Margaret Jean

Feb 03 2015

1 Comment

Adult Aspies and Social situations, An Asperger Day, Aspies and families, Aspies parenting, Aspies Socialization

Perfect? Not This Aspie!

In case you think I’m writing this blog from a position of perfection, you should know: it ain’t necessarily so.

Once on a road trip with my daughter? She was singing along to some CD’s she brought. I think she has a pretty voice. She loves to sing. But like me? She has a little problem with keeping on tune.

No big deal. But she sings in a band. So I said, in a very motherly way, if she would take singing lessons? I would pay for them.

She wrote a whole blog about that.

If you don’t think I was out of line? You probably have Asperger’s too.

Another time, I went to visit my other daughter, who at that time was a single mom. There were a number of issues I wanted to discuss with her, so I made a list. And pulled it out and started on number one.

She laughed so hard she nearly fell over. That is so YOU, Mom. A list of what to talk about!

Just thought you’d like to know—both girls still love me, still include me in their lives, and are only a phone call away when I need anything.

But don’t think the author of this blog has come to perfect her social relationships. I do research so that we can learn together.

Yours truly,

Margaret Jean.

Tagged asperger traits, Asperger's, Asperger's communication problems, social skills

Jan 27 2015

1 Comment

Adult Aspies and Social situations, Aspies and families, Aspies raising children, Autism Spectrum, Temple Grandin

An Aspie Life: Questions Raised by Temple Grandin’s Example.

When I look at Temple Grandin’s life, I feel ashamed of how little I have accomplished.

Mostly all I’ve done is love someone and raise three children with a whole lot of cooking, washing, ironing and housecleaning in between. I went to university late, earned a degree. Wrote some books. Started a Quilter’s guild. It seems a minimal contribution at best. But then I look at my three children and suddenly my life seems to have some significance.

Not that I take any credit for how wonderfully they turned out. I know I was an inadequate parent. I didn’t know about Asperger’s least of all that I had it, and so did my daughter and possibly my son. Maybe we all did. One daughter and two grandchildren diagnosed. I am so proud of who they are today. Fine people. They have become my friends as well as my children. We mentored each other along the way. I was very young when I had them, you see, just eighteen when I had my first and when she was three, the youngest was born. I was fertile if nothing else.

And because of my autism, my Asperger’s, I was socially very immature. So we grew up together. I helped them where I could. And when they saw me stuck they’d step in and give me a nudge in the right direction. I wasn’t mature for most of my first two marriages. But in the third one I think I finally mastered at least some of the art of maturity. Not that I’m anywhere near finished yet.

My children are independent, organized, kind, and intelligent. I don’t know what more I could ask of them.

But of myself I have to ask this: what have I done to better the world I live in?

Offhand? I don’t know the answer. And that seems a sad thing.

Yours truly,

Margaret Jean.

Tagged Asperger's, Aspies raising families, Temple Grandin

Jan 20 2015

2 Comments

Adult Aspies and Social situations, Aspies in the Workplace., Aspies Socialization

Aspies: Two Generations Can Help Each Other

I introduced author John Elder Robison and his son, Jack, both Aspies, to you in the last post.

In the same Pyschology Today April 13th article, I found John’s observations of his son’s difficulties with office etiquette very typical of Aspies in the work place.

In the article, Robison explains that he became aware that his son seemed oblivious to his co-workers. He’d get so immersed in his work that his co-workers felt he was ignoring and avoiding them.

He did not engage in office chit-chat or small talk, and he was unable to recognize when this behaviour was having a negative effect on others.

We’ve all been there! We go to work to work, right?? Not socialize! Ah, but then there’s the rest of the world.

People like to be acknowledged. We sometimes get so focused, we fail to see that. And even then, we may feel we are much too busy to do anything about it.

Give in, Aspies! Acknowledging others through a brief comment or compliment is just a necessary feature of being part of the human race.

