couldn’t really explain my thinking at the time, but now, twenty-two years old, he told me he wishes he had taken my advice. You see, he is desperately trying to come up with five professional references who are familiar with his work habits. Like most Aspies, his work history is a little sketchy. And being largely anti-social, he didn’t join many clubs or participate in any sports. So there is a dearth of references.
Volunteering could have provided him with references from people who could vouch for his work habits, his reliability and his ability to get along with a team of co-workers. And at the same time, he would be contributing to his community in a meaningful way.
My grandson suffered one solid year of rejection. Every single day he would dress up, take several copies of his resume and go out to various malls and shops and apply for work. For one solid year, no one hired him. It was very depressing.
But, stop and think about it–volunteer workers are always in demand. The likelihood of being rejected is far less than if you were applying for a paying job.
And you can choose the kind of work you will do, the type of organization you would like to work in, and you are far more likely to be able to set your hours than you would be in a paying job.
If you like animals, you can volunteer at SPCA, or a wildlife refuge, or even the zoo or aquarium. If you like libraries and books and videos, you can volunteer at your local library. If you think you might like teaching, you can volunteer in a literacy program. If you like art, try your public art gallery. There are volunteers in some airports, in thrift shops, in hospitals, in parks, in soup kitchens, and in your local church.
There are many different ways and places you can volunteer. The important thing is to find the situation that best suits you, both with regard to location, scheduling and type of work required.
For Aspies, this type of situation is perfect. You will do your best,and may make new social connections, learn new skills, and collect good references for when you go job hunting, or need to fill out your passport application.
At the same time, if the circumstances don’t suit, or someone makes your shift unbearable? You can try a few different coping strategies before bowing out gracefully with no ill effects.
Help your community! Build relationships! Learn workplace skills! Accumulate references! All good reasons for Aspies to take Volunteering very seriously.
In my book, Unforgiving, Memoir of an Asperger Teen, I often express the feeling of being disconnected from the rest of my family and my peers.
In the 1960’s, there was no diagnosis for Asperger’s. My parents couldn’t figure out what was “wrong” with me. In their eyes, much of my behaviour was inappropriate. I resoponded differently to social situations and learning environments than my siblings. This sense of being “wrong” while all too common for people with Asperger’s, does not have to be.
In the introductory interview, Stephen Shore describes “the most important thing about my parents”, which is that they accepted him for who he was, and yet at the same time realized that he would face a number of challenges in his journey toward a normal life.
Many of us do not have parents who have this understanding. Some of us have parents who are not educated enough or financially positioned to offer us the kind of interventions and therapies that Stephen Shore enjoyed. Some parents are just too drained, emotionally and physically to offer us the support we need.
So we must learn to love and accept ourselves. Understand this–we can make friends, be comfortable with some people, sincerely listen, pleasantly respond.
And parents please understand, whatever else you do, accepting your child for who they are is the first step on the road to your child’s integration into society.
When Susan Boyle stepped onto that stage in England, she did not look at all like anyone’s idea of a singing star.
In fact, the audience looked askance at her. Simon Cowell rolled his eyes as Susan rocked Aspegerishly on the stage.
But this did not deter her. She had been refining her art for years and was confident in her ability.
When she started to sing, the audience gasped in amazement. Before she finished the first verse, they were on their feet.
“Simple Susan, mad, odd, bizarre.” Susan recalls being rudely labelled.
“But you see,” she goes on to say, “I’m not mad or simple or any of the other names that I have been called over the years.
I have Asperger’s and it doesn’t define me, it gives a greater understanding of who I am.”
How prepared are you to meet an amazing opportunity? Are you sitting home feeling sorry for yourself? Or are you working at your gift? Seeking out your interests, learning more, working harder at being the best you can be? We all have our down times. But we can rise up, we can find our feet again, and our faith in ourselves and in our talents.
80% of grown-ups with Aspergers do not have full-time jobs.
This alarming statistic comes from the webpage, “My Asperger’s Child”. In a recent article, the authors maintain the reason behind this statistic is not the lack of education or intelligence, but the lack of social skills which would allow employees with Asperger’s to perform their tasks in a “socially acceptable” manner.
“Countless studies show individuals would rather have pleasant and personable co-workers than a co-worker who is always right,” the authors point out.
They conclude that people with Aspergers must compensate for their lack of social competence by “making themselves so good in a specialized field that individuals will be willing to “buy” their skill even though social skills are poor”.
They go on to state that Aspies “need to learn a few social survival skills,” but situating themselves in work groups that are highly specialized is what these authors see as the real solution. In their minds, Aspies would have more access to social relationships involving work colleagues because of very specific work-related interests.
While I do consider this good advice, I also maintain that working hard at learning social skills is equally important. There are so many books, videos and online lectures on the subject…Let us do our best in both arenas.
Yours truly,
Margaret Jean.
Read more at: http://www.myaspergerschild.com/2010/10/best-and-worst-jobs-for-aspergers.html
In my book, “Unforgiving, Memoir of an Asperger Teen”, I talk about finding myself in an unfamiliar environment on at least two occasions. If I had known the appropriate etiquette, I could have been spared much embarrassment. So to save you, my friends, from suffering the same awkward moments at work, I’m offering you these Office Behavior Etiquette Tips:
Choose humor over swearing.
When conversing, give co-workers a respectable distance of 15 inches.
Smile often and acknowledge them as a sign of respect.
Cell Phones:
Screen your calls using caller ID. Set your phone to vibrate and let voice mail pick up.
Anticipate potential callers and call them first — before work.
Never answer your phone when you’re in a meeting. If it’s life and death urgent, leave the meeting. Go out of the room, and speak quietly if you really must take the call.
Don’t make your phone visible on a desk or a lunch table.
When you do eat with others, chew wisely and while they are talking instead of when you are talking.
Want the best person for the job? Someone focused, methodical, honest and reliable? You could be looking for someone on the autism spectrum.
According to a bulletin from the National Autistic Society Northern Ireland and the Department for Employment and Learning (N. Ireland), people on the autism spectrum have some stellar qualities to offer.
“People with autism can make effective and highly valued employees,” the article begins.
“As is the case with all employees, it’s important to match the person’s particular skills to the requirements of the post.”
“People with autism are often very focused and have considerable skills in specific areas.”
“Some of the transferable skills include: attention to detail, a methodical approach, strong research skills, good long term memory and excellent record-keeping.”
While some folks out there see autism and Asperger’s as disabilities or disorders, while they are busy searching for cures, others like Dr. Simon Baron-Cohen of Cambridge University and Dr. Jim Tanaka of the University of Victoria, BC see these syndromes as conditions. Conditions that do not necessarily call for cures.
While some disabilities are created by the syndrome, certain talents often also result. One examples of this theory is Temple Grandin, a brilliant animal behaviourist with autism.
Baron-Cohen gives the further example of Einstein who said, “I do not socialize because it would distract me from my work.”
He also points out that people on the spectrum are far more interested in how systems work than in social cognition.
Jim Tanaka has done work on facial recognition, and developed new games as a result of his research that help ASD children with social interaction.
He encourages everyone to look at ASD not as a disability but as a difference integral to one’s personality.
Margaret Jean 