Adult Aspies and Social situations, anxiety, Asperger's diagnosis, Asperger's research, camouflaging & autism

My Asperger Personality Unmasked.

Research published online on May 19, 2017 examines the notion that Aspies and others on the spectrum camouflage their autistic personalities in order to manage social situations.

The study entitled, “Putting on My Best Normal”: Social Camouflaging in Adults with Autism Spectrum Conditions* looks at a number of issues ranging from:

why females in particular are often diagnosed later in life,
if the fact that so few females are diagnosed is due to the feminine personality being more successful at camouflaging, and
that perhaps camouflaging can be detrimental to our mental health.

Before I read the study, I wrote this blog in an explosive mood after experiencing severe anxieties about taking a bath. I didn’t post it because I was afraid of what my partner would think if he read it.

**After what I read in the study, I realized that by not showing him the blog I was camouflaging, masking my anxiety–though honestly, not very well.**

Why did I take a bath? Because it’s such a normal thing to do, and I felt that I must be weird to be so resistant to sitting in a tub.

What follows in the resulting blog are my true feelings about the situation. Looking at it now that a little time has passed, I realize that while some of the blog sounds reasonable, logical and fairly intelligent, other aspects simply seem to be the rantings of an angry child.

Here it is then, one Asperger personality, my own, unmasked and unleashed!

The Bath: A Source of Anxiety for Asperger Me.

As an Aspie, maintaining a relationship can be a challenge.

My partner thinks of baths as sensual, delightful, peaceful and meditative experiences. Candles, essential oils, music, time for reflection.

There is no music in my bathroom, I told him.

To break the ensuing period of uncomfortable silence, I spoke up. I said Baths are boring. Which, granted, was probably rather inconsiderate. That’s when he brought up the essential oils, candlelight, reflection etc.

You have to sit there. I said. Doing nothing.

People who take baths seem to think that to truly enjoy bathing you have to sit in the water … like forever. I am not tall, but my chest is always out of the water. It gets cold. I soak a cloth in the warm bath water, but it quickly gets cold too.

I could catch a chest cold. Not to mention the other alternative: die of boredom.

You haven’t learned how to let go, he says. How to be one with the water, breathe in the aroma of the oil, enjoy the sensual texture of the water against your skin.

It’s tap water, okay? Tap water.

You want me to be at one with the water? Take me to a warm ocean, where the air is fresh and salty, the water buoyant and in constant motion. My body, floating, swaying with the sea, caught up in the ebb and flow, me at one with the sea responding to the universe. Now that rocks! Moving in tune with the moon’s gravitational pull … that’s a sensual, soul-saturating sense of unity.

But a four-foot tub filled with tap water? Come on!

You have to learn to relax, he says. He means be STILL. Unfortunately to actually be still is a physical impossibility for me.

I have a familial tremor, which means my body is in constant motion whether I am consciously moving it or not. It also means my adrenalin is always, to some extent in fight or flight mode, under which circumstances, unless I’m sleeping or comatose, it is pretty much anxiety-producing to be still.

But okay. I had a bath. I believe I stayed in that tub for ten whole minutes. Maybe eleven.

Because I know it’s important to him. I just don’t know why it’s important to him that I have a bath. I shower every day. Sometimes twice a day. I’m a bit of a clean freak. But it’s important to him that I try, so I’ll fill the tub, light the candles and sit there as long as I can bear it.

Next time? If he brings in a portable CD player and puts on some Celtic music, I’m going for twelve minutes.

*More about this study can be found at: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5509825/

Tagged anxiety, Asperger's, relationships

Dec 16 2018

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Adult Aspies and Social situations, Aspies Socialization, Aspies volunteering

Social Context: Finding & Attracting Genuine Friends with Common Interests.

When making new friendships it is important to be seen and to see others in context.

Consider how you wish to be seen. Is it sitting alone in Starbucks? Probably not.

A richer context for making connections is likely to exist in areas where you are fully engaged: when you are at the community centre doing volunteer work or at college taking classes or in your town, taking a tour of the art gallery, a historic part of town, or of the local flora and fauna.

