Category Archives: Adult Aspies and Social situations

Feb 17 2016
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Adult Aspies and Social situations

Aspies Being Social–At Work and at Home

Social connections seem very complex and can be confusing for us Aspies.  I show this a lot in my book, Unforgiving, Memoir of an Asperger Teen.  

What we see as the truth in the moment is exactly what we tend to say.  This can lead to regrets later when we have additional information or have had a chance to rethink our position.

And one bad experience can cause us to generalize in a negative way about similar situations in the future.  We tend to withdraw.  We are after all, far more comfortable in our own little world.  Why would we even bother to venture out?

Because, Aspies, our mental, emotional and physical health is greatly improved when we’re positively connected to other human beings.  When we have people, even just one person, that we can call a friend.  When we have a co-worker who is happy to see us arrive at work.

How do we manage that?  How do we cross that vast and terrifying chasm of not knowing how and get to the land of Oh, I get it!?

Fortunately for us, there are many books and videos on the subject.  Here are two that I have recently discovered:

The first is titled The Unwritten Rules of Friendship  and is written by two professionals, Natalie Madorsky Elman and Eileen Kennedy-Moore.  The book contains very straight forward information and how-to’s.  It’s extremely practical and easy to read.

To give you an example of the contents?  There is a section on distinguishing between sincere and insincere compliments.  Very handy for Aspies.

The second book deals with workplace situations, offering all kinds of cut and dried advice.

In her book I Shouldn’t Be Telling You This, Kate White, a former Cosmo editor-in-chief, not only gives examples of difficult office situations but tells explicitly how best to phrase responses.

While this book is written for women in the magazine industry, the advice applies to most workplace situations, to men as well as women.

White covers every aspect of the workplace including how to ace an interview.

Obviously neither of these books was written specifically for Aspies, but they are great aids for us nonetheless.  I found Unwritten Rules of Friendship in a thrift shop but it was published in 2008, so it should still be available at your local library, and I checked and it is on Google books. Or you can download the ebook at: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JWZvvhRMlmI

Yours truly,

Margaret Jean.

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Jan 17 2016
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Adult Aspies and Social situations, Aspergers Reading Resources

An Aspie Read: The Rosie Project by Graeme Simsion.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iKmE2pVgKbE

“Fortunately I am accustomed to inadvertently creating humour,” Professor Don Tillman states when his phone conversation causes his genetics class to burst into laughter.

The story is hilarious, yet wonderfully moving.  The main character/narrator is totally engaging.  This is because he recognizes his differences, but is undefeated by them.

Author Graeme Simsion, an Aussie IT consultant successfully reveals Tillman’s social awkwardness without making fun of him, making The Rosie Project a compassionate mirror to Aspies the world over.

A good friend gave me this book saying she wanted me to have it because she thought I could relate very well to the main character.  And I did.  Apparently many other people do as well, as the book to date has been published in 74 countries and many languages.

 

This book is great for anyone 16 years of age and older, for Aspies, parents and relatives of Aspies, and those who just plain like a good read.

Rosie’s language is not always pristine, but she is a very enjoyable character.

Buy it.  Or persuade your local library to get it in.  You’ll like it!

For more information on this book go to: https://www.textpublishing.com.au/books/the-rosie-project/

Yours truly,

Margaret Jean.

 

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Sep 13 2015
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Adult Aspies and Social situations, Aspies in the Workplace., Aspies Socialization

Young Adult & Adult Aspies: Who Is In Charge of Your Life?

Who will navigate us successfully through life to success?  To achieve the goals we set for ourselves?

Dr. Phil as he is commonly known, says it has to be us.  Nobody else. And he has developed a set of what he calls “Life Laws” which he has used to help many of his clients find their way out of seemingly hopeless situations.

In his book, Life Strategies: Doing What Works, Doing What Matters, Dr. Phillip McGraw stresses that what is vital is “…understanding and controlling the cause-and-effect relationships of life; in other words, using your knowledge to make things happen the way you want them to.”

That we are responsible for learning the social strategies that will get us where we want to go, is probably, as Aspies, the last thing we want to hear.

But whether or not you are familiar with Dr. Phil’s non-nonsense TV Show style of therapy, I strongly suggest that every Aspie young adult and adult read this book at least once.

He goes on to state that “We live in a social world.”  This book explains why social skills are key to success and how to organize and manage your life in the direction of your own definition of success.

Perhaps the two most important aspects of this book, are 1) the insistence on one’s duty to self when it comes to learning social skills, and 2) the notion that we manage ourselves.

If you haven’t read this book, you might look at your current self-management strategies and ask yourself:

How’s that working out for you?

Yours truly,

Margaret Jean.

