Margaret Jean
Asperger Me!
Tag Archives: social skills
The How-To Behind Friendship (Not Just For Aspies!)
Making friends and keeping friends: Research confirms these are two areas that seem to seriously challenge children with Asperger’s.
So says Anna Matchneva, a lecturer and one-on-one counsellor who works closely with children on the autism spectrum and their parents.
Rejected: This is a category of children Anna often sees. She is not referring to parental neglect, but to the playground or social setting.
The rejected child is one who tries to join a group but is denied access.
Mostly we will never know why some people choose not to be friends with us. But totally there are things we can do differently.
For instance, we might approach a group and start talking about whatever is on our mind when really? We need to listen. Try to pick up on what the others are saying. Take a little time to formulate a brief remark in line with their conversation. Don’t try to work in your current interest. Stick to their conversation.
But hey, that’s easy to learn, right? Just take a little time before speaking. Listen. Try to understand what they’re talking about. Not just what they’re saying, but what they mean.
We Aspies get a little starved for attention sometimes and that can make us talk too much, too loud, too soon. But it’s easy enough to get over those habits.
I know myself, I have to be careful not to dive hell bent for leather into a topic, completely overwhelming and boring the people who were kind enough to invite me into the group.
And anyway, not every group wants another member. They may be having a private conversation. They may believe they have nothing in common with you, and therefore, not see any point in trying to make friends. Maybe they are happy just as they are. Then you need to find someone else to talk with.
Remember, your focus can be a very good thing, even if others don’t want to share in it. It’s similar to the single-mindedness that made Taylor Swift a star and Bill Gates a computer mogul.
Try to listen first. Take a minute or two to find out what the group and the conversation is about. And when you do speak, smile, keep a neutral tone, and above all, be brief!
And please note–Aspies aren’t the only people in the world who have trouble making and keeping friends. Lots of people do!
Yours truly,
Margaret Jean
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Happiness: Social Skills or Compassion?
In one large survey, one fourth of U.S. adults reported that they had felt extremely lonely at least once within the previous two weeks.
This quote’s from the Dalai Lama’s book The Art of Happiness (p.70). Talking about causes of loneliness, co-author Howard C. Cutler cites studies that show that loneliness can arise from several sources, one of which is the inability to pick up conversational cues: knowing when to nod, to respond appropriately, or to remain silent.
Cutler says this research suggests improving social skills should therefore be a good strategy for overcoming loneliness. However, the Dalai Lama suggests a different approach.
Develop Compassion, is the simple message of this sage. Recognize your interconnectedness with the world and you will be grateful for all that you have and do and are.
Cutler states he had always felt pride in his independence, in not needing anyone’s help to sustain him. But when he thought about how many people were involved in providing an article as simple as his shirt, he began to see a new world vision.
He thought of the farmer who grew the cotton. The person who sold the farmer his tractor. The many people involved in the manufacture of the tractor, the repair and maintenance of it, even the people who mined the ore that made the metal parts on the tractor, and the designers of the tractor. He thought about the weavers of the cloth, the people who cut and sewed the fabric, who colored it. The cargo workers and truck drivers who got the shirt to the store. The many clerks and administrators in the store.
Cutler realized then that “virtually every aspect of my life came about as the results of others’ efforts. My precious self-reliance was a complete illusion.”
Something I’m sure, for every Aspie to think deeply about. Would this be a good exercise? When you are feeling isolated? Just take a simple object and spend a few minutes considering how many people it took to put it in your hand.
Karl Marx said that one of the tragedies of modern society was the distancing of the producer from the product. How isolated it made both the producer and the consumer feel. It seems the Dalai Lama would agree.
Yours truly,
Margaret Jean.
Margaret Jean 