Jan 13 2015
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Adult Aspies and Social situations, Aspie Adventures, Aspies parenting, Aspies Socialization, Autism Spectrum, behaviours, John Robison

Aspies: Two Generations Can Have an Explosive Impact.

In a Psychology Today April 2013 article titled Father and Son, Aspies Alike author John Elder Robison describes the pitfalls of two generations under one roof having Aspergers.

His son, Jack, was fascinated by ‘energetic reactions’ in chemistry.  This meant that he liked building experimental things that depended on explosive reactions. Things like rockets. Other chemical formulations that he set to explode in the field behind their house.

John Robison knew that his son Jack was uploading instructional videos of his experiments to You Tube.  But it never occurred to him, as it might to some non-Aspie parents, that this might attract some undue attention.

In Jack’s case, it was the FBI FTA branch.

Jack was not charged with any offence and his brush with the law proved innocent enough.

But maybe it’s better when you’re seeking an outside opinion?  To ask someone who isn’t an Aspie.

John Robison’s books include Raising Cubby,  Be Different and Look Me In the Eye.  His son, Jack, along with Jack’s friends Alex Plank, founder of You Tube’s Wrong Planet, have created a series of videos about Autism issues.

Yours truly,

Margaret Jean.

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Jan 11 2015
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Adult Aspies and Social situations, Aspies Socialization

Small Talk: Three Tips For Aspies

Help!

I’m alone in a roomful of people–people I don’t know!

And I want to make a good impression.  What do I do now?

In  Unforgiving, Memoir of an Asperger Teen, I talk about the gaffs I made at a dinner especially arranged to introduce me to some theater people.  I really wish I ‘d had Dr. Carducci’s book and Jeffrey’s videos back then!  These two experts on small talk really know how to ace a social situation.

You’ve just listened to Jeffrey’s video.  He’s a guy who’s given more than 3,000 presentations and met many people.  His comfort level with strangers is very high. But even he says it takes practice.

Dr. Bernardo Carducci is head of The Shyness Institute at Indiana University South East, so he has a lot of research behind his book, The Pocket Guide to Making Successful Small Talk; How to Talk to Anyone, Anytime, Anywhere about Anything.  

Like Dr. Bernardo Carducci, Jeffrey Benjamin says step up and introduce yourself to someone standing near you.

Don’t interrupt a conversation to do that.  Just find someone who is standing alone and go for it.

This is called breaking the ice and while to an Aspie it can feel just as dangerous as falling into freezing water on the skating pond, practising this manoeuvre will make it less stressful each time.

Both experts say listen.  Listening in this sense, means being able to repeat back key phrases of what the other person has just said.

Repeating back a brief summary or phrase tells the other person you truly are listening, not just waiting for a pause in the conversation so you can jump in with your favourite topic.  Listening like this also keeps you on topic mentally.

Benjamin actually says Listen more, talk less. This is the best advice anyone can give, and probably the hardest for an Aspie to follow.  Discipline yourself.

Benjamin’s last item?  Be positive.  Dragging negativity around is not only pointless?  It’s also terribly boring.  Bring a positive attitude to the party.  After all, you got invited didn’t you?

Yours truly,

Margaret Jean.

 

 

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Jan 06 2015
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Adult Aspies and Social situations, Aspies Socialization, behaviours, UNFORGIVING

Two Big Reasons Aspies Need To Learn Small Talk

Why perfect the art of small talk?  The ability to to communicate socially on what may seem to Aspies to be the art of meaningless chit chat?

Two reasons:

First, for your physical health.  That’s right!  Dr. Dean Ornish cardiologist and author of Reversing Heart Disease says this:

“being able to initiate and maintain relationships is integral to heart health.”

He goes on to explain:  “being able to interact meaningfully in a reciprocal relationship with another human being relieves stress and the feelings of loneliness and isolation.”

Isolated?  In my book, Unforgiving, Memoir of an Asperger Teen, I show how I felt that way a lot, and how damaging it was to me socially to be unable to connect with my peer group as well as my parents and elders.  As Aspies, I’m sure we all know what those feelings are like.

And the second reason to learn small talk?  Because it’s the key that opens the door to successful social relationships.  It seems meaningless, but on the contrary: it’s important!

Small talk is the way people conversationally explore their comfort zone with the other person.

It’s where you and the other person communicate briefly about the world you both live in before deciding if it’s desirable or even safe to go into further fields of conversation.

Initially?  Keep it small, keep it light, and get connected.  Ultimately, small talk is good for the heart and good for your mental and emotional health.

Yours truly,

Margaret Jean.

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Dec 29 2014
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Aspies in the Workplace., Aspies Socialization

Aspies and Small Talk: Ellen’s Monologue and Bernardo Carducci’s Guide.

I wish I could make small talk, an Aspie recently confided to me.   