And getting back to our previous topic of small talk? Office lunch rooms are the perfect setting for exercising your small talk entries.

Note that you should not participate in any disparaging talk about other workers or your superiors.

But safe zone topics? Like recent outings, current events, the weather, the traffic–they’ll keep you in the loop.

Yours truly,

Margaret Jean.

Tagged asperger traits, Asperger's, Asperger's communication problems, social skills

Jan 13 2015

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Adult Aspies and Social situations, Aspie Adventures, Aspies parenting, Aspies Socialization, Autism Spectrum, behaviours, John Robison

Aspies: Two Generations Can Have an Explosive Impact.

In a Psychology Today April 2013 article titled Father and Son, Aspies Alike author John Elder Robison describes the pitfalls of two generations under one roof having Aspergers.

His son, Jack, was fascinated by ‘energetic reactions’ in chemistry. This meant that he liked building experimental things that depended on explosive reactions. Things like rockets. Other chemical formulations that he set to explode in the field behind their house.

John Robison knew that his son Jack was uploading instructional videos of his experiments to You Tube. But it never occurred to him, as it might to some non-Aspie parents, that this might attract some undue attention.

In Jack’s case, it was the FBI FTA branch.

Jack was not charged with any offence and his brush with the law proved innocent enough.

But maybe it’s better when you’re seeking an outside opinion? To ask someone who isn’t an Aspie.

John Robison’s books include Raising Cubby, Be Different and Look Me In the Eye. His son, Jack, along with Jack’s friends Alex Plank, founder of You Tube’s Wrong Planet, have created a series of videos about Autism issues.

Yours truly,

Margaret Jean.

Tagged asperger traits, Asperger's, Aspie Teens & friends, Aspies and You Tube, Aspies two generations

Jan 11 2015

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Adult Aspies and Social situations, Aspies Socialization

Small Talk: Three Tips For Aspies

Help!

I’m alone in a roomful of people–people I don’t know!

And I want to make a good impression. What do I do now?

In Unforgiving, Memoir of an Asperger Teen, I talk about the gaffs I made at a dinner especially arranged to introduce me to some theater people. I really wish I ‘d had Dr. Carducci’s book and Jeffrey’s videos back then! These two experts on small talk really know how to ace a social situation.

You’ve just listened to Jeffrey’s video. He’s a guy who’s given more than 3,000 presentations and met many people. His comfort level with strangers is very high. But even he says it takes practice.

Dr. Bernardo Carducci is head of The Shyness Institute at Indiana University South East, so he has a lot of research behind his book, The Pocket Guide to Making Successful Small Talk; How to Talk to Anyone, Anytime, Anywhere about Anything.

Like Dr. Bernardo Carducci, Jeffrey Benjamin says step up and introduce yourself to someone standing near you.

Don’t interrupt a conversation to do that. Just find someone who is standing alone and go for it.

This is called breaking the ice and while to an Aspie it can feel just as dangerous as falling into freezing water on the skating pond, practising this manoeuvre will make it less stressful each time.

Both experts say listen. Listening in this sense, means being able to repeat back key phrases of what the other person has just said.

Repeating back a brief summary or phrase tells the other person you truly are listening, not just waiting for a pause in the conversation so you can jump in with your favourite topic. Listening like this also keeps you on topic mentally.

Benjamin actually says Listen more, talk less. This is the best advice anyone can give, and probably the hardest for an Aspie to follow. Discipline yourself.

Benjamin’s last item? Be positive. Dragging negativity around is not only pointless? It’s also terribly boring. Bring a positive attitude to the party. After all, you got invited didn’t you?

Yours truly,

Margaret Jean.

Tagged asperger traits, Asperger's communication problems, Aspie Teens & friends, social skills

Jan 06 2015

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Adult Aspies and Social situations, Aspies Socialization, behaviours, UNFORGIVING

Two Big Reasons Aspies Need To Learn Small Talk

Why perfect the art of small talk? The ability to to communicate socially on what may seem to Aspies to be the art of meaningless chit chat?