People you meet while working in a community garden or volunteering at your local wildlife refuge or animal shelter are likely to be interesting, active and involved people who may make excellent friends.

The same could be true of those people you’d meet as a regular participant in a church group or continuing education classes or neighborhood events.

People need to know who you are and what is important to you and being alone in Starbucks may imply a story of vulnerability, isolation and aloofness.

I am guessing that is not what you want to convey; not what you are about!

Seeing others in context is equally important. If you do not meet someone in the course of a group activity, you may be missing several important clues about them: how well do they relate to others? Are they compassionate? Funny? Kind? Critical? Irritating?

Is their outlook mostly negative? Or is it mainly positive? Are they friendly and welcoming? Are they impatient with others who may have difficulty understanding instructions or performing certain tasks?

These questions can more easily be answered within the context of a social gathering. When we are always alone there are fewer clues about who we are.

Explore your interests and your options to find a social context—a club, committee or group of real live people that you can join.

By giving yourself a social context which honestly conveys what you value to others, you increase the reliability of their estimation of who you are and of interests you may have in common.

Tagged friendship, relationships, social context

Jul 29 2018

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Adult Aspies and Social situations, Aspies and job interviews, Aspies in the Workplace., writing on the Spectrum

The One That Got Away: An Aspie’s Sales Nightmare

When a topic fascinates us, we Aspies can talk for hours.

Unfortunately, speaking in itself, does not constitute a conversation.

It is listening to someone else and then responding to their information that allows for an exchange of ideas.

This can be a hard lesson for us Aspies to learn.

I once had a book published on tax; on money that people receive when they are downsized and what happens to them tax-wise when they do. I called it Jack and Stanley’s Buyout Adventure.

A human resource manager called. He had read the book and wondered if I would come and talk to him about doing seminars for his employees. He worked for a mining company and the mine was shutting down.

I drove all the way up to Logan Lake from the coast and met a very pleasant man. One who told me he had read the book all the way through just to find out what happened to Jack and Stanley in the end.

That book, as well as being about income tax, was also my first published attempt at characterization and I was flattered to hear it so well received.

In response, I spoke for what seems in retrospect, an hour without once asking him what he and the employees needed.

I’ve been over it a thousand times in my mind. What would a better approach have been?

Maybe something like this: Hello, my name is Margaret and I am thrilled you like my book, Now, what is it you have in mind? How do you see me working with your employees during this closure?

That would have shown a real interest in his dilemma as a human resource person, and also illustrated the fact that I wasn’t just there to tout my book, but rather to be a real help to these men who were being laid off.

Instead, with his encouraging first remarks, I launched into a long history of the book and how it came to be and what it meant to me. I doubt I let him get in a single word.

Needless to say, I did not get the opportunity to give any seminars. Instead, I got to drive all the way back home again, berating myself for a personality flaw that I knew only too well; one that I vowed to work hard to conquer.

In a way, that day was a gift. One from which I have benefitted over and over. It taught me a lesson: It is never just about me. A fruitful conversation always includes others, and that requires not so much talking, as truly listening.

I do hope this helps you.

Yours truly,

Margaret Jean.

Tagged Listening to get the job, Sales and stress

Apr 04 2018

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Adult Aspies and Social situations, anxiety, Aspergers Reading Resources, Aspies Socialization

Hey, Aspies! Here’s the Key to Social Connections.

Do you often feel like an outsider? Unable to connect in a meaningful way with others? In my book, Unforgiving, Memoir of an Asperger Teen, I talk about how, as a teenage girl, “the entire female species was as foreign to me as a zebra to a long-horned steer.”

Fortunately, early in my adult life I found Dale Carnegie’s book, How to Win Friends and Influence People. I strongly suggest you find a copy and read it. His main lesson for social success is simply to get other people to talk about themselves while you actively listen.

And you may be surprised to learn that just being quiet while someone else is talking doesn’t mean you’re listening. Really hearing what the other person is saying is the key to social connection.

