Tag Archives: Asperger’s

Jan 09 2013
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Autism Spectrum, behaviours

The How-To Behind Friendship (Not Just For Aspies!)

Making friends and keeping friends: Research confirms these are two areas that seem to seriously challenge children with Asperger’s.

 So says Anna Matchneva, a lecturer and one-on-one counsellor who works closely with children on the autism spectrum and their parents.

Rejected:  This is a category of children Anna often sees.  She is not referring to parental neglect, but to the playground or social setting.

The rejected child is one who tries to join a group but is denied access.

Mostly we will never know why some people choose not to be friends with us.  But totally there are things we can do differently.

For instance, we might approach a group and start talking about whatever is on our mind when really?  We need to listen.  Try to pick up on what the others are saying.  Take a little time to formulate a brief remark in line with their conversation.  Don’t try to work in your current interest.  Stick to their conversation.

But hey, that’s easy to learn, right?  Just take a little time before speaking.  Listen.  Try to understand what they’re talking about.  Not just what they’re saying, but what they mean.

 We Aspies get a little starved for attention sometimes and that can make us talk too much, too loud, too soon.  But it’s easy enough to get over those habits.

I know myself, I have to be careful not to dive hell bent for leather into a topic, completely overwhelming and boring the people who were kind enough to invite me into the group.

And anyway, not every group wants another member.  They may be having a private conversation.  They may believe they have nothing in common with you, and therefore, not see any point in trying to make friends.  Maybe they are happy just as they are.  Then you need to find someone else to talk with.

Remember, your focus can be a very good thing, even if others don’t want to share in it.  It’s similar to the single-mindedness that made Taylor Swift a star and Bill Gates a computer mogul.

Try to listen first.  Take a minute or two to find out what the group and the conversation is about.  And when you do speak, smile, keep a neutral tone, and above all, be brief!

And please note–Aspies aren’t the only people in the world who have trouble making and keeping friends.  Lots of people do!

Yours truly,

Margaret Jean

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Dec 29 2012
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Autism Spectrum

Aspie Teens–The Future Can Be Bright.

As the New Year approaches, I want to tell others out there, especially those teens with Aspergers, that life does get better.

I want you to know that although we aren’t born with the ability to learn about initiating and maintaining social relationships by observing others, it is something we can and usually do learn as we mature.

I want you to know that people do fall in love with us and stay in love, and that there are nurturing relationships ahead.

If you are an Aspie teenager, all of this may seem impossible right now, but I promise you, these things do lie ahead.  Even for you.

I know.  I am living proof.

Love you all, and pray that you have a meaningful and sociable New Year.

Yours truly,

Margaret Jean.

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Dec 13 2012
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Autism Spectrum, behaviours, sexual abuse survivors, UNFORGIVING, Writing

Review: “Unforgiving: Memoir of an Asperger Teen”.

Recently at the Surrey International Writer’s Conference, I had the privilege of spending some quality time with a writer who has greatly influenced the development of my writing.

Vanessa Grant writes romance novels, but the concepts she talked about years ago at a VPL event helped me in developing every relationship in my book.

I am proud to call her a friend as well as a mentor.  Here is the review she posted after reading my memoir: Unforgiving.

Published by Vanessa Grant on

Write it forward – the best gift

 November 12, 2012 | 3 Responses

Last month when I met Margaret Jean Adam at the Surrey International Writer’s Conference (SIWC), I had no idea that she was going to give me a treasure.  When I first spotted her, she was standing behind the BC Federation of Writers’ booth at the conference. We chatted for a few minutes before she mentioned that she’d attended a workshop I gave a few years ago.

“I learned something very important from you,” she said suddenly. “You taught me that characters must experience personal growth from their relationships.”

I learned most of what I know about writing from other authors – either reading their books, or listening to them speak about writing. I love talking about storytelling, and giving the occasional workshop, so it’s a pleasure to learn that I passed on something useful, a truth I didn’t fully learn until I’d written a several books.