Two reasons:

First, for your physical health. That’s right! Dr. Dean Ornish cardiologist and author of Reversing Heart Disease says this:

“being able to initiate and maintain relationships is integral to heart health.”

He goes on to explain: “being able to interact meaningfully in a reciprocal relationship with another human being relieves stress and the feelings of loneliness and isolation.”

Isolated? In my book, Unforgiving, Memoir of an Asperger Teen, I show how I felt that way a lot, and how damaging it was to me socially to be unable to connect with my peer group as well as my parents and elders. As Aspies, I’m sure we all know what those feelings are like.

And the second reason to learn small talk? Because it’s the key that opens the door to successful social relationships. It seems meaningless, but on the contrary: it’s important!

Small talk is the way people conversationally explore their comfort zone with the other person.

It’s where you and the other person communicate briefly about the world you both live in before deciding if it’s desirable or even safe to go into further fields of conversation.

Initially? Keep it small, keep it light, and get connected. Ultimately, small talk is good for the heart and good for your mental and emotional health.

Yours truly,

Margaret Jean.

Tagged Asperger's, Asperger's communication problems, Aspie Teens & friends, social skills

Dec 29 2014

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Aspies in the Workplace., Aspies Socialization

Aspies and Small Talk: Ellen’s Monologue and Bernardo Carducci’s Guide.

I wish I could make small talk, an Aspie recently confided to me.

Whether we’re visiting family, in a workplace or out with friends, small talk can feel like treacherous ground for an Aspie. In my book, Unforgiving, Memoir of an Asperger Teen, I show how impossible it was for me as a teen to make small talk with girls my age.

Nowadays there’s an excellent resource book, Dr. Bernardo Carducci’s Pocket Guide_To Making Successful Small Talk.

And the subtitle is encouraging, too: How to Talk to Anyone, Anytime, Anywhere About Anything.

Some tidbits? Be nice but not brilliant. You’re not trying to wow people, just converse politely.

Practice your very brief introduction speech. Hi, I’m George and I haven’t met you yet.

Join in the conversation with a brief remark on the current topic. If there is no topic, you are initiating conversation, current events are good.

Rather than just abruptly leaving the conversation, part with There’s someone I must speak with, please excuse me. Or, I must go, but it’s been really nice meeting you.

Get the guide! I know it will help.

Yours truly,

Margaret Jean.

Tagged asperger traits, Aspie Teens & friends

Sep 19 2014

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Asperger's and sports

Brain Differences and Sports Ability Make Sense in ASD Kids, Grandin Says.

As a child, Grandin took years of skiing lessons without making much progress. In her book, “The Autistic Brain” Grandin admits she was in her forties when she finally figured out what the problem was.

That’s when she found out that her cerebellum, the brain’s center for motor control co-ordination, was 20% smaller than normal.

So if your Asperger’s kid or ASD child is not good at sports, this could be the reason. It could be that their brain has developed differently.

My daughter, Bev who has Asperger’s and is the mother of an Asperger’s child, is also a special education assistant in a high school. Together we attended a presentation by Bill Luis, founder of the Sluis Academy located here in Vancouver BC and on the internet at http://www.sluisacademy.com/.

Luis has developed a unique sports-based therapy for ASD children, and what thrilled us about the therapy was not just the friendly, gentle and confidence building technique.

What especially impressed us was Luis’ way of helping the children learn not only how to play sports, but also how to get invited to play.

This makes Luis and his academy exceptional as far as I’m concerned, since few professionals understand that it is not only the lack of physical coordination that confounds us when it comes to sports. The toughest concept to get is the social. Ask any kid with ASD and I am sure he/she will tell you they are usually the last person to be picked for a team.

It’s not a fault, it’s just a challenge.

If your child wants to learn, help him. If he dreads sports maybe his brain has something to do with it. Why try to make a sports hero out of a doctor or scientist or library clerk or security guard?