This is especially true for us Aspies, because real interest happens only when we allow someone else into our neural space. For me, this can only happen when I shut up and listen.

Only then can I ‘get’ everything the other person is communicating.

For instance, if the other person is speaking about the weather, or their vacation, that’s probably a good indication that, at this particular time, they don’t want to hear about world affairs, software engineering or other complex subjects with which you may be currently obsessed.

And if you think you may like to get to know this person, you need to keep the conversation on their level. You need to ask specific questions related to what they’ve just told you, and you need to do so in a way that expresses your understanding and interest.

Some people are lonely because they haven’t learned to listen. They believe they are right–more intelligent, educated or experienced–and they bully their way through conversations, correcting people, and boring everyone with what they know on the topic. Sound familiar?

This conversational hi-jacking impresses no-one. The fact that these people are knowledgeable, intelligent, highly educated and/or experienced in their field may be both true and appreciated. But it does not override the other person’s need to be recognized.

We all enter into conversations to feel validated. And if that validation doesn’t occur, the brilliant intellectual is going to find himself or herself alone in a room full of uninterested people.

Listen. But do not stand quietly waiting to say what you have to say. Actively engage the other person while being polite, and attentive. Take care to address what they are saying.

You want attention, right? So does the person speaking with you!

And if they really have nothing to say that interests you, excuse yourself politely and move on. Do not be rudely dismissive. Everyone wants and needs to feel important. It is not always all about us.

Tagged conversational bullying, small talk

Nov 28 2017

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Adult Aspies and Social situations, anxiety, UNFORGIVING

The Christmas Party: An Aspie’s Dread

In Unforgiving, Memoir of an Asperger Teen, I am the only person in my entire class who is not invited to the class party.

Yes, it happens, and somehow, we survive. Obviously, I had no gift for social interaction.

But one thing Aspies are good at is learning, and our ability to learn and acquire social skills is key to our enjoyment of the world around us.

And, it’s Christmas. If you’re lucky enough to be invited to a Christmas party, or maybe you just end up there by default–it’s an office thing and you can’t avoid it–wouldn’t it be nice to be able to relax and enjoy the moment?

Knowing some of the basic behaviours and unwritten rules that others take for granted have really helped me since that day of the big un-invite.

Let’s consider the office party.

First of all, I’ve been told that it’s rude to not show up. It could count against you. However, it is not impolite to come a bit late and leave early on, but if you arrive closer to the start time (say, 15-20 minutes after) people may not have clustered into cliques and you might find making and joining conversations easier.

Here are some conversation starters from the November, 2017 issue of Canadian Living Magazine:
- Do you have any plans for the holidays? Are you travelling?
- What were your favourite holiday traditions when you were growing up?
- Tell me about a book that has had a huge influence on you.

Be sure to see your bosses: your supervisor, the manager and/or the department head before you leave. “Thank you.” And “It’s been a pleasure working with you this year.” are some things you might say.

Leaving early? Even though the office party may be a high anxiety event for you, try to wait until someone else has already left before saying your goodbyes. If it’s conspicuously early, you may say you have another commitment. But if it’s curling up with your cat to watch a good movie, it may be wise to refrain from saying so!

I do hope this helps. Thankfully, my social life has improved immensely. And believe me, yours can, too!

Yours truly,

Margaret Jean

Tagged Aspies Social Anxiety, Party manners

Nov 04 2017

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Adult Aspies and Social situations, Aspies Entertainment, Autism Spectrum, UNFORGIVING

Aspie’s Entertainment: Vancouver

If you’ve read my book, Unforgiving, Memoir of an Asperger Teen, you know that I once aspired to become an actress. Nowadays that aspiration has been downsized to being part of an audience.

But, hey, wouldn’t it be great to see a film that’s not only about people with Autism but which also features actors living on the spectrum in the leading roles?

Here’s your opportunity! Keep the Change is currently being screened in the Jewish Film Festival in Vancouver, BC.

It’s true that it’s too late for the November 2nd screening but how about showing up on November 12th? Maybe I’ll see you there!

Yours truly,

Margaret Jean.