The next day she gave me an autographed copy of her most recent memoir: M. J. Adam’s Unforgiving – the Memoir of an Asperger Teen

I’ve  just finished reading Unforgiving, and I can tell you, M. J. Adam is one hell of a writer.

Unforgiving – the Memoir of an Asperger Teen is one of the most beautiful books I have ever read.

M. J. Adam has crafted an inspiring book, a definite must-read for anyone who has, knows, is, or was an Asperger’s teen.

I highly recommend it for anyone who cares about child survivors of any kind of trauma, and for teens struggling to understand themselves and the world they live in.

I cried when I read this memoir. I laughed. I cheered Margaret Jean’s indomitable inner strength, and felt honoured that she had shared herself so deeply with this reader.

I like to think that I write good books, and I hope they give pleasure to my readers. M. J. Adam has done something more – she’s written a great book about life and relationships and coming of age.

Unforgiving is a rare treasure.

The events that happened to Margaret Jean should never happen to any child. Yet they did happen, and the miracle is that each page of Margaret Jean’s memoir rings with love, the amazing power of healing, and the spirit of survival.

I’ve learned something important from you, M. J. Adam.

Thank you

Vanessa

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Oct 21 2012
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Autism Spectrum, behaviours, pedophiles, sexual abuse, UNFORGIVING

Asperger’s at the Surrey International Writers’ Conference (SIWC)

This weekend the SIWC takes over the Sheraton Guildford, with hundreds of writers, including Asperger me, swarming the premises.  A volunteer at the Federation of BC Writers’ table, I took the opportunity to promote my book, Unforgiving, the Memoir of an Asperger Teen.  

People were frank in expressing their curiosity about Asperger’s and I was delighted to be able to clarify about and advocate for Asperger’s and Autism.

Many people have heard about Asperger’s but aren’t sure what the term implies.  Not only did people want to know what behavioural anomalies were associated with Asperger’s, but also what that might look like in a person’s life.

I explained that Asperger’s kids generally are very honest, almost unable to lie.  Deceit and manipulation are usually beyond them.  They also go largely by spoken word, and are unable to pick up on tonal variations (sarcasm, innuendo) and facial expression.

This makes these children extremely vulnerable to bullying.

At the very least, Asperger’s kids are often socially challenged, not learning how to respond to others by observing others in a social setting.  They mostly need to be taught, step by step, with the how and why of each type of social encounter.  Even then, the child may get it wrong, either because of mistaking the type of social interaction he is responding to, or because of feeling “safe” in the situation having passed the first few minutes in acceptance, and then getting it wrong beyond that point.

In my book, Unforgiving,  I show some of the blunders I made, some of the vulnerability that comes from being unable to communicate in an appropriate way both with adults and peers.  Having Asperger’s can make one a target for bullying, for pedophiles, for all sorts of difficult situations.

Keeping the lines of communication open, and understanding the syndrome is crucial to keeping your Asperger’s child safe.

I was glad for the chance to talk to people at the SIWC about Asperger’s.  Hopefully, it will make a difference, however small, in someone’s life.

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Sep 18 2012
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writing on the Spectrum

“Unforgiving” A Review From An Asperger Point of View.

This review of my book, “Unforgiving” was emailed to me from Tara, a counsellor who worked for seven years with people from diverse backgrounds with different issues and challenges.  She is now a life coach in Red Deer, Alberta.

 I love how you somehow managed to bring a lightness to some very heavy topics.

When I say “lightness” I mean that you have found a way to talk about Asperger’s, sexual abuse, and even infidelity in a way that isn’t too overwhelming or emotional to the reader. At times I felt torn because I was enjoying your story and feeling connected to Margaret’s journey but then having to remind myself that the pain and turmoil was real.

I love how you bring the reader into your world and provide a very real and honest account of how a young girl experiences sexual abuse.

Asperger’s or not, how you captured Margaret’s thoughts and feelings are bang on. Not only in the pain and confusion but also in the reactions of family. So many kids could avoid re-victimization if family listened and believed their children.

You also provided a very real account of how someone with Asperger’s operates in the world, in terms of being left out, often misunderstood, and not being able to pick up the social cues that serves to engage and protect people.