Let your child be comfortable in his own skin.

Tagged ASD, Bill Luis, Grandin

Sep 09 2014

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ice bucket challenge and autism

Disturbing Ice-Breaker Behaviour Targets Autistic Boy.

By now everyone has heard of the autistic boy who had a bucket of urine and feces dumped over him. The kids told their victim he was going to be part of an ice-bucket challenge.

Imagine his thrill at being accepted. Imagine his horror at discovering their real intentions.

This incident perfectly illustrates why older kids on the autism spectrum are paranoid and distrustful of their peers.

The fact that the perpetrators most likely will not be punished in any way is a vivid reminder of how inadequate our systems are in dealing with bullies.

And my question is this: Why did “autistic” make the headlines, and not “sociopathic”?

Why was the stunt labelled in the terms of the victim and not the perpetrators?

Are their parents proud? I hope not. But honestly, I wouldn’t bet on them not being proud.

Are their school friends laughing it up? If they are, they are more socially challenged than the victim.

The perpetrators are obviously people who lack empathy, compassion and just plain kindness.

Not the kind of people who will ever make a great community, or ever be a part of a strong and supportive society.

Tagged ice bucket challenge autistic

Margaret Jean

Asperger Me!

Author Archives: Margaret Jean

Aspies and Small Talk: Ellen’s Monologue and Bernardo Carducci’s Guide.

I wish I could make small talk, an Aspie recently confided to me.

Whether we’re visiting family, in a workplace or out with friends, small talk can feel like treacherous ground for an Aspie. In my book, Unforgiving, Memoir of an Asperger Teen, I show how impossible it was for me as a teen to make small talk with girls my age.

Nowadays there’s an excellent resource book, Dr. Bernardo Carducci’s Pocket Guide_To Making Successful Small Talk.

And the subtitle is encouraging, too: How to Talk to Anyone, Anytime, Anywhere About Anything.

Some tidbits? Be nice but not brilliant. You’re not trying to wow people, just converse politely.

Practice your very brief introduction speech. Hi, I’m George and I haven’t met you yet.

Join in the conversation with a brief remark on the current topic. If there is no topic, you are initiating conversation, current events are good.

Rather than just abruptly leaving the conversation, part with There’s someone I must speak with, please excuse me. Or, I must go, but it’s been really nice meeting you.

Get the guide! I know it will help.

Yours truly,

Margaret Jean.

Brain Differences and Sports Ability Make Sense in ASD Kids, Grandin Says.

As a child, Grandin took years of skiing lessons without making much progress. In her book, “The Autistic Brain” Grandin admits she was in her forties when she finally figured out what the problem was.

That’s when she found out that her cerebellum, the brain’s center for motor control co-ordination, was 20% smaller than normal.

So if your Asperger’s kid or ASD child is not good at sports, this could be the reason. It could be that their brain has developed differently.

My daughter, Bev who has Asperger’s and is the mother of an Asperger’s child, is also a special education assistant in a high school. Together we attended a presentation by Bill Luis, founder of the Sluis Academy located here in Vancouver BC and on the internet at http://www.sluisacademy.com/.

Luis has developed a unique sports-based therapy for ASD children, and what thrilled us about the therapy was not just the friendly, gentle and confidence building technique.

What especially impressed us was Luis’ way of helping the children learn not only how to play sports, but also how to get invited to play.

It’s not a fault, it’s just a challenge.

If your child wants to learn, help him. If he dreads sports maybe his brain has something to do with it. Why try to make a sports hero out of a doctor or scientist or library clerk or security guard?

Let your child be comfortable in his own skin.

Disturbing Ice-Breaker Behaviour Targets Autistic Boy.

By now everyone has heard of the autistic boy who had a bucket of urine and feces dumped over him. The kids told their victim he was going to be part of an ice-bucket challenge.

Imagine his thrill at being accepted. Imagine his horror at discovering their real intentions.

