Category Archives: Autism Spectrum

Sep 18 2012
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writing on the Spectrum

“Unforgiving” A Review From An Asperger Point of View.

This review of my book, “Unforgiving” was emailed to me from Tara, a counsellor who worked for seven years with people from diverse backgrounds with different issues and challenges.  She is now a life coach in Red Deer, Alberta.

 I love how you somehow managed to bring a lightness to some very heavy topics.

When I say “lightness” I mean that you have found a way to talk about Asperger’s, sexual abuse, and even infidelity in a way that isn’t too overwhelming or emotional to the reader. At times I felt torn because I was enjoying your story and feeling connected to Margaret’s journey but then having to remind myself that the pain and turmoil was real.

I love how you bring the reader into your world and provide a very real and honest account of how a young girl experiences sexual abuse.

Asperger’s or not, how you captured Margaret’s thoughts and feelings are bang on. Not only in the pain and confusion but also in the reactions of family. So many kids could avoid re-victimization if family listened and believed their children.

You also provided a very real account of how someone with Asperger’s operates in the world, in terms of being left out, often misunderstood, and not being able to pick up the social cues that serves to engage and protect people.

The book shows how victims of sexual abuse naturally become sexualized which then acts like a magnet to bring in more sexual predators.

When I started reading this book I couldn’t stop. I found myself trying to hurry through my responsibilities of the day so I could get back to see what was next for Margaret Jean. Like you said, I was done in 2 days.

Thank-you so much for sharing your story with me, I am truly honoured.

Tara

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Jul 10 2012
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Autism Spectrum

Be Sociable–Pass The Baton!

The house was buzzing with conversation, so I knew everyone was chatting sociably. Being an Aspie I noticed when the buzz died down to just two voices.

Two people, fine, loving and caring people, were forcefully discussing a subject.  Even though they were mostly in agreement, they completely obliterated the table talk.   As an Aspie, I am always trying to learn from social situations, so I asked myself, how did they bring the pleasant social buzz to a dead halt?   Here is what I noticed.

  • They talked louder than necessary.

This prevented others from starting up conversations with anyone else.  It also made it easy for the eager talkers to “talk over” anyone attempting to join the conversation in normal tones.

  • They lectured, instead of conversing.

The difference is this:  when conversing, a person makes a statement and adds something to it, but then they raise a question or ask an opinion of someone else–and then listen to attentively to the response.  Two or three sentences with a question or just a plain stop, allows someone else to take up the conversation.

And what I realized?   Conversation’s like a relay–it’s not my job to carry the torch all the way to the finish line.  It’s my job to be the first to pass it on.

  • They used the social event to show how much they knew.

Whether or not that was their intent?  It was the impression I got.  You see, I heard another person tentatively offer a statement, and while he paused a moment to consider how to continue, the other two jumped in and snatched the conversation back.  He never did get another chance to contribute.

And what this means to me?  Is that the conversation wasn’t sociable. It was a platform.  The two individuals were using the conversation to show how clever they were about a subject.

Both these people are great friends and good human beings.  And I realized that both were unaware of what was happening around them.

Socializing is an interaction with other people, their ideas, interests and events. But–if you’re the only one talking, you’re like a runner in a relay race, going round and round without passing the baton.

The race is over. Your team is disappointed in your performance.  They expected to be included, to participate in a meaningful way.  Now, they are going to walk away, dismayed and determined not to have you on their team again.

 Like the runner who never passed the baton, the conversationalist who doesn’t give others a chance to talk long enough to contribute in a meaningful way to the conversation, is not likely to be welcome again.

Being sociable is as easy as passing the conversational baton–two or three sentences, acknowledge others who wish to speak, and listen attentively when they do.

Looking back, I can’t help but wonder how often I’ve been guilty of the same faux pas.  I’m sure I’m guilty of doing this on countless occasions.  The trick is, now that I know better?  I can stop myself, and draw others into the conversation..or change the topic altogether.

