Category Archives: Autism Spectrum

Jan 09 2013
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Autism Spectrum, behaviours

The How-To Behind Friendship (Not Just For Aspies!)

Making friends and keeping friends: Research confirms these are two areas that seem to seriously challenge children with Asperger’s.

 So says Anna Matchneva, a lecturer and one-on-one counsellor who works closely with children on the autism spectrum and their parents.

Rejected:  This is a category of children Anna often sees.  She is not referring to parental neglect, but to the playground or social setting.

The rejected child is one who tries to join a group but is denied access.

Mostly we will never know why some people choose not to be friends with us.  But totally there are things we can do differently.

For instance, we might approach a group and start talking about whatever is on our mind when really?  We need to listen.  Try to pick up on what the others are saying.  Take a little time to formulate a brief remark in line with their conversation.  Don’t try to work in your current interest.  Stick to their conversation.

But hey, that’s easy to learn, right?  Just take a little time before speaking.  Listen.  Try to understand what they’re talking about.  Not just what they’re saying, but what they mean.

 We Aspies get a little starved for attention sometimes and that can make us talk too much, too loud, too soon.  But it’s easy enough to get over those habits.

I know myself, I have to be careful not to dive hell bent for leather into a topic, completely overwhelming and boring the people who were kind enough to invite me into the group.

And anyway, not every group wants another member.  They may be having a private conversation.  They may believe they have nothing in common with you, and therefore, not see any point in trying to make friends.  Maybe they are happy just as they are.  Then you need to find someone else to talk with.

Remember, your focus can be a very good thing, even if others don’t want to share in it.  It’s similar to the single-mindedness that made Taylor Swift a star and Bill Gates a computer mogul.

Try to listen first.  Take a minute or two to find out what the group and the conversation is about.  And when you do speak, smile, keep a neutral tone, and above all, be brief!

And please note–Aspies aren’t the only people in the world who have trouble making and keeping friends.  Lots of people do!

Yours truly,

Margaret Jean

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Dec 29 2012
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Autism Spectrum

Aspie Teens–The Future Can Be Bright.

As the New Year approaches, I want to tell others out there, especially those teens with Aspergers, that life does get better.

I want you to know that although we aren’t born with the ability to learn about initiating and maintaining social relationships by observing others, it is something we can and usually do learn as we mature.

I want you to know that people do fall in love with us and stay in love, and that there are nurturing relationships ahead.

If you are an Aspie teenager, all of this may seem impossible right now, but I promise you, these things do lie ahead.  Even for you.

I know.  I am living proof.

Love you all, and pray that you have a meaningful and sociable New Year.

Yours truly,

Margaret Jean.

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Dec 16 2012
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writing on the Spectrum

Bullying at School: Any Connection to Connecticut Tragedy?

We grieve for the innocents slain in Sandy Hook.

Make no mistake about it.  Those children were NOT responsible for what happened to them.  Neither were the adults.  Adam Lanza was solely responsible.

But more and more we hear about school bullying, and as the grandparent of children with Asperger’s, I often hear first hand about bullying in schools.

My grandson was beat up at the ripe old age of six, with other children chanting, “kick him in the head! Kick him in the head!”

When he fought back, school officials forced him to apologize to the group of boys who attacked him.

This is not only the case for kids in the Autism spectrum.   A young man with Tourette’s syndrome, told me “high school was hell.”

Another grandmother told me about her grandson, Carter** now eight, who has battled cancer since the age of two.  Because he is bald most of the time, sometimes bloated from meds and treatments, he is often ostracized by his school mates.

Tiny in comparison to his tormentors, taunted and attacked, Carter fought back.  School officials insisted he apologize to the bullies.

My grandson was fortunate.  His mother decided that if things didn’t change for her son, he would most likely end up in the court system.  So she spent every day at school with him, running intervention for him at recesses and lunch time, until he went into middle school.  For most parents?  This is not an option.

In high school, he lived in a densely populated area with 3 different high schools.  When he screwed up socially so bad he hated to show up in class, he went anyway, encouraged by the fact that in the fall, he could change schools.  He did.  Three times.

For most children, this is not an option.

Most children, no matter how traumatized at school, do not go on a shooting rampage.

I cannot even imagine the emotional pain of being beaten up by your peers for 12 years with no relief in sight.  Of having to show up every day in class feeling at best, out of place, and at worst, victimized, despised and rejected.

I don’t know if this was the case with Adam?  Probably I am way off base. Reading Adam Langham’s blog on typical shooters, I believe bullying may or may not have been a factor in the situation.