 

 

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Apr 27 2015
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Adult Aspies and Social situations, Aspies and families, Aspies parenting, Autism Awareness, UNFORGIVING

Help For Aspies–Can Be Found Where?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AbeyIG7Fz8s://

Growing up in the 1960’s when nobody knew about Asperger’s syndrome, when it hadn’t even been officially accepted or even described by the AMA, was confusing and frustrating.

In my book, Unforgiving, Memoir of an Asperger Teen, I talk about that frustration.

 And if it was bad for me, I hesitate to think how tough it was for my parents to have an Asperger’s Syndrome child in an era when manners and social conformity meant everything.

Thank goodness now there are several organizations whose sole purpose is to guide parents and adult Aspies through the maze of diagnosis, treatment and general support.

Positive affirmation is the guiding principle.

I am impressed to read in the Autism Speaks website (www.autismspeaks.org) that many adult-diagnosed Aspies “make great strides by coupling their new awareness with counseling”.

The Autism Speaks website is a great resource, with it’s many articles and references.  Especially popular is their Asperger Syndrome Tool Kit.

Included in that tool kit is Ellen Notbohm’s Ten Things Every Child With Autism Wishes You Knew.  I wish my parents could have read it.  Maybe your child feels that way, too.

And if you’re an adult with Asperger’s?  Read it anyway.  It can help you let your friends know how to help you.

Yours truly,

Margaret Jean.

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Feb 24 2015
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Adult Aspies and Social situations, Aspies and social touching, Aspies in the Workplace., Aspies Socialization

To Touch or Not To Touch? An Aspie Dilemma.

Touch can strengthen relationships, show closeness, and increase co-operation.  This applies to touching in “safe zones”.

So says Laura Guerrero in an April 2013 Psychology Today magazine article.  Touch, Guerrero maintains, is important in developing social relationships.

As Aspies, we often don’t like to be touched.  And we almost never feel comfortable touching others.

So, perhaps more than non-Aspies, we can understand the need to observe the other person’s reaction, of how they respond to your intention to touch.

Do they tense up?  Pull away?  Don’t touch.

Do they relax, seem open to touch?  Keep to the safe zones.

Because touch is the first sense humans acquire, Guerrero maintains it is a key element in building relationships.

Staying within the safety zones, observing a person’s response to your intention to touch, these are key to successful touching.

Do not touch complete strangers, or people you hardly know.  That is an unwelcome touch.

Safe zones are hands, shoulders and arms.

Examples of safe-zone touches?  High fives.  Hand shakes.  Back slaps.  Shoulder taps.

In the office?  Let your manager, supervisor or boss initiate contact, Guerrero warns.

Keep your handshake firm.  Not limp, not bone-crushing.

And when in doubt?  Don’t touch.

Guerrero researches non-verbal communication at Arizona State University and is the author of the book, Close Encounters, Communication in Relationships.

Yours truly,

Margaret Jean.

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Feb 17 2015
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Adult Aspies and Social situations, Aspies in the Workplace., Aspies Socialization, behaviours, UNFORGIVING

Aspies and Small Talk: Think Communication Bytes.

What is the main characteristic of small talk?

It’s SMALL.  Bytes of conversation as opposed to megabytes or gigabytes.

Keeping it short and impersonal can be challenging when you’re longing to express thoughts and ideas you have harboured inside yourself for so long that they are bursting to come out.  But you must manage your conversations, especially when you are first meeting someone.

Remember:  Bytes.  Little.  Little bits of conversation.

When you are first introduced to someone?  This is not the time to tell them about your fascination with engineering systems, national infrastructure or energetic reactions.  Save those conversations for networking meetings or gatherings of people with similar interests.

Socially?  Small talk is for when you first meet someone.  It’s a time to establish a safe conversational zone for both you and the person who is the object of your conversation.

Topics?  The weather.  Recent outings or vacations.  Current events.  Popular movies.

If the other person takes you deeper into their personal life, political or religious persuasion, fine, let them go on.

But rein yourself in.  Keep your conversation pleasant, interested and attentive.  Excuse yourself politely if you feel you must escape them.

Please remember, Aspies–it’s called SMALL talk.

Yours Truly,

Margaret Jean.

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Feb 03 2015
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Adult Aspies and Social situations, An Asperger Day, Aspies and families, Aspies parenting, Aspies Socialization

Perfect? Not This Aspie!

In case you think I’m writing this blog from a position of perfection, you should know: it ain’t necessarily so.

Once on a road trip with my daughter?  She was singing along to some CD’s she brought.  I think she has a pretty voice.  She loves to sing.  But like me?  She has a little problem with keeping on tune.

No big deal.  But she sings in a band.  So I said, in a very motherly way, if she would take singing lessons?  I would pay for them.

She wrote a whole blog about that.