‘Keep the Change’

A New York romantic comedy pairing a Jewish couple with autism played in fact by actors on the spectrum. Columbia MFA alumni Rachel Israel’s labour of love is a tour-de-force story about the high-functioning judgmental David and the outgoing Sarah.

From their meet-cute at a Jewish Community Centre program, the pair shares abundant chemistry and surmounts concrete obstacles. The lovers demolish assumptions of otherness, of living with learning disabilities and autism, while propelling a universal and touching story.

Keep The Change

Thursday, November 2 at 7PM

Fifth Avenue Cinemas (19+)

Buy Tickets: https://www.goelevent.com/VJFF/e/KeepTheChangeGala

Keep The Change (Second Screening)

Sunday, November 12 at 10AM (All ages) Norman and Annette Rothstein

Theatre at JCCGV Buy Tickets:

https://www.goelevent.com/VJFF/e/KeepTheChangeRepeat

Tagged Asperger's and social relations, relationships

Aug 04 2017

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Adult Aspies and Social situations, Aspies and Love

Aspies in Relationships

Recently, while reading a Sydney Holmes’ article, one sentence really struck home: I don’t know what it feels like to be relaxed.

A few days ago when my partner and my son-in-law were comparing notes on what it’s like to be in a relationship with an Aspie, a story about a bath experience triggered instant recognition and laughter.

The story is this: A bath was lovingly prepared by the non Aspie partner. He ran the water, perfumed it with beautifully scented oils, and placed candles all around the tub.

“Just relax in the tub while I make dinner,” the spouse said with a loving smile, fully anticipating that his Aspie love would be soaking for at least an hour.

“Six minutes later, she’s back in the kitchen!”

Personally, I cannot imagine being in the bath for more than ten minutes. What do you DO in a bathtub for more than ten minutes? In my experience you feel the water getting colder and your skin wrinkling like a prune. What’s to enjoy?

My Aspie daughter and I share many similar traits which help us comprehend how we differ from much of the rest of society. But our spouses don’t have the same advantage and thus can find understanding our thought processes quite a chore.

It takes a lot of love and understanding to recognize our rationale sometimes. The great news is that it does seem we’re worth it!

Recently I came across several books on Aspie and non-Aspie relationships. My preview of them indicates they could all be both interesting and helpful:

Alone Together: Making An Asperger Marriage Work. by Katrin Bentley.

Loving Someone with Asperger’s Syndrome: Understanding and Connecting with Your Partner. by Cindy Ariel PhD.

The Journal of Best Practices: A Memoir of Marriage, Asperger’s Syndrome, and One Man’s Quest to be a Better Husband. by David Finch.

Asperger’s Syndrome and Long Term Relationship. by Ashley Stanford.

Our Socially Awkward Marriage: Stories from an Asperger Relationship. by Tom and Linda Peters (Kindle)

You can find these and other helpful titles by going to Amazon books and searching “Asperger’s”.

I am sure there is a lot of help in terms of shared experiences in these books, so why not take advantage!

Yours truly,

Margaret Jean.

Sydney Holmes quote came from an article in Autism Parenting Magazine, Sept 22, 2015: https://www.autismparentingmagazine.com/dear-teacher-sure-fire-ways-you-can-help-asd-kids/

Tagged relationships

Apr 24 2017

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Adult Aspies and Social situations, Aspies in the Workplace., Aspies Socialization

Aspies: How to Make Your Point Politely.

“No!” I blurted out.

The professor and the other students in the class stared at me, appalled. In true Aspie style, I had directly expressed my complete and total disagreement with the lecturer’s statement.

Fortunately, that professor was open-minded and willing to listen to counter-statements, but in many classes that outburst would have netted me a failing mark for the semester. People in general, and especially those in positions of authority like professors and managers, supervisors and bosses often do not like to hear dissenting opinions.

As Aspies, while we need not ever remain silent when we have an opinion which we wish to express, it is important that we express it in a manner which is most likely to be effective.

Consider this: If your response is considered confrontational, it is likely that the listener will simply shut down and shut you out. Would it not be more advantageous to encourage the listener to engage in dialogue with you?