As Shannon A. Thompson points out in her blog*, “Even though I personally believe we cannot logically understand the illogical (situations like this), I still think we can try and/or cope.”

There has to be some logic to these attacks and we have to figure it out before more children die.

*http://shannonathompson.com/2012/12/14/sandy-hook-elementary-school-shooting/

** not his real name.

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Dec 15 2012
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writing on the Spectrum

How to Prevent a Massacre? Somebody Needs to Figure It Out.

Twenty-seven people dead today, mostly children.  It is impossible to comprehend the horror of your small child being shot down like an animation in a video game.

Some news sources are suggesting the shooter was developmentally disabled.  (http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2248197/Sandy-Hook-elementary-shooting-29-dead-including-22-children-Connecticut-school.html)

Gun control advocate wearing badge against gun violence outside the White House. AP Photo.

How does this kind of rampage become possible???  Here are some thoughts on that:

  • Being able buy a gun, ammunition and liquor at the same checkout.

  • Playing video games 4 to 16 hours a day that feature human targets as scoring incentives.

  • Undiagnosed/untreated learning and/or emotional disabilities.

  • Lack of meaningful involvement in both household and community routine.

Or perhaps it was none of the above.

Maybe it was just the comprehension of life as another ‘game’ and the perpetrator was just looking to place as high scorer.

Interesting how these shooters include suicide in the plan.  I say ‘plan’ because what they do takes time and preparation: acquiring weaponry, ammunition.  Choosing a day, time and place, along with point of entry.  Not to mention psyching oneself up for the event.

Are there no warning signs?  No behavioural clues?

Can’t anyone tell us what to look for?

Who should have known this was about to happen?  Were his parents aware of his weapons cache?  Did people know this man was a ticking time bomb?

Is it really true that nothing can be done until somebody gets hurt??

 

 

 

 

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Dec 13 2012
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Autism Spectrum, behaviours, sexual abuse survivors, UNFORGIVING, Writing

Review: “Unforgiving: Memoir of an Asperger Teen”.

Recently at the Surrey International Writer’s Conference, I had the privilege of spending some quality time with a writer who has greatly influenced the development of my writing.

Vanessa Grant writes romance novels, but the concepts she talked about years ago at a VPL event helped me in developing every relationship in my book.

I am proud to call her a friend as well as a mentor.  Here is the review she posted after reading my memoir: Unforgiving.

Published by Vanessa Grant on

Write it forward – the best gift

 November 12, 2012 | 3 Responses

Last month when I met Margaret Jean Adam at the Surrey International Writer’s Conference (SIWC), I had no idea that she was going to give me a treasure.  When I first spotted her, she was standing behind the BC Federation of Writers’ booth at the conference. We chatted for a few minutes before she mentioned that she’d attended a workshop I gave a few years ago.

“I learned something very important from you,” she said suddenly. “You taught me that characters must experience personal growth from their relationships.”

I learned most of what I know about writing from other authors – either reading their books, or listening to them speak about writing. I love talking about storytelling, and giving the occasional workshop, so it’s a pleasure to learn that I passed on something useful, a truth I didn’t fully learn until I’d written a several books.

The next day she gave me an autographed copy of her most recent memoir: M. J. Adam’s Unforgiving – the Memoir of an Asperger Teen

I’ve  just finished reading Unforgiving, and I can tell you, M. J. Adam is one hell of a writer.

Unforgiving – the Memoir of an Asperger Teen is one of the most beautiful books I have ever read.

M. J. Adam has crafted an inspiring book, a definite must-read for anyone who has, knows, is, or was an Asperger’s teen.

I highly recommend it for anyone who cares about child survivors of any kind of trauma, and for teens struggling to understand themselves and the world they live in.

I cried when I read this memoir. I laughed. I cheered Margaret Jean’s indomitable inner strength, and felt honoured that she had shared herself so deeply with this reader.

I like to think that I write good books, and I hope they give pleasure to my readers. M. J. Adam has done something more – she’s written a great book about life and relationships and coming of age.

Unforgiving is a rare treasure.

The events that happened to Margaret Jean should never happen to any child. Yet they did happen, and the miracle is that each page of Margaret Jean’s memoir rings with love, the amazing power of healing, and the spirit of survival.

I’ve learned something important from you, M. J. Adam.

Thank you

Vanessa

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Nov 22 2012
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Autism Spectrum, behaviours

For Aspies: Friendship and The Science Behind It.

This week I will pass on a blurb from the BC Autism Society about Anna’s upcoming talk this Monday, Nov 26.