If you don’t think I was out of line?  You probably have Asperger’s too.

Another time, I went to visit my other daughter, who at that time was a single mom.  There were a number of issues I wanted to discuss with her, so I made a list.  And pulled it out and started on number one.

She laughed so hard she nearly fell over.  That is so YOU, Mom.  A list of what to talk about!

Just thought you’d like to know—both girls still love me, still include me in their lives, and are only a phone call away when I need anything.

But don’t think the author of this blog has come to perfect her social relationships.  I do research so that we can learn together.

Yours truly,

Margaret Jean.

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Jan 27 2015
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Adult Aspies and Social situations, Aspies and families, Aspies raising children, Autism Spectrum, Temple Grandin

An Aspie Life: Questions Raised by Temple Grandin’s Example.

When I look at Temple Grandin’s life, I feel ashamed of how little I have accomplished.

Mostly all I’ve done is love someone and raise three children with a whole lot of cooking, washing, ironing and housecleaning in between.  I went to university late, earned a degree.  Wrote some books.  Started a Quilter’s guild.  It seems a minimal contribution at best.  But then I look at my three children and suddenly my life seems to have some significance.

Not that I take any credit for how wonderfully they turned out.  I know I was an inadequate parent.  I didn’t know about Asperger’s least of all that I had it, and so did my daughter and possibly my son.  Maybe we all did.  One daughter and two grandchildren diagnosed.  I am so proud of who they are today.  Fine people.  They have become my friends as well as my children.  We mentored each other along the way.  I was very young when I had them, you see, just eighteen when I had my first and when she was three, the youngest was born.  I was fertile if nothing else.

And because of my autism, my Asperger’s, I was socially very immature.  So we grew up together.  I helped them where I could.  And when they saw me stuck they’d step in and give me a nudge in the right direction.  I wasn’t mature for most of my first two marriages.  But in the third one I think I finally mastered at least some of the art of maturity.  Not that I’m anywhere near finished yet.

My children are independent, organized, kind, and intelligent.  I don’t know what more I could ask of them.

But of myself I have to ask this: what have I done to better the world I live in?

Offhand?  I don’t know the answer.  And that seems a sad thing.

Yours truly,

Margaret Jean.

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Jan 20 2015
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Adult Aspies and Social situations, Aspies in the Workplace., Aspies Socialization

Aspies: Two Generations Can Help Each Other

I introduced author John Elder Robison and his son, Jack, both Aspies, to you in the last post.

In the same Pyschology Today  April 13th  article, I found John’s observations of his son’s difficulties with office etiquette very typical of Aspies in the work place.

In the article, Robison explains that he became aware that his son seemed oblivious to his co-workers.  He’d get so immersed in his work that his co-workers felt he was ignoring and avoiding them.

He did not engage in office chit-chat or small talk, and he was unable to recognize when this behaviour was having a negative effect on others.

We’ve all been there!  We go to work to work, right??  Not socialize!  Ah, but then there’s the rest of the world.

People like to be acknowledged.  We sometimes get so focused, we fail to see that.  And even then, we may feel we are much too busy to do anything about it.

Give in, Aspies!  Acknowledging others through a brief comment or compliment is just a necessary feature of being part of the human race.

And getting back to our previous topic of small talk? Office lunch rooms are the perfect setting for exercising your small talk entries.

Note that you should not participate in any disparaging talk about other workers or your superiors.

But safe zone topics?  Like recent outings, current events, the weather, the traffic–they’ll keep you in the loop.

Yours truly,

Margaret Jean.

 

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Jan 13 2015
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Adult Aspies and Social situations, Aspie Adventures, Aspies parenting, Aspies Socialization, Autism Spectrum, behaviours, John Robison

Aspies: Two Generations Can Have an Explosive Impact.

In a Psychology Today April 2013 article titled Father and Son, Aspies Alike author John Elder Robison describes the pitfalls of two generations under one roof having Aspergers.

His son, Jack, was fascinated by ‘energetic reactions’ in chemistry.  This meant that he liked building experimental things that depended on explosive reactions. Things like rockets. Other chemical formulations that he set to explode in the field behind their house.

John Robison knew that his son Jack was uploading instructional videos of his experiments to You Tube.  But it never occurred to him, as it might to some non-Aspie parents, that this might attract some undue attention.

In Jack’s case, it was the FBI FTA branch.

Jack was not charged with any offence and his brush with the law proved innocent enough.

But maybe it’s better when you’re seeking an outside opinion?  To ask someone who isn’t an Aspie.

John Robison’s books include Raising Cubby,  Be Different and Look Me In the Eye.  His son, Jack, along with Jack’s friends Alex Plank, founder of You Tube’s Wrong Planet, have created a series of videos about Autism issues.

Yours truly,

Margaret Jean.

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