We keep learning, right?  That’s what we’re here for.

Love you.

Margaret Jean.

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Jun 24 2012
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Autism Spectrum, behaviours

Charles Bernstein, Aspie’s Repetitive Behaviour, and An SFU Lecture.

  Preview

A New York poet, brilliant and lauded professor, was the guest speaker at an SFU event.  As an adult with Asperger’s, I watched in fascination as he delivered a talk about the future of literature in general, and poetics in particular in North American educational institutions.

These are the notes I made at his lecture:

Feet crossed under his chair, wriggling, prodding each other.

Hands arthritic, gripping, releasing each other and his forearms.

Body rocking, seat lifting off the chair.

Head pulling the body up, down, forward.

Foot tapping it’s mate.

Voice clips.  Eyebrows lift and fall.

Hands fist.  Foot taps.  Shoulders writhe.  Hands press his weight against the table edge.

A brilliant mind bouncing around inside the ageing cage of his body.

No notes on the body of the lecture.

This whole issue interests me, both as a person with Asperger’s and as a person observing what clearly seems to me to be another person with Autistic tendencies.

I was so intrigued by the motion of the man, I could not concentrate on the content of his message.  Does that ever happen to you?

Yours truly,

Margaret Jean.


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Jun 17 2012
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Autism Spectrum, behaviours

Anna Matchneva: Friend To Aspie’s And Their Parents.

Thanks to Stella Hui and the BC Autism Society, some of us had a chance to hear Anna Matchneva speak last Friday about the PEER program in BC Schools.  While most of the parents were there trying to learn how to help their children with what some of the other students  consider ‘weird’ behaviour, I was there as a person with Asperger’s as well as a concerned parent and grandparent of children with Asperger’s.  It’s always an interesting perspective, and I’m often amused at the assumptions the workers make about us Aspies.

But with Anna Matchneva, it was different.  She had a good read on us, a lot of insights into how things work for us, and how they don’t work, and what we can do about it.

With Anna, teaching the child to independantly correct the situation through adjusted thinking and responses is the key to achieving success in peer relationships.

Some of the things she suggests for Children with Asperger’s to help them manoeuvre in social situations:

  • Recognize other people’s interests.  Let them talk, and be supportive.
  • Learn to recognize and support other people’s feelings.  Accept that they aren’t always the same as ours.
  • Learn positive thinking.  Positive thoughts lead to better feelings which lead to more comfortable behaviour.  In the situation where you became angry and frustrated, what could you do differently next time?
  • When conflict happens, do not dismiss or blame the other person.  Try instead to put yourself in their shoes.
  • When you have a guest, let them do what they want.  Do not try to choose activities for them, or force your interests on them.

And for parents of Aspies, try to help them develop age appropriate interests:  in music, in games, and other past times that children talk about at school.

Anna Matchneva is an amazing person.  She works with iStep Ahead Serices Inc .  You can read more about this program at: http://www.istepahead.com/

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Jun 04 2012
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writing on the Spectrum

Stephen Shore–Bridging the Gap

The great aspect of being an adult within the autism syndrome?  We get to talk about it, to write about it, to explain a bit about what we feel, and why we act as we do.

And I’ve just discovered a video by author and teacher Stephen Shore.  You can view it here:  http://www.autismsupportnetwork.com/news/video-interview-stephen-shore-autism-aspergers-220123452

Stephen Shore lives on the autism spectrum.  Like many others, he developed normally until 18 months of age when, as he put it, he got hit by the “Autism Bomb”.  Today he has a PhD and is an assistant professor of special education at Adelphi University.

Stephen’s books include:  Living Along the Autism Spectrum–What Does It Mean to Have Autism or Asperger’s Syndrome;  Understanding Autism for Dummies, and Beyond the Wall–Personal Experiences with Autism and Aspergers Syndrome.  His newest book is :  Ask and Tell: Self-Advocacy and Disclosure for People on the Autism Spectrum.