This incident perfectly illustrates why older kids on the autism spectrum are paranoid and distrustful of their peers.

The fact that the perpetrators most likely will not be punished in any way is a vivid reminder of how inadequate our systems are in dealing with bullies.

And my question is this: Why did “autistic” make the headlines, and not “sociopathic”?

Why was the stunt labelled in the terms of the victim and not the perpetrators?

Are their parents proud? I hope not. But honestly, I wouldn’t bet on them not being proud.

Are their school friends laughing it up? If they are, they are more socially challenged than the victim.

The perpetrators are obviously people who lack empathy, compassion and just plain kindness.

Not the kind of people who will ever make a great community, or ever be a part of a strong and supportive society.

Asperger Me!

Author Archives: Margaret Jean

In case you think I’m writing this blog from a position of perfection, you should know: it ain’t necessarily so.

Once on a road trip with my daughter? She was singing along to some CD’s she brought. I think she has a pretty voice. She loves to sing. But like me? She has a little problem with keeping on tune.

No big deal. But she sings in a band. So I said, in a very motherly way, if she would take singing lessons? I would pay for them.

She wrote a whole blog about that.

If you don’t think I was out of line? You probably have Asperger’s too.

Another time, I went to visit my other daughter, who at that time was a single mom. There were a number of issues I wanted to discuss with her, so I made a list. And pulled it out and started on number one.

She laughed so hard she nearly fell over. That is so YOU, Mom. A list of what to talk about!

Just thought you’d like to know—both girls still love me, still include me in their lives, and are only a phone call away when I need anything.

But don’t think the author of this blog has come to perfect her social relationships. I do research so that we can learn together.

Yours truly,

Margaret Jean.

Share this:

When I look at Temple Grandin’s life, I feel ashamed of how little I have accomplished.

My children are independent, organized, kind, and intelligent. I don’t know what more I could ask of them.

But of myself I have to ask this: what have I done to better the world I live in?

Offhand? I don’t know the answer. And that seems a sad thing.

Yours truly,

Margaret Jean.

Share this:

I introduced author John Elder Robison and his son, Jack, both Aspies, to you in the last post.

In the same Pyschology Today April 13th article, I found John’s observations of his son’s difficulties with office etiquette very typical of Aspies in the work place.

In the article, Robison explains that he became aware that his son seemed oblivious to his co-workers. He’d get so immersed in his work that his co-workers felt he was ignoring and avoiding them.

He did not engage in office chit-chat or small talk, and he was unable to recognize when this behaviour was having a negative effect on others.

We’ve all been there! We go to work to work, right?? Not socialize! Ah, but then there’s the rest of the world.

People like to be acknowledged. We sometimes get so focused, we fail to see that. And even then, we may feel we are much too busy to do anything about it.

Give in, Aspies! Acknowledging others through a brief comment or compliment is just a necessary feature of being part of the human race.

And getting back to our previous topic of small talk? Office lunch rooms are the perfect setting for exercising your small talk entries.

Note that you should not participate in any disparaging talk about other workers or your superiors.

But safe zone topics? Like recent outings, current events, the weather, the traffic–they’ll keep you in the loop.

Yours truly,

Margaret Jean.

Share this:

In a Psychology Today April 2013 article titled Father and Son, Aspies Alike author John Elder Robison describes the pitfalls of two generations under one roof having Aspergers.

His son, Jack, was fascinated by ‘energetic reactions’ in chemistry. This meant that he liked building experimental things that depended on explosive reactions. Things like rockets. Other chemical formulations that he set to explode in the field behind their house.

John Robison knew that his son Jack was uploading instructional videos of his experiments to You Tube. But it never occurred to him, as it might to some non-Aspie parents, that this might attract some undue attention.

In Jack’s case, it was the FBI FTA branch.

Jack was not charged with any offence and his brush with the law proved innocent enough.

But maybe it’s better when you’re seeking an outside opinion? To ask someone who isn’t an Aspie.