Whether we’re visiting family, in a workplace or out with friends, small talk can feel like treacherous ground for an Aspie.  In my book, Unforgiving, Memoir of an Asperger Teen, I show how impossible it was for me as a teen to make small talk with girls my age.

Nowadays there’s an excellent resource book, Dr. Bernardo Carducci’s Pocket Guide_To Making Successful Small Talk.

And the subtitle is encouraging, too: How to Talk to Anyone, Anytime, Anywhere About Anything.

Some tidbits?  Be nice but not brilliant.  You’re not trying to wow people, just converse politely.

Practice your very brief introduction speech.  Hi, I’m George and I haven’t met you yet.

Join in the conversation with a brief remark on the current topic.  If there is no topic, you are initiating conversation, current events are good.

Rather than just abruptly leaving the conversation, part with There’s someone I must speak with, please excuse me. Or, I must go, but it’s been really nice meeting you.

Get the guide!  I know it will help.

Yours truly,

Margaret Jean.

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Dec 04 2014
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Adult Aspies and Social situations, An Asperger Day

Caught Myself Asperger Talking Again…

I blew a conversation today.  You’d think at my age, I have it all figured out by now.  But I don’t.

I was in Starbucks waiting for my latte when a woman remarked that she liked my scarf.  I don’t wear them, she said, but that looks really good on you.

Thank you, I said.

So far, so good.  My latte came and I went over to the counter where they have the nutmeg, lids and other goodies.  The woman happened to be just putting the lid on her drink.

If you decide to get one for some one else, I said, and proceeded to tell her, in boring detail where the shop was, the name of the shop, how close it is to Super Store and how very inexpensive the scarves are there.

The one person I know who wears scarves, has lots, she said, and quickly left the store.

I do know how to handle a compliment.  I have told myself about a hundred times.  On the way out to the car, I reminded myself again:

If someone compliments you on something?  Just say thank you.  Leave it at that.

Unless they go on to ask you about the item.  Then, you can say one something about it.  Just two or three sentences at most.

The idea is to intrigue people into conversations.  Not trap them.

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Sep 19 2014
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Asperger's and sports

Brain Differences and Sports Ability Make Sense in ASD Kids, Grandin Says.

As a child, Grandin took years of skiing lessons without making much progress.  In her book, “The Autistic Brain” Grandin admits she was in her forties when she finally figured out what the problem was.

That’s when she found out that her cerebellum, the brain’s center for motor control co-ordination, was 20% smaller than normal.

So if your Asperger’s kid or ASD child is not good at sports, this could be the reason.  It could be that their brain has developed differently.

My daughter, Bev who has Asperger’s and is the mother of an Asperger’s child, is also a special education assistant in a high school.  Together we attended a presentation by Bill Luis, founder of the Sluis Academy located here in Vancouver BC and on the internet at http://www.sluisacademy.com/.

Luis has developed a unique sports-based therapy for ASD children, and what thrilled us about the therapy was not just the friendly, gentle and confidence building technique.

What especially impressed us was Luis’ way of helping the children learn not only how to play sports, but also how to get invited to play.

This makes Luis and his academy exceptional as far as I’m concerned, since few professionals understand that it is not only the lack of physical coordination that confounds us when it comes to sports.  The toughest concept to get is the social.  Ask any kid with ASD and I am sure he/she will tell you they are usually the last person to be picked for a team.

It’s not a fault, it’s just a challenge.

If your child wants to learn, help him.  If he dreads sports maybe his brain has something to do with it.  Why try to make a sports hero out of a doctor or scientist or library clerk or security guard?

Let your child be comfortable in his own skin.

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Sep 09 2014
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ice bucket challenge and autism

Disturbing Ice-Breaker Behaviour Targets Autistic Boy.

By now everyone has heard of the autistic boy who had a bucket of urine and feces dumped over him.  The kids told their victim he was going to be part of an ice-bucket challenge.

Imagine his thrill at being accepted.  Imagine his horror at discovering their real intentions.

This incident perfectly illustrates why older kids on the autism spectrum are paranoid and distrustful of their peers.

The fact that the perpetrators most likely will not be punished in any way is a vivid reminder of how inadequate our systems are in dealing with bullies.

And my question is this:  Why did “autistic” make the headlines, and not “sociopathic”?

Why was the stunt labelled in the terms of the victim and not the perpetrators?

Are their parents proud?  I hope not.  But honestly, I wouldn’t bet on them not being proud.

Are their school friends laughing it up?  If they are, they are more socially challenged than the victim.

The perpetrators are obviously people who lack empathy, compassion and just plain kindness.

Not the kind of people who will ever make a great community, or ever be a part of a strong and supportive society.

 

 

 

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Sep 06 2014
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Aspies Socialization, Autism Spectrum

Grandin: Understanding Individual Brain Differences Can Help Control Behaviours

You really get Temple Grandin’s enthusiasm when she talks about brain differences.  Just knowing how your brain is unusual can help people with autism better understand and control their behaviours and emotions, Grandin says in her latest book, The Autistic Brain.