 

May 31 2012
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writing on the Spectrum

Roy Miki’s Last Class–A Case of Continuing Ed.

At The Writers’ Union Conference this weekend, I ran into many people from my past.  I was delighted to see B.C. writer and poet, Roy Miki.  Roy was a long-time professor at Simon Fraser University and I had the great privilege of being in the last class he taught before his retirement–a fourth level English course on bio-writing projects.

“It was my last class, so I had nothing to lose,” he said.  Academic perfection was no longer his aim.  Rather, his desire was to help his students discover the deepest levels of their creativity.

He said it was a great class, and that many of the students had gone on to do wonderful things:  publish books, or pursue their PhD’s or work in other artistic mediums.

I showed him a copy of my book, Unforgiving, The Memoir of an Asperger Teen  and we talked about how it began as a 3500 word bio-excerpt in his Creative Writing Class.  He remembered it well, even the photo I had used on the project cover, which is now on the back of the book.

Later, in a chance encounter, he asked me what I would do next.  I told him a bit about my next project, a study of a BC unsolved crime involving the axe murder of two children.  In the brief time that we talked, he led to me some key insights into the project, how to approach it, where my strengths lie, and insisted I must begin at once.  “Don’t put it off,” he advised me, “You’ve done the research, so just start writing.”

When we are students sitting in a classroom, we can never know where that moment will take us.  How fortunate I was to find myself in Roy Miki’s Last Class.  And how marvellous that it’s turned into a sort of continuing ed program just by virtue of his generous advice.

You can find Roy Miki’s books at: Roy Miki at Amazon and look up his illustrious career on The Writers’ Union of Canada member pages.

Yours truly,

Margaret Jean.

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May 17 2012
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Autism Spectrum, behaviours, pedophiles, sexual abuse survivors, UNFORGIVING Aside

The Ram’s Head Writer’s meeting is always engaging.  Hosted by Lisa Hatton in her home, it’s a friendly get together of several writers at varying stages in their careers.  Lisa is disbanding the group temporarily while she goes for surgery, and the camraderie and Lisa herself will be sadly missed.  When we left, we all admonished her to get well soon and email us the minute the meetings were back on.

Most people read some of their work, and the stories were engaging, the critiquing, sound.  Some of us got stuck on the word “inception” and a lot of discussion followed about the appropriate usage of the word.   We heard children’s stories, and in contrast, Jason read a chapter where his murderous antagonist runs amuck.  All great stuff.

For me, the hardest part about writing a book is understanding how it sounds to readers.  Last night at Lisa’s, I read chapter eleven of Unforgiving aloud.  I chose that chapter because it deals with the predator stalking Margaret Jean, choosing her as his target, and testing the family waters to see how the family will react.  This is a tense chapter largely fueled by a child’s outrage.

While reading, I looked up occasionally to see if my audience was engaged.  They were sitting up, leaning toward me, totally focused.  After the meeting, they all handled the book, some jotted down the title, and asked me where they could buy the book. 

I drove home, thrilled and excited.  Until I realized what I had forgotten– That I had five copies of the book in my trunk!

The Ram’s Head…

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May 01 2012
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Autism Spectrum

Asperger Dreams

Falling into sleep after a hectic day at work, I wondered what the world would look like if Simon Cowell, Kevin O’Leary and Larry Winget ran it…

Can’t help but wonder just exactly how that would work…

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Mar 11 2012
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Autism Spectrum, behaviours

Happiness: Social Skills or Compassion?

In one large survey, one fourth of U.S. adults reported that they had felt extremely lonely at least once within the previous two weeks.


This quote’s from the Dalai Lama’s book The Art of Happiness (p.70).  Talking about causes of loneliness, co-author Howard C. Cutler cites studies that show that loneliness can arise from several sources, one of which is the inability to pick up conversational cues:  knowing when to nod, to respond appropriately, or to remain silent.