So what is the most effective way of NOT agreeing with someone’s statement, and at the same time putting forward your own questions about their position?

A friend of mine, when he was in university learned to say, “It seems to me…” This allowed him to advance his own opinion without either directly agreeing or disagreeing. The beauty of this opening is that it allows for the advancing of a personal point of view along with evidence that backs up that point of view, in a non-threatening fashion.

“It became a sort of a trademark of mine,” he said. “And it helped me navigate my way through some pretty touchy conversations.”

I have also heard of a very successful person who, when questioning practices in the workplace, would use lead-ins such as “I wonder…” and “I’ve noticed…”

This is a far less abrasive approach than exclaiming “No!”, or saying something like “Why do you do it that way?” or “Shouldn’t you …?” Both of which are considered excessively confrontational by non-Aspies. (Go figure!)

When you convey your position in a non-threatening fashion it allows the listener to ask to have it clarified, to assimilate it, consider it, and perhaps ultimately, even to change their position.

Score one for the Aspies!

Yours truly,

Margaret Jean.

Tagged Asperger's communication problems, Aspie Teens & friends, Non-confrontational discussion, social skills

Jan 10 2017

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Adult Aspies and Social situations, Aspies in the Workplace., Aspies Socialization

Aspies: Five Words That Can Create the Wrong Impression.

In my book, Unforgiving, Memoir of an Asperger’s Teen, I relate how I was often blasted for saying what I thought was expected of me!

Feelings of inadequacy don’t go away easily, so I’m always on the lookout for advice—especially advice related to conversing. Here according to leadership coach Lolly Daskal of Inc.com in New York City, are five words to avoid:

Won’t: When you say that something won’t work it conveys a defeatist attitude. Instead say something like, I have some concerns; let’s work through them.

Maybe: Saying maybe gives the impression of an inability or unwillingness to commit, (not good) and may signify a lack of intention or direction to your listener. A better approach, if you have reservations? I’d like to hear (or see) more details first.

Sorry: This is the perfect word if you have an apology to make. But if you’re asking for something? Sorry does not belong. Phrase your request without apology.

Just: When you say, I’m just concerned… you may sound tentative, even apologetic to the listener. You will come across as much stronger and more confident if you say, I’m concerned….

Usually: This is a word that not only lacks energy, but indicates resistance to change (not that we know anything about that, right Aspies? A friend bought me a charming new hat and was disappointed when I would not wear it. I told him Aspies need time to get used to new things. We need to have it around for awhile before we can deal with it emotionally. The same applies to ideas, changes in schedule, routine, proposed menu—you name it!) So, watch out for the word It will give us away in the twinkling of its four syllables. Instead, gather up your courage and say something like, Let’s give it a try. And mean it.

Aspies, I admire each and every one of you. Thank you so much for following my blog. I’d love to get your input on my posts, so don’t be shy about commenting!

Remember, just getting up each day and going through the motions is important. Even more important? Having a purpose. Read next week’s blog to learn more about that.

Yours truly,

Margaret Jean Adam.

This blog is from material published in January 9, 2017 Financial Post Column by Rick Spence, Free Advice to Live By.

Tagged Asperger's communication problems, Aspies conversational skills

Asperger Me!

Category Archives: Adult Aspies and Social situations

Research published online on May 19, 2017 examines the notion that Aspies and others on the spectrum camouflage their autistic personalities in order to manage social situations.

The study entitled, “Putting on My Best Normal”: Social Camouflaging in Adults with Autism Spectrum Conditions* looks at a number of issues ranging from:

why females in particular are often diagnosed later in life,

if the fact that so few females are diagnosed is due to the feminine personality being more successful at camouflaging, and

that perhaps camouflaging can be detrimental to our mental health.

Before I read the study, I wrote this blog in an explosive mood after experiencing severe anxieties about taking a bath. I didn’t post it because I was afraid of what my partner would think if he read it.

After what I read in the study, I realized that by not showing him the blog I was camouflaging, masking my anxiety–though honestly, not very well.