John Robison’s books include Raising Cubby, Be Different and Look Me In the Eye. His son, Jack, along with Jack’s friends Alex Plank, founder of You Tube’s Wrong Planet, have created a series of videos about Autism issues.

Yours truly,

Margaret Jean.

Share this:

Help!

I’m alone in a roomful of people–people I don’t know!

And I want to make a good impression. What do I do now?

You’ve just listened to Jeffrey’s video. He’s a guy who’s given more than 3,000 presentations and met many people. His comfort level with strangers is very high. But even he says it takes practice.

Dr. Bernardo Carducci is head of The Shyness Institute at Indiana University South East, so he has a lot of research behind his book, The Pocket Guide to Making Successful Small Talk; How to Talk to Anyone, Anytime, Anywhere about Anything.

Like Dr. Bernardo Carducci, Jeffrey Benjamin says step up and introduce yourself to someone standing near you.

Don’t interrupt a conversation to do that. Just find someone who is standing alone and go for it.

This is called breaking the ice and while to an Aspie it can feel just as dangerous as falling into freezing water on the skating pond, practising this manoeuvre will make it less stressful each time.

Both experts say listen. Listening in this sense, means being able to repeat back key phrases of what the other person has just said.

Repeating back a brief summary or phrase tells the other person you truly are listening, not just waiting for a pause in the conversation so you can jump in with your favourite topic. Listening like this also keeps you on topic mentally.

Benjamin actually says Listen more, talk less. This is the best advice anyone can give, and probably the hardest for an Aspie to follow. Discipline yourself.

Benjamin’s last item? Be positive. Dragging negativity around is not only pointless? It’s also terribly boring. Bring a positive attitude to the party. After all, you got invited didn’t you?

Yours truly,

Margaret Jean.

Share this:

Why perfect the art of small talk? The ability to to communicate socially on what may seem to Aspies to be the art of meaningless chit chat?

Two reasons:

First, for your physical health. That’s right! Dr. Dean Ornish cardiologist and author of Reversing Heart Disease says this:

“being able to initiate and maintain relationships is integral to heart health.”

He goes on to explain: “being able to interact meaningfully in a reciprocal relationship with another human being relieves stress and the feelings of loneliness and isolation.”

Isolated? In my book, Unforgiving, Memoir of an Asperger Teen, I show how I felt that way a lot, and how damaging it was to me socially to be unable to connect with my peer group as well as my parents and elders. As Aspies, I’m sure we all know what those feelings are like.

And the second reason to learn small talk? Because it’s the key that opens the door to successful social relationships. It seems meaningless, but on the contrary: it’s important!

Small talk is the way people conversationally explore their comfort zone with the other person.

It’s where you and the other person communicate briefly about the world you both live in before deciding if it’s desirable or even safe to go into further fields of conversation.

Initially? Keep it small, keep it light, and get connected. Ultimately, small talk is good for the heart and good for your mental and emotional health.

Yours truly,

Margaret Jean.

Share this:

I wish I could make small talk, an Aspie recently confided to me.

Whether we’re visiting family, in a workplace or out with friends, small talk can feel like treacherous ground for an Aspie. In my book, Unforgiving, Memoir of an Asperger Teen, I show how impossible it was for me as a teen to make small talk with girls my age.

Nowadays there’s an excellent resource book, Dr. Bernardo Carducci’s Pocket Guide_To Making Successful Small Talk.

And the subtitle is encouraging, too: How to Talk to Anyone, Anytime, Anywhere About Anything.

Some tidbits? Be nice but not brilliant. You’re not trying to wow people, just converse politely.

Practice your very brief introduction speech. Hi, I’m George and I haven’t met you yet.

Join in the conversation with a brief remark on the current topic. If there is no topic, you are initiating conversation, current events are good.

Rather than just abruptly leaving the conversation, part with There’s someone I must speak with, please excuse me. Or, I must go, but it’s been really nice meeting you.