Cutler says this research suggests improving social skills should therefore be a good strategy for overcoming loneliness.  However, the Dalai Lama suggests a different approach.

Develop Compassion, is the simple message of this sage.  Recognize your interconnectedness with the world and you will be grateful for all that you have and do and are.

Cutler states he had always felt pride in his independence, in not needing anyone’s help to sustain him.  But when he thought about how many people were involved in providing an article as simple as his shirt, he began to see a new world vision.

He thought of the farmer who grew the cotton.  The person who sold the farmer his tractor.  The many people involved in the manufacture of the tractor, the repair and maintenance of it, even the people who mined the ore that made the metal parts on the tractor, and the designers of the tractor.  He thought about the weavers of the cloth, the people who cut and sewed the fabric, who colored it.  The cargo workers and truck drivers who got the shirt to the store.  The many clerks and administrators in the store.

Cutler realized then that “virtually every aspect of my life came about as the results of others’ efforts.  My precious self-reliance was a complete illusion.”

Something I’m sure, for every Aspie to think deeply about.  Would this be a good exercise?   When you are feeling isolated?  Just take a simple object and spend a few minutes considering how many people it took to put it in your hand.

Karl Marx said that one of the tragedies of modern society was the distancing of the producer from the product.  How isolated it made both the producer and the consumer feel.  It seems the Dalai Lama would agree.

Yours truly,

Margaret Jean.

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Mar 01 2012
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Autism Spectrum, behaviours

Autism Spectrum and Lying: A Doctor’s Opinion Vs. Real Life Experience.

Why do children lie? An Asperger Point of View.

Dr. Stephen M. Edelson states in an article, Lying in Autism: A Cognitive Milestone, at:  http://autism.com/gen_page.asp?PID=329  that people in the Autism spectrum don’t lie because they think everyone already knows what they know.  In other words, the child who takes a cooky when it’s forbidden will admit to taking the cooky because he thinks his mother already knows he did.

Some children lie for what they may deem “safety reasons”.  That is, to avoid being physically punished.  Asperger children have a reputation for not lying, for being painfully honest when a little white lie or any other kind of lie would have gone down better with the people they were being honest with. 

Dr. Edelson believes this is because the autistic child believes the knowledge he is imparting is already known.  While that may be true for some children, it was not true for me.   I would often tell the truth when it was painfully obvious that  a lie would have served me better.  Why?

First of all, I thought it was the right thing to do.  Regardless of the consequences, wouldn’t life be easier if everyone was just honest about each situation?  

When people concoct lies about what they did, turning their responsibility into blame which is deflected onto others, they are making a basic assumption about the society around them:  that it operates on distrust and blame.

The Aspies that I know?  Like to operate on the belief that we live in a world where everyone is accepted as they are.  We have, shall we say, an improved world vision.  Our ideal society is a world where mistakes are acknowledged as learning events, and we keeping to find this elysium has become a reality.

We prefer to assume that our community is not eager for sacrifice, not quick to blame, and we are ever hopeful that we will be seen as fellow travellers in the human condition, stumbling in some areas and excelling in others.

This puts us at risk, and yes, at first when we are young, we often set ourselves up unwittingly.  But when we are older, we will still stubbornly put ourselves out there, knowing the likelihood of social fallout, but hoping we will find some unique individual who understands and accepts us.  Someone we can trust.

I think that this trust is what Dr. Edelson and others would call “misplaced trust”.  I think that the constant disappointment in how that trust is received, could explain some incidences of depression, social disconnection and suicide. 

I cannot express strongly enough how terribly despondent some teenaged Aspies become when they discover how the “real world” operates.  They feel sad that society depends upon so much social deceit.

Why do Aspies keep telling it like it is, even knowing how the world operates?  Easy.  For that one amazing person that we find we can trust.  For us Aspies?  It’s like finding a diamond in a dung heap.

Yours truly,

Margaret Jean.

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