The book shows how victims of sexual abuse naturally become sexualized which then acts like a magnet to bring in more sexual predators.

When I started reading this book I couldn’t stop. I found myself trying to hurry through my responsibilities of the day so I could get back to see what was next for Margaret Jean. Like you said, I was done in 2 days.

Thank-you so much for sharing your story with me, I am truly honoured.

Tara

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Jun 24 2012
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Autism Spectrum, behaviours

Charles Bernstein, Aspie’s Repetitive Behaviour, and An SFU Lecture.

  Preview

A New York poet, brilliant and lauded professor, was the guest speaker at an SFU event.  As an adult with Asperger’s, I watched in fascination as he delivered a talk about the future of literature in general, and poetics in particular in North American educational institutions.

These are the notes I made at his lecture:

Feet crossed under his chair, wriggling, prodding each other.

Hands arthritic, gripping, releasing each other and his forearms.

Body rocking, seat lifting off the chair.

Head pulling the body up, down, forward.

Foot tapping it’s mate.

Voice clips.  Eyebrows lift and fall.

Hands fist.  Foot taps.  Shoulders writhe.  Hands press his weight against the table edge.

A brilliant mind bouncing around inside the ageing cage of his body.

No notes on the body of the lecture.

This whole issue interests me, both as a person with Asperger’s and as a person observing what clearly seems to me to be another person with Autistic tendencies.

I was so intrigued by the motion of the man, I could not concentrate on the content of his message.  Does that ever happen to you?

Yours truly,

Margaret Jean.


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Jun 17 2012
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Autism Spectrum, behaviours

Anna Matchneva: Friend To Aspie’s And Their Parents.

Thanks to Stella Hui and the BC Autism Society, some of us had a chance to hear Anna Matchneva speak last Friday about the PEER program in BC Schools.  While most of the parents were there trying to learn how to help their children with what some of the other students  consider ‘weird’ behaviour, I was there as a person with Asperger’s as well as a concerned parent and grandparent of children with Asperger’s.  It’s always an interesting perspective, and I’m often amused at the assumptions the workers make about us Aspies.

But with Anna Matchneva, it was different.  She had a good read on us, a lot of insights into how things work for us, and how they don’t work, and what we can do about it.

With Anna, teaching the child to independantly correct the situation through adjusted thinking and responses is the key to achieving success in peer relationships.

Some of the things she suggests for Children with Asperger’s to help them manoeuvre in social situations:

  • Recognize other people’s interests.  Let them talk, and be supportive.
  • Learn to recognize and support other people’s feelings.  Accept that they aren’t always the same as ours.
  • Learn positive thinking.  Positive thoughts lead to better feelings which lead to more comfortable behaviour.  In the situation where you became angry and frustrated, what could you do differently next time?
  • When conflict happens, do not dismiss or blame the other person.  Try instead to put yourself in their shoes.
  • When you have a guest, let them do what they want.  Do not try to choose activities for them, or force your interests on them.

And for parents of Aspies, try to help them develop age appropriate interests:  in music, in games, and other past times that children talk about at school.

Anna Matchneva is an amazing person.  She works with iStep Ahead Serices Inc .  You can read more about this program at: http://www.istepahead.com/

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May 17 2012
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Autism Spectrum, behaviours, pedophiles, sexual abuse survivors, UNFORGIVING Aside

The Ram’s Head Writer’s meeting is always engaging.  Hosted by Lisa Hatton in her home, it’s a friendly get together of several writers at varying stages in their careers.  Lisa is disbanding the group temporarily while she goes for surgery, and the camraderie and Lisa herself will be sadly missed.  When we left, we all admonished her to get well soon and email us the minute the meetings were back on.

Most people read some of their work, and the stories were engaging, the critiquing, sound.  Some of us got stuck on the word “inception” and a lot of discussion followed about the appropriate usage of the word.   We heard children’s stories, and in contrast, Jason read a chapter where his murderous antagonist runs amuck.  All great stuff.