This Coming Monday: Richmond ASBC Parents Group Meeting:
“The Art of Friendship and the Science Behind It”

by Anna Matchneva, M.Ed., BCBA, PEERS-Certified instructor

Anna has extensive experience in providing hands-on therapy for children
with ASD, conducting functional assessment and developing behavior support
plans, training and supervising intervention team staff, conducting skill
assessment and developing programs that address each child’s unique needs,
developing and facilitating play and social groups, and conducting parent
and professional workshops.

Anna is a PEERS-Certified instructor, under Dr Elizabeth Laugeson from UCLA.

TOPIC:
“The Art of Friendship and the Science Behind It”

Is your child having trouble making and keeping friends? Friendships are
important in helping children develop emotionally and socially. In
interacting with friends, children learn important social skills, such as
how to communicate, cooperate, and solve problems. Some children, however,
have difficulty forming friendships. The solution: teach your children
specific social skills they need to connect with their peers. As parent, you
are the best person to help your child solve friendship problems by
expanding their peer network and working together to promote successful
get-togethers.

PEERS (Program for the Evaluation and Enrichment of Relational Skills) is a
parent-assisted intervention focusing on teens in middle school and high
school who are having difficulty making or keeping friends. It is the
developmental extension of an evidence-based program known as Children’s
Friendship Training (Frankel & Myatt, 2003). PEERS has been field tested
most extensively on teens with autism spectrum disorders (ASDs), to a
limited extent on teens with developmental disabilities and fetal alcohol
spectrum disorders (FASDs), and has recently undergone testing with teens
with attention-deficit-hyperactivity disorder (ADHD).

Date: Monday, Nov 26, 2012
Time: 7-9pm
Location: Tyee room at Steveston Community Centre – 4111 Moncton Street,
Richmond

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Oct 21 2012
4 Comments
Autism Spectrum, behaviours, pedophiles, sexual abuse, UNFORGIVING

Asperger’s at the Surrey International Writers’ Conference (SIWC)

This weekend the SIWC takes over the Sheraton Guildford, with hundreds of writers, including Asperger me, swarming the premises.  A volunteer at the Federation of BC Writers’ table, I took the opportunity to promote my book, Unforgiving, the Memoir of an Asperger Teen.  

People were frank in expressing their curiosity about Asperger’s and I was delighted to be able to clarify about and advocate for Asperger’s and Autism.

Many people have heard about Asperger’s but aren’t sure what the term implies.  Not only did people want to know what behavioural anomalies were associated with Asperger’s, but also what that might look like in a person’s life.

I explained that Asperger’s kids generally are very honest, almost unable to lie.  Deceit and manipulation are usually beyond them.  They also go largely by spoken word, and are unable to pick up on tonal variations (sarcasm, innuendo) and facial expression.

This makes these children extremely vulnerable to bullying.

At the very least, Asperger’s kids are often socially challenged, not learning how to respond to others by observing others in a social setting.  They mostly need to be taught, step by step, with the how and why of each type of social encounter.  Even then, the child may get it wrong, either because of mistaking the type of social interaction he is responding to, or because of feeling “safe” in the situation having passed the first few minutes in acceptance, and then getting it wrong beyond that point.

In my book, Unforgiving,  I show some of the blunders I made, some of the vulnerability that comes from being unable to communicate in an appropriate way both with adults and peers.  Having Asperger’s can make one a target for bullying, for pedophiles, for all sorts of difficult situations.

Keeping the lines of communication open, and understanding the syndrome is crucial to keeping your Asperger’s child safe.

I was glad for the chance to talk to people at the SIWC about Asperger’s.  Hopefully, it will make a difference, however small, in someone’s life.

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Sep 20 2012
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writing on the Spectrum

Is It Asperger’s? Or Just Me?

Seahawks Wrest Victory From Dallas Cowboys

Last Sunday was my birthday.  No, I’m not going to tell you what birthday, but it was a significant birthday.

My husband gave me the option to plan the big day.  So I did.  So Happens my birthday fell on a Sunday.

All weekend my husband was telling people, “my wife is the kind of wife other men dream about.”

So what did I plan?  A weekend in a love nest hotel?  A weekend cruise?  A Las Vegas getaway?

Not me.

Just so happens the Seattle Seahawks were playing the Dallas Cowboys that day, and I bought two tickets.  He’s a big fan.  But so am I.

I love every aspect of the game; the downs, the penalties, the passing, the missed hits, the perfect throws, the blocking, tackling, kick-offs and runbacks.