She gives the example of her own brain.  For instance, the amygdala is the part of the brain that processes emotions like fear.  Just so happens, Grandin’s amygdala is enlarged.  Since this is the part of the brain that signals the fear emotion, Grandin credits this brain anomaly with her hyper anxiety.

Because she now knows that her brain construction is probably responsible for her high levels of anxiety, she finds that anxiety easier to deal with.

Grandin gives the example of students talking  under her bedroom window at night.  This creates anxiety for her regardless of whether they are talking softly or loudly.

Knowing that this state of anxiety is not caused by any real threat, she can reassure herself that the problem is not outside;  the problem lies within her brain.

She can then deal with the fact that threat is not real.  What is real?  How she feels about it.  And that she can deal with.

 

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Aug 24 2014
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Aspies in the Workplace., Aspies Socialization, Aspies volunteering, Autism Spectrum

Which is more limiting? The Autism Label? Or Our Parenting?

Temple Grandin, whom I greatly admire,  refers to parenting as a “major source of therapeutic momentum”.  But she adds, when children are diagnosed on the autism spectrum, parents may not have enough expectations for their children.

 

They bring the child through school to graduation, but in the meantime, they have not given the child the kind of experience that teaches them life skills, leaving the graduate either unemployed or under-employed.

Autistic children need to learn how to work, Grandin asserts.  They need to learn basic coping skills, like how to shop, how to order food in a restaurant.  Showing up on time, being responsible for a task outcome, these are skills that are needed in order to learn how to be on the job.

 

That’s why I personally feel that involving kids on the autism spectrum in some kind of volunteer activity, where they must show up regularly, and perform expected tasks, is invaluable to today’s kids, autistic or not.

 

As a volunteer, they must learn to be courteous (a missing factor in today’s world, Grandin laments) and to be reliable, to learn certain work routines and to cope with organizational structures.

As a volunteer, they will also meet retired people who have similar interests and who can mentor them.

The best part?  The child can choose the type of organization he/she wishes to volunteer with and select from a schedule of available days and times those which would be most suitable for them.

These kinds of situations force spectrum kids to interact with others, and Grandin says to insist on social interaction for your child is not only desirable, but necessary if you want him to succeed.

 

“The skills that people with autism bring to the table should be nurtured, for their benefit and for society’s.”  That’s why Grandin believes parents must help their children get out into the work world, learn coping skills and the basics of social etiquette.

As parents, we either help, or hinder.  While we cannot help how children are viewed by others, our most important work is in how we encourage our children to see themselves.

 

Quotes from: http://www.templegrandin.com/

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Aug 19 2014
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Aspies Socialization, Autism Spectrum, behaviours

Autism Spectrum Children Over-Protected: Temple Grandin

The main thrust of personalities on the autism spectrum is social awkwardness, Temple Grandin, an autistic scientist, best-selling author and public speaker maintains.  Her most recent book, “The Autistic Brain” is the topic of her speech available at  www.chicagohumanities.org.

“It’s like our brains have been programmed with all the social circuitry left out.” Grandin says.  “Who do you think invented the spear?”  She asks.  Certainly not those social types sitting chatting around the fire!

 

But Grandin is concerned that children today are allowed to become recluses in their bedrooms or the basement.  They are over-protected, she asserts, and as a result, they become adults on welfare sitting home playing video games.

 

Because kids on the autism spectrum are socially awkward, Parents may tend to protect them from social situations, allowing the children to avoid all participation. The problem as Grandin sees it is that as parents, we are not pushing our autistic children hard enough.  Listening, I can hear that Grandin is looking back at tasks she was made to do as a child which she dreaded at the time.  Now, however, she sees the value in her mother’s determination.

 

For instance Grandin’s mother forced Temple to play hostess at her cocktail parties, to take on family tasks and to visit relatives independently each year.  Nowadays, these daily routines are missing.  Grandin mourns the loss of paper routes which taught children how to work, and chores which taught children basic skills like cooking and sewing.  Grandin also regrets the loss in some schools woodwork and metalwork classes.  These lessons taught not only basic skills, but also practical problem solving and resourcefulness.

 

The solution?  Autistic children need their boundaries pushed.  Her message is that children need mentors and to have that, they must socialize.  Common interests are the threads that bind autistic people with others socially.  Her suggestion?  Retired people who work with the skill-sets that interest your autistic child are the kind of people who could be good mentors for your child.

 

Her talk is interesting and thought-provoking. For anyone with autism spectrum issues in the family, it is well worth the hour spent listening.  Her video is available at: http://chicagohumanities.org/events/2013/animal/temple-grandin?gclid=CjwKEAjw68ufBRDt0Zmrn4W_8AwSJADcjp1c8n1Utyy3mnJeYdd940H2AEKV1F2Imhly0MZsHZr5SxoChdfw_wcB

A shorter version can be found on You Tube at https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MWePrOuSeSY.

 

 

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