For me, the hardest part about writing a book is understanding how it sounds to readers.  Last night at Lisa’s, I read chapter eleven of Unforgiving aloud.  I chose that chapter because it deals with the predator stalking Margaret Jean, choosing her as his target, and testing the family waters to see how the family will react.  This is a tense chapter largely fueled by a child’s outrage.

While reading, I looked up occasionally to see if my audience was engaged.  They were sitting up, leaning toward me, totally focused.  After the meeting, they all handled the book, some jotted down the title, and asked me where they could buy the book. 

I drove home, thrilled and excited.  Until I realized what I had forgotten– That I had five copies of the book in my trunk!

The Ram’s Head…

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Mar 11 2012
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Autism Spectrum, behaviours

Happiness: Social Skills or Compassion?

In one large survey, one fourth of U.S. adults reported that they had felt extremely lonely at least once within the previous two weeks.


This quote’s from the Dalai Lama’s book The Art of Happiness (p.70).  Talking about causes of loneliness, co-author Howard C. Cutler cites studies that show that loneliness can arise from several sources, one of which is the inability to pick up conversational cues:  knowing when to nod, to respond appropriately, or to remain silent.

Cutler says this research suggests improving social skills should therefore be a good strategy for overcoming loneliness.  However, the Dalai Lama suggests a different approach.

Develop Compassion, is the simple message of this sage.  Recognize your interconnectedness with the world and you will be grateful for all that you have and do and are.

Cutler states he had always felt pride in his independence, in not needing anyone’s help to sustain him.  But when he thought about how many people were involved in providing an article as simple as his shirt, he began to see a new world vision.

He thought of the farmer who grew the cotton.  The person who sold the farmer his tractor.  The many people involved in the manufacture of the tractor, the repair and maintenance of it, even the people who mined the ore that made the metal parts on the tractor, and the designers of the tractor.  He thought about the weavers of the cloth, the people who cut and sewed the fabric, who colored it.  The cargo workers and truck drivers who got the shirt to the store.  The many clerks and administrators in the store.

Cutler realized then that “virtually every aspect of my life came about as the results of others’ efforts.  My precious self-reliance was a complete illusion.”

Something I’m sure, for every Aspie to think deeply about.  Would this be a good exercise?   When you are feeling isolated?  Just take a simple object and spend a few minutes considering how many people it took to put it in your hand.

Karl Marx said that one of the tragedies of modern society was the distancing of the producer from the product.  How isolated it made both the producer and the consumer feel.  It seems the Dalai Lama would agree.

Yours truly,

Margaret Jean.

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Feb 25 2012
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Autism Spectrum, behaviours

Have You Gone Up To The Roof Yet?

Sometimes life is tough. That's when friends are most needed.

Sometimes we get stuck in life.  Emotionally crippled by job loss, divorce, loss of a loved one, or financial problems.  Or even worse, being brutally victimized.

Or perhaps you know someone right now who is suffering the after effects of any one or maybe more than one of the above.  Your friend seems stuck, unable to deal appropriately with their circumstance, unable to pick up the pieces of their lives and move on.

I’d like to revisit the story of the man whose friends carried him to Jesus on a mat.  He was paralyzed and so incapable of going there by himself.  When they got to where Jesus was speaking, they couldn’t get in.  Couldn’t even get near the door.  They stood on the outer edges of the impassable crowds with their friend on a mat between them. 

Did they give up?  Did they make excuses and go home?  No, they stopped and thought about how they could accomplish their mission.  And the answer came to them:  they climbed up on the roof, dug a hole and lowered their friend down to Jesus.

See, when nothing seems to be working, nothing seems to be going right, that’s when our friendship is especially important.  The very moment when we are most tempted to give in is the exact moment we need to step up, to take our efforts and our friendship a level higher.  

That point of being stuck is often where we find the most creative and effective  measures.  It’s when we are most tempted to walk away, to say there is nothing more I can do, that we most need to stick it out, and be supportive. 

So when you’re tempted to walk away, to say “I’ve done everything I could,” just ask yourself this:  Have you gone up to the roof yet?

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