And I married the man who can explain it all, who can call the plays and explain the flags, and who understands all the nuances of the game.

Watching the Seahawks demolish Romo’s team while the fans screamed and the crowds roared made my birthday.

I’m not sure if our seats were in what my husband refers to as the “nosebleed” section, but when the paratroopers sailed over the rim of the stadium roof, we could see the whites of their eyes.

We were there, and what a thrill!  Now I ask you, is my love for football a symptom of Asperger’s?  Or is it Just Me Being Me?

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Sep 18 2012
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writing on the Spectrum

“Unforgiving” A Review From An Asperger Point of View.

This review of my book, “Unforgiving” was emailed to me from Tara, a counsellor who worked for seven years with people from diverse backgrounds with different issues and challenges.  She is now a life coach in Red Deer, Alberta.

 I love how you somehow managed to bring a lightness to some very heavy topics.

When I say “lightness” I mean that you have found a way to talk about Asperger’s, sexual abuse, and even infidelity in a way that isn’t too overwhelming or emotional to the reader. At times I felt torn because I was enjoying your story and feeling connected to Margaret’s journey but then having to remind myself that the pain and turmoil was real.

I love how you bring the reader into your world and provide a very real and honest account of how a young girl experiences sexual abuse.

Asperger’s or not, how you captured Margaret’s thoughts and feelings are bang on. Not only in the pain and confusion but also in the reactions of family. So many kids could avoid re-victimization if family listened and believed their children.

You also provided a very real account of how someone with Asperger’s operates in the world, in terms of being left out, often misunderstood, and not being able to pick up the social cues that serves to engage and protect people.

The book shows how victims of sexual abuse naturally become sexualized which then acts like a magnet to bring in more sexual predators.

When I started reading this book I couldn’t stop. I found myself trying to hurry through my responsibilities of the day so I could get back to see what was next for Margaret Jean. Like you said, I was done in 2 days.

Thank-you so much for sharing your story with me, I am truly honoured.

Tara

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Jul 10 2012
2 Comments
Autism Spectrum

Be Sociable–Pass The Baton!

The house was buzzing with conversation, so I knew everyone was chatting sociably. Being an Aspie I noticed when the buzz died down to just two voices.

Two people, fine, loving and caring people, were forcefully discussing a subject.  Even though they were mostly in agreement, they completely obliterated the table talk.   As an Aspie, I am always trying to learn from social situations, so I asked myself, how did they bring the pleasant social buzz to a dead halt?   Here is what I noticed.

  • They talked louder than necessary.

This prevented others from starting up conversations with anyone else.  It also made it easy for the eager talkers to “talk over” anyone attempting to join the conversation in normal tones.

  • They lectured, instead of conversing.

The difference is this:  when conversing, a person makes a statement and adds something to it, but then they raise a question or ask an opinion of someone else–and then listen to attentively to the response.  Two or three sentences with a question or just a plain stop, allows someone else to take up the conversation.

And what I realized?   Conversation’s like a relay–it’s not my job to carry the torch all the way to the finish line.  It’s my job to be the first to pass it on.

  • They used the social event to show how much they knew.

Whether or not that was their intent?  It was the impression I got.  You see, I heard another person tentatively offer a statement, and while he paused a moment to consider how to continue, the other two jumped in and snatched the conversation back.  He never did get another chance to contribute.

And what this means to me?  Is that the conversation wasn’t sociable. It was a platform.  The two individuals were using the conversation to show how clever they were about a subject.

Both these people are great friends and good human beings.  And I realized that both were unaware of what was happening around them.

Socializing is an interaction with other people, their ideas, interests and events. But–if you’re the only one talking, you’re like a runner in a relay race, going round and round without passing the baton.

The race is over. Your team is disappointed in your performance.  They expected to be included, to participate in a meaningful way.  Now, they are going to walk away, dismayed and determined not to have you on their team again.

 Like the runner who never passed the baton, the conversationalist who doesn’t give others a chance to talk long enough to contribute in a meaningful way to the conversation, is not likely to be welcome again.

Being sociable is as easy as passing the conversational baton–two or three sentences, acknowledge others who wish to speak, and listen attentively when they do.

Looking back, I can’t help but wonder how often I’ve been guilty of the same faux pas.  I’m sure I’m guilty of doing this on countless occasions.  The trick is, now that I know better?  I can stop myself, and draw others into the conversation..or change the topic altogether.

We keep learning, right?  That’s what we’re here for.

Love you.

Margaret Jean.

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