Why did I take a bath? Because it’s such a normal thing to do, and I felt that I must be weird to be so resistant to sitting in a tub.

What follows in the resulting blog are my true feelings about the situation. Looking at it now that a little time has passed, I realize that while some of the blog sounds reasonable, logical and fairly intelligent, other aspects simply seem to be the rantings of an angry child.

Here it is then, one Asperger personality, my own, unmasked and unleashed!

The Bath: A Source of Anxiety for Asperger Me.

As an Aspie, maintaining a relationship can be a challenge.

My partner thinks of baths as sensual, delightful, peaceful and meditative experiences. Candles, essential oils, music, time for reflection.

There is no music in my bathroom, I told him.

To break the ensuing period of uncomfortable silence, I spoke up. I said Baths are boring. Which, granted, was probably rather inconsiderate. That’s when he brought up the essential oils, candlelight, reflection etc.

You have to sit there. I said. Doing nothing.

People who take baths seem to think that to truly enjoy bathing you have to sit in the water … like forever. I am not tall, but my chest is always out of the water. It gets cold. I soak a cloth in the warm bath water, but it quickly gets cold too.

I could catch a chest cold. Not to mention the other alternative: die of boredom.

You haven’t learned how to let go, he says. How to be one with the water, breathe in the aroma of the oil, enjoy the sensual texture of the water against your skin.

It’s tap water, okay? Tap water.

But a four-foot tub filled with tap water? Come on!

You have to learn to relax, he says. He means be STILL. Unfortunately to actually be still is a physical impossibility for me.

I have a familial tremor, which means my body is in constant motion whether I am consciously moving it or not. It also means my adrenalin is always, to some extent in fight or flight mode, under which circumstances, unless I’m sleeping or comatose, it is pretty much anxiety-producing to be still.

But okay. I had a bath. I believe I stayed in that tub for ten whole minutes. Maybe eleven.

Next time? If he brings in a portable CD player and puts on some Celtic music, I’m going for twelve minutes.

*More about this study can be found at: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5509825/

Share this:

When making new friendships it is important to be seen and to see others in context.

Consider how you wish to be seen. Is it sitting alone in Starbucks? Probably not.

A richer context for making connections is likely to exist in areas where you are fully engaged: when you are at the community centre doing volunteer work or at college taking classes or in your town, taking a tour of the art gallery, a historic part of town, or of the local flora and fauna.

People you meet while working in a community garden or volunteering at your local wildlife refuge or animal shelter are likely to be interesting, active and involved people who may make excellent friends.

The same could be true of those people you’d meet as a regular participant in a church group or continuing education classes or neighborhood events.

People need to know who you are and what is important to you and being alone in Starbucks may imply a story of vulnerability, isolation and aloofness.

I am guessing that is not what you want to convey; not what you are about!

Seeing others in context is equally important. If you do not meet someone in the course of a group activity, you may be missing several important clues about them: how well do they relate to others? Are they compassionate? Funny? Kind? Critical? Irritating?

Is their outlook mostly negative? Or is it mainly positive? Are they friendly and welcoming? Are they impatient with others who may have difficulty understanding instructions or performing certain tasks?

These questions can more easily be answered within the context of a social gathering. When we are always alone there are fewer clues about who we are.

Explore your interests and your options to find a social context—a club, committee or group of real live people that you can join.

By giving yourself a social context which honestly conveys what you value to others, you increase the reliability of their estimation of who you are and of interests you may have in common.

Share this:

When a topic fascinates us, we Aspies can talk for hours.

Unfortunately, speaking in itself, does not constitute a conversation.

It is listening to someone else and then responding to their information that allows for an exchange of ideas.

This can be a hard lesson for us Aspies to learn.

I once had a book published on tax; on money that people receive when they are downsized and what happens to them tax-wise when they do. I called it Jack and Stanley’s Buyout Adventure.

A human resource manager called. He had read the book and wondered if I would come and talk to him about doing seminars for his employees. He worked for a mining company and the mine was shutting down.

I drove all the way up to Logan Lake from the coast and met a very pleasant man. One who told me he had read the book all the way through just to find out what happened to Jack and Stanley in the end.

That book, as well as being about income tax, was also my first published attempt at characterization and I was flattered to hear it so well received.

In response, I spoke for what seems in retrospect, an hour without once asking him what he and the employees needed.

I’ve been over it a thousand times in my mind. What would a better approach have been?

Maybe something like this: Hello, my name is Margaret and I am thrilled you like my book, Now, what is it you have in mind? How do you see me working with your employees during this closure?

That would have shown a real interest in his dilemma as a human resource person, and also illustrated the fact that I wasn’t just there to tout my book, but rather to be a real help to these men who were being laid off.

Instead, with his encouraging first remarks, I launched into a long history of the book and how it came to be and what it meant to me. I doubt I let him get in a single word.

Needless to say, I did not get the opportunity to give any seminars. Instead, I got to drive all the way back home again, berating myself for a personality flaw that I knew only too well; one that I vowed to work hard to conquer.

In a way, that day was a gift. One from which I have benefitted over and over. It taught me a lesson: It is never just about me. A fruitful conversation always includes others, and that requires not so much talking, as truly listening.

I do hope this helps you.

Yours truly,

Margaret Jean.

Share this:

Do you often feel like an outsider? Unable to connect in a meaningful way with others? In my book, Unforgiving, Memoir of an Asperger Teen, I talk about how, as a teenage girl, “the entire female species was as foreign to me as a zebra to a long-horned steer.”

Fortunately, early in my adult life I found Dale Carnegie’s book, How to Win Friends and Influence People. I strongly suggest you find a copy and read it. His main lesson for social success is simply to get other people to talk about themselves while you actively listen.

And you may be surprised to learn that just being quiet while someone else is talking doesn’t mean you’re listening. Really hearing what the other person is saying is the key to social connection.

This is especially true for us Aspies, because real interest happens only when we allow someone else into our neural space. For me, this can only happen when I shut up and listen.

Only then can I ‘get’ everything the other person is communicating.

For instance, if the other person is speaking about the weather, or their vacation, that’s probably a good indication that, at this particular time, they don’t want to hear about world affairs, software engineering or other complex subjects with which you may be currently obsessed.

And if you think you may like to get to know this person, you need to keep the conversation on their level. You need to ask specific questions related to what they’ve just told you, and you need to do so in a way that expresses your understanding and interest.

Some people are lonely because they haven’t learned to listen. They believe they are right–more intelligent, educated or experienced–and they bully their way through conversations, correcting people, and boring everyone with what they know on the topic. Sound familiar?

This conversational hi-jacking impresses no-one. The fact that these people are knowledgeable, intelligent, highly educated and/or experienced in their field may be both true and appreciated. But it does not override the other person’s need to be recognized.

We all enter into conversations to feel validated. And if that validation doesn’t occur, the brilliant intellectual is going to find himself or herself alone in a room full of uninterested people.

Listen. But do not stand quietly waiting to say what you have to say. Actively engage the other person while being polite, and attentive. Take care to address what they are saying.

You want attention, right? So does the person speaking with you!

And if they really have nothing to say that interests you, excuse yourself politely and move on. Do not be rudely dismissive. Everyone wants and needs to feel important. It is not always all about us.

Share this:

In Unforgiving, Memoir of an Asperger Teen, I am the only person in my entire class who is not invited to the class party.

Yes, it happens, and somehow, we survive. Obviously, I had no gift for social interaction.

But one thing Aspies are good at is learning, and our ability to learn and acquire social skills is key to our enjoyment of the world around us.

And, it’s Christmas. If you’re lucky enough to be invited to a Christmas party, or maybe you just end up there by default–it’s an office thing and you can’t avoid it–wouldn’t it be nice to be able to relax and enjoy the moment?

Knowing some of the basic behaviours and unwritten rules that others take for granted have really helped me since that day of the big un-invite.

**After what I read in the study, I realized that by not showing him the blog I was camouflaging, masking my anxiety–though honestly, not very well.**